Feedback Friends?

Dear Diary,

I have been wanting to write since I was getting ready for work this AM. So much going through my mind. Im emotionally all over the place I feel. I was kinda angry this AM just thinking, now Im at work, just read my email, and I feel like crying???????????

So what has gone on? Well last night I was online and B came on. I rarely see him online these days, he is helping network the DSL in the place he moved into so he doesnt have his line hooked up yet, but he was in their office and talked to me. I was quiet. I didnt really know how to talk to him. And here he is happy, telling me how great work went, how they hired about 40 people to do what hes doing and he aced everyone yesterday with getting the job done first, hes all “I even beat the guy who goes to Stanford!” Then he got called aside by the instructor, she said they asked who has the best skill and analytical mind and she came and got B. So yeah he had a great day. Im truly happy for him, he needs to find that place he fits and can use his skills and be content there. But at the same time, hes going on and on about how great his life is going and on the upswing, and on and on. And Im just sitting there thinking “Yeah buddy your girlfriend is about to leave” so it was really awkward for me. I didnt want to rain on his parade, but then I have to remember how many times mine has been rained upon? I congratulated him on his job.

Well to wrap it up, I told him I wasnt doing so well, we switched over to the phone and I said “So do you think we can manage this boyfriend girlfriend thing?” He said “Yes I think so”

I tried to share how I was feeling, how we arent on the same page, what I want and what he wants, and it just isnt cutting it for me. He then says “So just walk then, since Im such a fucking asshole whos always hurting you and making you cry, go, go find somebody better” then with a pause of “Thats not what I want”

I didnt react to that comment. I guess cause I just sense it as his hurt and I didnt wanna go OK in that moment and just say Adios that way.

He ended up telling me “Your high maintenance” and that really hurt most of all last night. I said “Do you really believe that? Wake up buddy and go out into the real world and have a real relationship, you have no idea what high maintenance means” That really just irked me. He said that he feels if he doesnt talk to me each day on the phone for hours before bed that I loose all faith in our relationship, that I need validation, and thats my problem, hes not gonna jump through hoops for me, and hes not a circus monkey and he wont be one. He said he often times avoids calling me because he doesnt want to talk and he feels if he calls me to talk for just 5 min that it wont be good enough so he just avoids it all together.

I didnt know what to say, I just froze. I couldnt seem to get much out. I didnt want it to turn into a blame blame , mean words convo. He said that he loves me and he thinks about me often each day, and hes sorry that he doesnt call everytime a thought pops in his head and say “Hi Im thinking about you”

I tried to talk about how relationships progress, people spend more time together, they get closer, but after awhile I think I was so emotionally exhausted I couldnt even really think any longer. I just was done for the night, but I couldnt utter “I want to break up” Its like I cant get the words out, I think them, and I sit there on the phone, but why cant I? I said once again “You calling me high maintenance really hurt me” He said “Well I dont know what to tell you” I said “You dont have to tell me anything, its the fact that you said it and say that that tells me you really think that way of me, and I dont like that”

He said he has friday night free, and me and the kids can come down, then he kept saying “I dont have any money” over and over. I said “I dont care, would you stop telling me that!”

He called me before he left for work this AM, said that he loved me.

So its just his words going through my head. I start to question myself “Am I high maintenance? Am I at fault? Have I got it all wrong?”

I am really asking for my regular readers comments, insight here on this. I do know I wasnt happy with the phone call, I think it just through up a further block for me towards him, something on my internal tally sheet (as Celandra put it 🙂 I think those things just all add strain if he feels them all about me. And Im trying to reach out. He also said that when I tell him how Im hurt and he makes me cry, he said “I tune you out”

I really cant figure out why this is so difficult for me? I guess I seem to think once I utter the words “Its over” I will fall apart. I will emotionally be a mess. And Im afraid to go to that place? But then Im emotionally hurting as it is? So whats the difference? But I guess I feel it will be worse. And I feel afraid to be alone and even though B isnt fully there at least he is there and I have someone who loves me? I know thats called “Settling”

Im just having a hard time with this, BIG TIME.

My counselor is out of state so no counseling this week. 🙁 I wont see her till next thurs and no group monday.

So I get to work and find an email from the girl I grew up on the same street with. I asked her if she attended our other neighbor friends wedding few mos back. She and the other girl I grew up with did go! I dont know, it just bummed me big time that I wasnt there, but that was the same weekend as my work conference out of town that B and I went too.

She told me how beautiful she looked. And I wish I had been there, these were people I spent my growing up years, childhood to Jr High with. She also emailed me a photo of herself. Its so strange to see since I remember her mainly as a little girl, and I saw her a few times as a teenager, It would be nice to get together with her. She said she is getting married next year, to a guy she has been with for 9 yrs! Shes about 24 right now. So thats a young love. She said he is wonderful.

And just reading her letter, I just felt sad and wanted to cry? I think Im just all emotional. Well of course I am!

Feedback friends?