Confused with Myself

Dear Diary,

Ok so Im all scared now.

I guess its because I do have some attraction to this guy?

And I dont even want to be in the cheater position again.

See I get all freaked out about going to an amusement park with a guy.

Is it part of what my reader wrote me in her email? I wasnt allowed to have male friends while with him. I was shamed for it. I was ignored, I was yelled at and put before pastors with accussations. I was having an affair I was told because I talked to a man at a park. And my ex ignored me for several days, wouldnt sit by me in the house or at church and the pastor yelled at me and told me I was playing games.

And we went thru so much preaching on women not being alone with men who they are not “Married” too. I guess Im still dealing with all the old stuff in my head. Not sure which should stay and which should go.

I do know this, I love B. I also know I have so much living to do that B cant be a part of. Because of the way he is and chooses to be. So how does one remedy that? I can accept him the way he is, but at the same time I am putting my own life on hold and not doing the things I want to because he wont. That is not a good thing.

I feel confused at the moment. Im probably so ahead of myself right now. I tend to do that. B just always told me to be honest with him if I want to date other people tell him. Is that what this is? Do I want to date? Or do I just want to start living and meeting people? But is that dating? Ugh Im confused.