My Insecurity Dangit!

Dear Diary,

Yeah here I am again. Just so many things in my head today. Jen thanks for the comment about the Music dude thing. I actually was going to write about that and was thinking exactly about what you said. Even that night when he and I were hanging out watching TV, he was laying there quiet and closed his eyes for awhile. I start in my mind thinking things like “Is he ok? Is he ok with me here? Is he mad at me? Does he want me to leave? Does he just want to sleep with me?” Its very exhausting and I do this to myself.

I am aware of this. So I guess that is why I brought up what B said. Do I make things worse?

I know I cant solely blame all that is gone bleh between B and I on myself and those feelings, because the B thing has a lot more to it. And I want to be aware of my faults of habits, I do want to see what Im doing that I can change or improve. I think often times thats where we women differ a lot in relationships. I was reading somewhere how its pretty much women inacting change. Men are usually content with where things are at.

I was learning to be better with B about it, not always thinking something is wrong when he was quiet or didnt have much to say. I guess all I want is to touch base, a simple “Hey Im thinking of you, things are hectic right now, but know that I love you” is all I really want. Im not asking for a hour long phone call everyday, but on the same token, to be in a almost 2 yr relationship, well I feel we do NEED to make time to connect with eachother. And I also view long term relationships as a place to start building and growing, that person becoming your best friend. And what happens when your best friend is no longer there to run and tell things too, to share in sadness and joy? And you are floating around without them? To me that isnt being in a committed relationship, but thats me. People may have different ideas, as I told B “Perhaps we are just on different paths with different ideas for what we both want and need, and do ours go together?”

So back to me and what I was saying about wondering what a person is thinking, feeling they are shutting me out, thinking something is wrong.

Well that is obviously INSECURITY on my part. But why am I insecure?

Hmmmmmm

I told B that my ex would shut me out, ignore me, not sit on the couch with me, turn the other way in bed or go on the couch when he was angry at me. He withdrew from me any type of attention, affection, I wasnt acknowledged. Once he wouldnt even sit with me at church. I had to sit alone. I always felt punished. So I think a lot of it is getting over that. Its hard to let go of old ways, and its how I was dealt with for so long, so when a person is quiet for long periods, or doesnt say much. I think I start going into the old thinking of when I was with my ex.

So how do I undo that? I guess being aware and recognizing it are one thing. But yes its as if I need to check in with a person, see if things are ok.

Damn insecurity, it screws with your head.