Children and Break Ups

Dear Diary,

Was just reading this from an EHarmony newsletter I get.

Just note for myself 🙂

How to make a Clean Break Up

1. Tell the person what you like and appreciate about them.

2. Point out their strengths and what drew you to them in the beginning.

3. Express what you like about the relationship in general.

4. Confess how difficult this is for you to say.

5. Tell them straight out you want to break up.

6. Explain your reason for ending it in your terms of your own values, rather then pointing out what you think is wrong with the other person.

7. Dont make promises you cant keep ( Such as lets be friends, I need some time off for awhile, etc etc) Dont put expectations on yourself or the other person.

8. Be honest, but not brutal.

It also spoke about prolonging a break up, doing it slow, or ignoring the other person, talking about it being damaging emotionally, how some people just pull away hoping the other person will end it.

I often wonder at times if B wants to end it with me? Since it feels like he just pulls away. Yet he is the one who is generally saying he wants to marry me, be with me, live with me, resists a breakup by saying “I dont want to break up with you”

Anyways, just wanted to jot this down for myself.

Finally got to talk to music dude. I came right out and asked him if he was feeling weird about me since I just left Saturday. He said No, he has just been busy. Poor guy has been at the club since 5am for the film shoot, hes gotta be soo tired! He has the wackiest hours some weeks.

We did have a good talk, instead of wondering how he is thinking or feeling, I just asked. Thanks to reading that book “The 4 Agreements” I am learning to Not Make Assumptions all the time, if I have a doubt or dont know an answer, I can ASK!

Music dude and I were talking about my son, he said it sounded similar to his step moms abuse when he was a kid. He just said to me “Victoria, your ex is a fucking asshole, sorry but its true. Counseling can help those kids, just dont wait until they are 17, which is when I got help” He and I were having a talk about my oldest this AM and I just started to realize my oldest may be showing symptoms of post traumatic stress from his fathers abuse. I have always thought he was just “Sensitive” but now am thinking this maybe an after effect of my ex’s anger displayed around him. And Im really wanting to help him with his yelling in class. Basically i was reading a lot yesterday on children going into an alarm state. Thats its triggered by tones, facial expressions, etc. And my son is very sensitive to sounds and peoples tones, he often covers his ears, or even cries, he wants to be left alone and not talk to his brother. He is very jumpy and gets scared easily. I can talk to him from the hall and he will always be saying “Mom you scared me!” he complains that things are too loud, such as the cooler that he cant sleep. Just hyper sensitive. But the yelling in class, its not a rebellious type yell or calling people names, its his response, he just flys off with a loud voice, his tolerance level is low for the oddest things, and he immediatley is remorseful after he does it, the teacher even wrote on the card he said he was sorry right after he did it. And there have been a few times where he has yelled at me in the past and then cries once I correct him he knows he was out of line, its almost a impulse reaction he has.

Overall he is very good at home, he acts out more in school, and I think it was my boss wifey who said “He loves you very much” and he doesnt want to upset me. He is the one who woke up during the nites of fighting to hear me crying and he would cry and I would go comfort him. He is the one who witnessed his Dad yell and curse at me and me being scared and him in tears having to leave for a visitation seeing him treat me that way. And my ex having no comprehension of what he did. The court shrink said that whole episode was borderlining on child abuse what my ex did. My oldest during the last few times we were all together with my ex said things like “Dad, that is not how you treat children” Im very proud of him that he stands up for himself, but my ex sees it as him being disobedient or Bad.

So Im going to talk to my counselor this next week about maybe getting my oldest back in group, we shall see, the kids were doing well, and I still think are doing well, but things are changing with their father closeby and seeing him more, they probably need that support once again to handle what is going on and it will give them tools when they are around their father.

I also know I need to do a lot more talking and building up their esteem. They are both pretty confidant kids, but I just dont want to see them fall. I wanna keep them as well as I can. I also know I need to watch my yelling. My son tenses up when I yell and gets all strange, and after all i read, it may just be triggering old events. Ugh its tough to always talk sweet with 2 kids when your the one carrying the load, but its time I put some more work into this family and undo some of the garbage so they dont pass it on in the future.

For those who read and are in bad relationships. Think about your kids, many people claim to stay together for their children. I knew if I stayed, I would be telling my children as an example that it was acceptable to treat a woman the way their father treated me. I model to them women for their future.