Alone Isnt that Bad

Dear Diary,

Well got to stay home today, boss told me to take the day off with the kids.

So I just worked on things around the house, Mom came by so I could go to the store. Picked up the Aveeno Bath stuff, some Calamine lotion, and went to the health food store to get what a few gal pals online suggested. A Salve with Comfrey, Calendula and St. Johns Wort. I bought it, $7, not too bad, and I put both things on the kids chicken pox today. I put the calamine stuff on their body, the other stuff on their face. Later they told me the stuff on their face works better and oldest went and applied the stuff from the health food store to his body. Cool eh? So maybe its good stuff like the others said? Will see how it goes.

Oldest doesnt look to bad, Little one is coated in spots though.

B emailed and say hes itchy all the time, paranoid, I told him I am too and Ive already had them.

I just spoke a good long while with my big sister.

We did some laughing.

She went to the dr today and got a note for 2 weeks stress leave from work. And her husband is away on a fishing trip for 3 days so shes not worried about leaving the house or him stopping by.

She said to me “Vicky, Ive spent so much of my life taking care of others, doing for others, and Im tired of it, its time for ME. I told myself when I divorced my first husband I wouldnt date anyone with kids, well I did, and I did it for love. Now Im done, I was sitting at the Dr. today and thinking I dont want to have the responsibility of those kids and I dont have too, hes treating me like shit, the teen is also… its time for me to start my life.”

Adored I was thinking of you as she spoke, we were talking about work, both of us, being bored, Sister said “You know, Id be happy having a womens shelter or a teen shelter, or you know what I had really wanted to do when I was married to my first husband but dropped it,, was be a Correctional officer.”

My sister was on the police dept briefly during her first marriage but quit due to her husband hating her working and abusing her over her job.

She was asking me what I want to do. I said “I dont know” Ive been thinking at times, a therapist of some type, but that takes so much schooling. Ideally yeah Id like to go to school and take care of my kids and not go to work or work part time. Sister said “Well you can have that” and she told me if Ex paid what hes supposed to I wouldnt have to.

She also told me to give her the number that i have of the new boss Ex has and she will call him as me and ask for info on where to send info for child support and his payroll department. She said “What have you got to loose calling?” Im so nervous as I know the name of the guy he works for, he was in our old church, and I got his home # out of the phone book, but I dont know the company name is or if my ex is under the table or what. My sister said “So what? Ill call if you are too afraid to okay?” I said okay, so Ill pass her the info later on.

I told her more about CUte Gym GUy and the sexual problems. She and I were laughing so hard…

We talked about B and my life, My sister was telling me that she and my middle sister are so proud of me and where I am right now.

I was telling her I had this sort of thing happen, I think I wrote it in my diary. Just listening to Dr. Laura that day talking about people remarrying and new parents, moving, etc and that kids are not furniture nor luggage to drag around…

It hit home with my sisters situation, but it also reminded me of how B and I are not ready to be together more.

Seriously, we arent. There would be too much tension.

B is not father material and I have never asked that of him.

My sister said “Vicky, enjoy the time you have with B for what it is” and I was saying how as much as I want more, I think I want the IDEAL of what more is, but really, it would not be good for B and I.

Who knows where things will go. But for now my kids do not compete with anyone for time with me, they have no issues with B, they dont have to deal with any of that or him and his moods at our house when hes stressed. And he doesnt have to deal with them all the time either.

Im going to be straight up honest, B and I would do better just the two of us. And well,,, if we remain together long enough maybe we will be when the kids get older, that seems so far away. Only other way that would change is if B made some real conscious effort to be in our life more and did things necessary to be apart of us as a family.

He does in his way, and well, I think to be honest, its best the way it is..

Really, I have to be honest. I do.

Cute gym guy left me a message tonite, I didnt return the call, he asked about coming over, ordering a pizza and “I thought you might want some company” I thought about it for like 5 seconds, then put the phone back on the charger.

I cant.

Im going to be alone quit a bit with the kids with Chicken Pox and no B around… and yeah here this guy wants to come hang out…

But Nope.. And Im okay with that actually. 🙂

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