Better Day

Dear Diary,


Goodmorning. I went through yesterday without crying. 🙂

I painted the area above the sliding door in my office last night. Slow progress on that room! But now Im down to one wall almost left to paint! Problem is thats where I have all my stuff. So I first have to move it all, the secondly my ex installed some wall cupboards there that I want taken down, they take up the wall space and are set so low that you cant even put any furniture up against that wall, and I only really have one area of wall space since the slider and the recessed closet and doors on on the other walls. But hey Im getting there! I just wish I had money to spend! Id go buy some really cool curtains to cover the slider, and I want to hang some string lights in their. I will get there though eventually!


I was on the computer for a bit, then checked my voice mail. B called early for once. Said to call him when I could. Kids wanted to talk to their Dad, they called the other day but he didnt answer nor return their call. So they tried again and he called back a bit later. He keeps on asking them to go places and do things, things he needs to discuss with me first and we agree upon. So last night I sat the kids down and had a brief talk on the rules that Mommy and Daddy have, and why we saw a judge. I needed to arm them with some info so they arent always thrown into my ex putting them in the middle of decisions and to relay me messages. I reminded them that he has to talk to Mommy and send me an email so Daddy and I can work things out. That sometimes we have plans, or they have homework, and Mommy has to drive them, etc. They seemed really ok, they generally are and I think it helps them out to have some feedback on whats going on.


Kids are doing so well in spelling. Generally 1 wrong or 100% on their tests, so Im very proud of them. Ive also been pushing my oldest with his reading. He got stuck on the word “Suggested” it was a hard one for him. But I made him work at it and sounding it out, and then repeating it, Well I guess he had to read that day out loud and hes all “Mom I didnt get any wrong and I got suggested!” So it was even nice to see his confidence. But I will have to check back in with his teacher to see if he has improved in class. They will go off track for a month here the next few weeks, but my oldest will be in a program at the school to help with his reading during that time. I think he will be all up to speed. He just needed some attention, some focus. He just wasnt really trying hard.


I called B back last night and we talked for about an hour. He may possibly get moved into another area of work, which is really cool, and more pay! So Im so happy for him, he is really liking this job and just picks up on everything easily. Hes also a little more concerned about his wardrobe and how presentable he is. I sure hope he sticks with this. 🙂 He talked about new clothes, and he really could use a new pair of glasses. Anyways, Im not sure what will happen for tonight. He said me and the kids could come over. And reminded me hes broke, which I said I didnt care. And with him now commuting its rough on his car and he needs to get some work done. So I asked him if he was working this weekend. He said Sat night. So I said I could come pick him up this eve and we can come back to my place. Ill bring him back saturday. Hes all “Youd do that?” Im like “Yeah?”


Not that Id never go stay over there or bring my kids, but at my places its quiet, my kids can do or go wherever, we can sleep in without much distraction. And well, last night I heard the wife yelling again. OMGOSH she is LOUD! Im talking its just plain unneccesary to be yelling like that. I said “So she is yelling again?” before B even said it. Hes all “Yeah the 6 yr old cut a hole in the back of the couch, so needless to say she is very angry, and now and her husband are arguing over her punishment, and he seems to not think its such a big deal” If you heard the volume level of her voice thats like not even how my ex and I were in a heated fight. Its BAD.


B replied ” You know if it werent for what happened to me and the way I grew up, I wouldnt be able to hang with this but Ive learned to just tune people out, shut things off and as long as it doesnt affect me Im fine”


B has told me often how the 6 yr old is always in trouble. Shes crying for attention and nobody gives it to her. So I feel bad for her I guess. And to think that little baby hears its Mommy like that, I hate that thought of what it will do to those kids. I watched a program once where they placed cameras in homes and went over parents lives. And how they yelled around their children and they went over how the kids were acting during the yelling and it was really sad, parents fighting while holding babies in their arms, one couple screaming with the toddler going back and forth trying to hug each of them. Sad stuff.


Theres no way I could live in that house. It also just hit me when B said “AS long as it doesnt affect me, Im ok” I think of the other end and music guy. He was abused as a kid but cant stand hearing such things or being around them. Hes the other end of it all.


So B is supposed to call me today to give me the word on tonights plans. I put it in his lap. It was really hard once again for him to commit to an answer for what we will do, since he wanted to see if he could get his car looked at Sat AM but wasnt sure if the guy was free. So I said “Well call him?” so he laughed and said “I suppose I can call during work” Im like “Uh huh and call my cell to tell me whats up” So I think either way I will see him. I would prefer to come back to my house. And I guess I wanna feel the mood of the place out with my kids, either we can hang out there for the eve and come home or kids and I can sleep over. So yeah Im still attempting this thing with him. I havent totally quit yet.


But Im going to start spending time with people, meeting others, going out, pursuing hobbies and activities. I just had a different mindset yesterday. I met some people online and had some really fun conversations. I miss the online parties at times, they were fun and I havent been to one in so long, but then again i dont know people well enough to go, there was a time when I knew everyone and it was a blast, but all of us regulars have moved on, we all pop in and say hi now and then, but its not like the “good ole days”


A few people have said this to me, something like “Start doing things, dont think about B when you do them, just start living life, and you may find out you dont even need him” I dunno if that is the case, but Im willing to see, I am lonely and still not as active and social as I want, so I need to see how that affects me making those changes.

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