Emotional Talk

Dear Diary,

Its almost 1:30am. Im all puffy eyed, blowing my nose, just kinda winding down.

I was to go and see B tonite with the kids. He was to call me today on my cell to let me know the plan for tomorrow. If I would stay the nite down there, or bring him back to my place and take him home tomorrow. Well no call today.

I was picking my kids up and B finally calls around 6. Asks whats up. And so I said Ill take kids home, fix them dinner then head out. He says he is going to work on his car tomorrow at 10am so I said Ill just take him back and maybe just head to beach from there with the kids.

We go home, eat, head out about 7pm. B calls about 5 min after I left once again asking whats up. I said I was just leaving. So he informs me they had some cancel for his weekend job and they wanted him, these are the people hes living with who he works for part time weekends. I said “Well do you want to work?” He said “Well I dont know, they need somebody, but your coming out” I said again “Do you want to work. Im only 5 minutes from home so tell me before I drive farther” He said hed call me back in a few minutes. Im in my head saying, just stay home, things are weird anyways. But he calls back and says, its cool. Im like what is cool? I said to come out? Hes all Yeah. So I do.

I get there and the 6 yr old of the couple he lives with is on his lap and they are watching cartoons. He says her mom should be back soon. So we all hang out and watch TV. My oldest walks up behind B and places his arms on his head, my little one gets up on his lap. They both just got in place with him. Its very interesting for me to watch how they are with him. Well his mood was quiet, and he was irritable, he said he was dealing with so much, and now hes babysitting, hes tired, and I know work and the situation with me were on his mind. At one point we were in the kitchen and I reached for his arm and he pulled away. I just went then and hugged him and we stood in the middle of the kitchen. He was then griping about the little girl not listening, and I said “Welcome to every day in the life of a parent” He replied “You see why Im not one? I like being able to send kids home to their parents” He said he just didnt want to be bothered with things right now. He has too much going on. At this point he was sitting on the kitchen counter. I said “Do you want to be alone tonight?” He said he didnt know.

I was about to say “Here Ill make your problems a little easier and give you one less thing to worry about” and take the kids and go. But I didnt. I stuck it out. Well I stayed 2 hrs! The mother still didnt return. I wasnt gonna sit all night. So I told B kids and I were going home. So so much for B coming to stay the night. I knew this would be our last night. Hes working here on out every night. Only free during my work hours. But I just hugged him and said goodbye.

Well we spent a long time on the phone tonight. Crying, hurt, some anger. Basically he says he has to devote his energy to this job, which I told him he should and I support that. Then he says “But our hours totally conflict, and the part time job is busy all during the holiday season, I wont be able to see you and how is that going to work?”

Basically he wants me to wait until JANUARY. To be his girlfriend, but give him space. He says he doesnt want any other women. He loves me, he wants to be with me, he wants to marry me. But he needs to get it together financially. Which I totally agree with.

I said “So what about me in the meantime? I basically dont really get time with you or get to see you except for when you say? What about my needs?”

I discussed us being apart. We talked about the love we both have for one another but the way life is going right now. But then he reverted back to his “Im a fucking asshole who is emotionally withdrawn, Your better off without me, stop wasting your time” I didnt respond to these phrases. I just didnt answer him and wed sit in silence whenever he went down this path. I said ” So you want me to just wait? What about my needs?” And hes all “Well if you cant wait and are going to date other guys, then FUCK YOU”

I didnt respond, silence.

We never did come to any final resolve. The emotions shared went up and down. But we ended tonights call with us both tired and both saying we both do love one another and both do care greatly. We just both dont know what to do really. We both get stumped. Its like we dont want to let go. Why do I keep hanging on?

A lot more was said, but thats it for now.

I just get silent. I think its really not good we have these convos late at night when we are both tired and emotional. He fell asleep tonite while on the phone, and I know when I talk late Im more sensitive.

But when else do we have the time?