Children and Your Partner

Dear Diary,

::Sigh::

Im feeling a little weird right now, hmmm just as I typed that I think it dawned on me what might be wrong! It might just be Im getting my period, why do I always seem to forget that when I get all overly emotional feeling and weepy? So we shall see if thats whats up.

I picked up the kids around 5:15 and we headed off to B’s. I had told B the night before Id pick them up about 5 and just head out. He said he would fix something to eat. I said the kids might be ancy and all and theres a park down the street from Bs so I mentioned taking them there for a bit, see how it goes. He said he probably would work till 6 at the latest which would be about when we arrived.

So Im driving just relaxing and B calls as Im halfway there wondering whats up. I say “Well Im on my way to your house” and he said “ok so when are you heading out?” I said “Im halfway there” He replied “Well I didnt know, Im not done working yet and I needed to know if I should clean up now?” and his tone was kinda stern. I hate it when he sounds like that. I dont know how to deal with that part of him yet. I notice its communication and his TONE that impact me the most, maybe its a trigger from being with my ex? I really cant explain it at this point to well. I take it personal and think he is upset at me, and then I in turn get bothered at him for speaking to me in that TONE.

So I said “Well I told you what time I was leaving” he answered “Well Im not sure that Ill be home when you get there” I said “Yes, and I said I might take the kids to the park, so its no big deal either way. Is there a problem?”

He said No, and hed call me in a bit to let me know whats up. So I was driving and a bit frustrated. I felt like crying. I felt like turning around and going home. Why do I react so strongly like that?

So I then told myself, Forget it you are hungry and feeling irritable, he isnt off work yet and hes going to need to unwind and shower so you and the kids will have to wait to eat. If you go to the restaraunt you love by B’s house to eat, just go with the kids and relax, give B his time and you wont have to worry about how the kids behave around him there. I feel on edge often when the kids are around B.

So I called and left B a voice mail to say wed go eat and then meet him up later. Well he called a minute after that said he didnt have his pager, his tone was more cheerful, he said he was getting ready to head out and I said kids and I were gonna stop to eat. Well he wanted to join us. And well I said Ok.

I think I would have preferred just the kids and I went still. 🙁

We had to wait 30 min for a table, so we sat outside and they have a fountain and both kids were being ancy and squirrely. I guess Im a mom, they have been at school all day, then after school program, then drive for an hour and are hungry, and now sit and wait for another 30 min. And B was wanting to unwind and was quiet but kept glaring at me or shaking his head when one of my kids climbed on the rim of the water fountain or climbed and tried to stand on a post. Granted these are things I correct my kids for anyways, but its just the look on his face and his stares like “look at what they are doing” like he is bothered by their behavior. I in turn feel on edge. Feel like B is bothered, that he thinks my kids are bad, that he thinks I should discipline better, whatever it is. So I sat there outside waiting and at one point I guess I felt myself just shut off from B. I didnt talk. I didnt really even look his direction. I focused on the kids and told myself “These are your kids, dont discipline and do things because you think B wont be happy, this is YOUR family, and B needs to see the real US, and if he doesnt like it, well thats his problem. I am a mother, and I have kids.”

And I think the kids start to catch on when you are always on them and telling them everything they are doing wrong, they tend to just stay acting that way because thats all you focus on.

So I guess I really didnt enjoy dinner. I didnt feel relaxed. I got on the kids again. And I felt like crying at one point while sitting there at the table with him. And then I told him I didnt have any cash and I had my card, but I didnt want to pay for Bs food or drink, I am low on money really bad. So I told him and he said ok and hed paid for his own, I guess in some ways I guess I wish he paid for us? And then there was a mixup on my receipt when we split the bill, and the tip and I basically paid more of the bill, $2 more, and so then he asks me to tip, and Im like “I paid more, partly yours?” So Im thinking he can cover that cause it will even out? I didnt get what the deal was.

We headed to the park briefly and the kids were ready to run and play. B was affectionate and said he was happy to see me. I was quiet, he rubbed my shoulders and talked about the work he did on his Jeep that day. I just listened which was fine. 🙂 I was trying to wind down myself and relax.

Got back to his place and got the kids in for a brief shower and down with a movie to get ready for bed. Well I walked in while B was in his room and he was online and messaging with someone. I peeked at the box and the person was asking if he wasnt having a very good eve, and he said he busted his ass all day. And then he said BRB. The thing was the chat name I recognized. Because I have been messaged by this same person before. I get hit on all the time by chat room regs and newbies. So I was like hmmmm, is this a guy B chats with regularly, or is it a female maybe? and the name was on his buddy list. Everytime I came in the room he would close out the screen and log off fast. So I did feel a little weird about that. Paranoid maybe?

B then walked out of his room and stared at the stairway, there were marks all the way up the steps and I thought oh no my kids tracked mud! But B said “No its oil from my work boots” and he was bothered since his roomies carpet is cream colored, he sat there shaking his head that he didnt take his shoes off first. I said “Well do you have any cleaning stuff? He said “NO?” Im like cmon have you looked? I was willing to help him clean it up. Well he found some resolve cleaner in the garage and it worked perfectly and fast! I said “See you were gonna sit there and say how you were bothered about the marks on the carpet and keep griping about it, if I hadnt said anything about cleaning it would u have even got up to do so?” He said “Probably not” So I said “Take your frustrations and turn them into solutions, actions, RESOLVE, heehee. Cause instead he was gonna sit there and be grumpy and gripe.

Kids went to bed really easy, they are good sleepers. And B and I just laid in his bed quietly. I was snuggled up to him but just not talking. I still felt weird. He asked me what I was thinking and I said nothing. Cause I didnt really know what I was feeling to be honest. Im am unsure on this kid thing with B and how to transition it? How to deal with my feelings, and hearing in group and the woman I called from group how her kids are really bratty when she has men around. My kids arent bratty and mean. They like B, they want his attention actually. I think the thing is they are more excited and want attention so its more of them just overdoing it and they act annoying, but they arent bad kids.

And I reflected on the ease of Mr C around my kids. I didnt feel all nervous, but he knew how to interact. B doesnt really and I guess how do I help with the transition for all of us?

My oldest kept grabbing at B’s arms feeling them before dinner. That was cute, B gets very shy and bashful. Cause my son was like “Wow your muscles are so big!” and he was taking his hands and feeling his way all around his biceps, and tracing them. My son said “You are so strong and Im all little” B said “You can be big one day too” and the kids actually at one point came up behind me while we waited for a table, my youngest put his arms around his neck just kinda hung on him, and my oldest gave him a mini neck massage. So I guess its an adjustment for every single one of us, I just wished it flowed more easily then it does.

B and I took a bath by candlelight in the master tub last night. It was very nice and the tub is deep so i was buried up to my neck and it felt sooo good.

The rest of the time was fine, we got to bed around 11pm. Slept fine and snuggled and got up and got ready no problem with the kids.

I just feel weird again, I called B a few min ago just to say we were all back fine and on time for work and school. He asked me if I had a good time, I said Yes, but part of me doesnt feel that way, but it wasnt awful, its just didnt feel relaxed for me, something didnt feel right. I feel like pulling away right now. Actually I have been less iniative with B the whole past week. Im pulling back, seeing maybe if he is for real this time in wanting things? Because in the past he steps up to the plate for the first few weeks then retreats back to not really being around. So Im thinking of going to the beach with the kids Saturday, need to get in some more beach time before it cools down and less time to do so.

Anyone with children and similar type stories offer any wisdom? I appreciate feedback for bringing a partner into our world.