Everything Sucks
Dear Diary,
Okay Im going through so much crap and stress Ive been an emotional mess.
Without going into detail, phone calls at work, emails, attny office calls, hangs ups, threats for stop or restraining orders, ex threatening sherriff at the house to get the kids, etc etc. Basically loophole in the visitation that wasnt clear enough, many calls, kids leave tonight instead of tomorrow. New appt set to rework our custody agreement but that will take a month and then woohoo I get to try and work out another one with Mr Sane.
Im tired. I wasnt prepared for this so have to rush home, do laundry, prep kids they are leaving tonight, all that stuff.
Yesterday I called B and left him a voice mail. I said “Tell him you need him and how you are feeling” So I said “This is one of those days where I need you” He never got the message, called me at 10pm about 2 hrs later, still didnt know about it, just talked about going back to the gym. Here Im crying???????? Im saying I feel like crumbling. He did get me some info that I cant type here for tracking ex. He started the call out with that. But other then that he didnt seem to concerned with my emotional state, how I was doing, offering comfort. We just sat there. He then was falling asleep. I didnt even say bye I just said “Your falling asleep why dont you go” and I hung up the phone. Yeah great support fucking system I have there with my supposed fucking boyfriend.
So today he emails me, I tell him whats going on. And you want to see what I get in response?????????????
” Helllo
Im just having lunch. Im getting all high fat gourmet now. I had the brilliant idea to melt chedarella cheese in a cup and then have it with dry salami.MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. It was tasty.. which then led me to my new experimental idea.. that i will try tonight… Nachos…but with pork rinds!!!!!!heheheh =0)
So i went to the gym for the first time last night. I got on the scale and almost cried..Im tipping in at 219. Man I let meself go a wee bit. Well at least im starting to drag my butt back in there. I was afraid Id be like mega weak, and in some ways I was, more so that I dont have the endurance output that I used to but I havent really lost tooo much of my strength. I still managed to put up 275 for 2 reps even after a 5 month lay off so that was good. m pretty sore today. I think im going to go tonight on the way home from work. Start trying to be consistant n such. yup yup
Well lunch is almost up and Kjust brught me my work i have been waiting for so i guess i will go clock in.
Hope you are having a decent day
I feel as if whats going on in my life is non exsistant right now. I call and leave a message last night saying “Things are really bad right now and this one of those times where I really need you”
And I wanna hear about his damn workout and weight right now? Is he that clueless? Am I overreacting? I mean cmon!
Im so torn over this upcoming vacation with him. Either hes just begun to tune me out, doesnt want to hear anymore of the ex stuff. I dont know, but its part of my life and what I deal with. And its my turn to be selfish and dogmatic and say what I NEED! Fuck this.
I laid in bed last night. I felt like writing an email today to B that said “You know being your girlfriend really sucks” I didnt, but its how i felt.
I really have no idea what all this alone time leaves for me. Im so in a mess emotionally, I wont have my kids for the holidays, my boyfriend is a unavailable jackass. I feel torn about hanging with family since it will be my first event without my children, without a husband, etc.
Maybe I will just run away