God Im Tired :(
Dear Diary,
I just want to cry. Why am I becoming the poster child for people to try and mess with? If it isnt one area of my life, now another is coming to the forefront. Gradually, this situation has been increasing over the past month. And it seems other are rallying behind me with words and complaints, Im the youngest, least experienced, yet its like they are rooting for me to overthrow the evil in the matter. Except the thing we are up against could ruin us all. I never dreamed I would be seeing what Ive learned in abusive marriage relationships and apply it to different situations. Sure it can happen in any situation, abuse, abuse of power, authority, etc. Yet someone has placed me in a position to use, for their gain, and its someone in higher authority over me.
I went to attorneys office, more papers to sign. Im so nervous about what is going to happen, will he cower and let things go, or will he become more angry and start acting out more and attack me? Im scared.
I then went to group, watched a film on women who defended themselves and killed their abusers and were given harsh sentences in prison for killing men who severly abused them.
They read off a statistic that there are more animal shelters then shelters for abused women. WAY MORE.
I got my certificate today for completing the course. I want to frame it, Im quite proud of it to be honest. 22 weeks I completed. 🙂 And actually I did a little more but I stopped going for a year then returned, so the time before didnt count and I had to start over.
Boyfriend has a more decent routine this week, not working 2 jobs so hes off afternoons and eves. How much I would have loved to have just curled up in his arms today. Its tough these days when you carry so much weight and load around. Just want to come home and crumble into a ball.
Dear Lord, I need so much strength right now. Today is one of those days where I want to run away from it all.
On a more cheerful note, I was driving to church last night and saw a truck I knew at the cemetery down the street. Its an old man whos known my family since before I was born, and still lives on my old street. I tried to go visit him a month ago but he didnt answer the door and he has been on my mind lately.
He and his wife were the Grandparents I never had. Id go over and sit on their couch, eat ginger snaps and water. Just sit and talk, Id just pop in all my life for little visits. I took my kids over last year.
Hes 94 yrs old now! Still driving! And still remembers me! 🙂
He was kneeled on the ground a ways into the cemetery with a metal bucket, he was watering flowers of relatives graves. He had already been to his wifes grave, she died many many years ago. He had a hard time getting up and I helped him off the grass. I then escorted his arm in mine as we walked back to the truck, then his words “How are your folks doing? You know I always admired you ever since you were a little girl, if you ever need help with the kids bring them over and I will watch them” And he was serious too! I wouldnt dream of leaving my kids for him to watch, but I was so touched at his offer. I told him we would stop by soon to visit. He said hes thinking of selling his house, its getting to hard for him to keep up.
I have memories of that house, as a little girl, eating candy, the indoor wood stove, but his backyard, I loved running around it all neatly manicured. Grapes growing, fun little hiding spots, endless patio furniture chairs. I started dreaming about if I could buy his home off him, sell myself, live back on my old street again, he lives in the crook of a culdesac, great spot for raising kids. No traffic. And a HUGE desert to play in, ride bikes, I played in that desert as a child myself and have so many memories there.
It was good to see him, Oh if life could only be filled with more good thoughts like walking arm in arm with him and talking about the old days.
Im so tired of hurting and challange. I know it makes me stronger and I learn from it all, but Im just so tired God, so tired. 🙁