Tailspin of Emotions

Dear Diary,

I am in an emotional tailspin at the moment. I just want to hide away and cry.

I just got my kids back. And of course the immediatly wanted to mentioned the woman I know my ex is dating who faked stupid as my friend at the bank last month asking me about my ex, divorce, kids, etc. My kids must have phoned both of my telephones(cell and home) Over 10 times while they were with their Dad.

Calling me first thing in the AM, 11pm at night on friday. I think my ex is behind it all. Its his phone hes letting them use, and then they keep mentioning they are with this girl I know. Which is a little unnerving to me, so much so I just wanted my kids to stop calling. I had to turn my phone off.

My kids dont normally call during visits with Dad. And this time it was all the time.

Yes it does hurt, and I think thats my ex’s goal. But now her too? Is she that cold a woman also? I guess so.

So when I get my kids today my oldest says “Mom we went over to A’s house today” My little one yells “Daddy told you not to say that! Daddy told you mommy will get mad! We arent supposed to say that!” And my little one said “Mommy are you going to get mad?” I said No, and I told them an adult should not ask them to keep secrets. I asked them why Daddy said I would get mad, and they said they didnt know.

It was very uncomfortable, because all they wanted to do was keep talking about her and Daddy, and her kids, and what they did, and telling me her last name, all this stuff I know. So on the drive home from my mothers I told the kids. Not sure wether it was appropriate it or not. But I needed them to understand. I told them I know A, that I used to do parties at her home when I was in sales and I know her kids. That I had seen her last month at the bank. I told them that Mommy doesnt really want to talk about her, because she lied to me pretending she wasnt with Daddy and asking me questions and pretending to be my friend. And mommy didnt think that was cool. I told the kids I dont need to know everything Daddy is doing unless its something that is wrong. The kids said “A is Daddys girlfriend, they were kissing”

Its like you just want to yell at your children STOP. But I cant, I had to remain composed. My ex is an idiot. And I guess I cant believe the way hes acting, the way he has treated me. How cruel he has been and how fearful I have been to have someone in my life. Yes, I know this is probably another game to my ex to try and get to me. Why on earth date a woman HERE, when he lives across the US, and a woman I know, a woman who put on a false face of friendship to me last month. She is just as much sneaky in all of this.

I have court tommorow morning. My sister is driving out for moral support and going with me. I really appreciate it, I need someone there beside me during this. I did not want to go home today, I told B that I felt like running away, not that I would, but I felt like it. I did not return to town all weekend. I dont like my hometown like I once did. Its full of too many faces, memories of my ex and the marriage.

I got into it briefly late fri nite with B. He was being really short and jerky to me, I phoned him and the convo got a little heated. He was saying I didnt want to see him. I was saying I did, and then it came down to us both shutting up and my driving over. I got there to find him playing a video game and he seemed strange. I sat on his lap and thought I smelled alcohol, then his voice sounded like he had a cold. He was drunk. Like way far on the happily clumsy silly drunk. So yes I was a bit bothered. I had wish I had known but Im not good at telling all the time about when a person has been drinking. So he was acting like a silly ass, and just passed out on the bed, I went to sleep. He had to go to work early. I drove over to his work and got a free coffee, then headed out to see some old Victorian homes in Pasadena tour. I got a little lost and got their too late for the last tour, and told B Id pick him up on my way back since his car was at a buddys nite before cause he was drinking. He got a little annoyed again when I drove him to his place. He wanted me to go to his night job with him. I had been driving in the heat all day with no AC, I just wanted to rest and didnt want to go to work with him, so I could tell he was a little whiney over it, but then when I dropped him off he perked up. I contemplated driving home sat night, but instead I relaxed at his place. Went with his roomate to take her pet to the groomers and to the bank, later we chit chatted a little. Shes a really cool woman. Then I got the urge to do some of boyfriends laundry, make the bed, take out the trash, and vacuumed up. I also went to the mall that day. I bought something at Victorias Secret for him. So I was waiting when he got home with candlelight, clean room, in a black lace nighty, showered. I was touching him, kissing his ears, well lets just say he passed out again. So I went to sleep a little frustrated.

He had to leave for work early this AM. So I stayed behind an hour at his place and planned to see this house tour thing again. I kept trying to find someone to go with but it was hard at short notice and I wasnt in my town to pick up a local friend. So this guy M online Ive been chatting with for awhile came on and I asked him what he was doing. Well he agreed to go and meet me.

We got there, hes from Hollywood, 33, in the music industry, Nice vehicle, New Jersey boy, nicely dressed, clean. We had a good chat waiting an hour for the tour. He offered to pay for my ticket, but then when they said they didnt take credit cards he had no cash! haha I paid for him. But he told me hed take me to lunch to make up for it. The tour was cool. Some old Victorian homes from the late 1800s, a old Octagon Farmhouse, and old church, neat old places, which I love that stuff so much. He was a really cool guy to have along also. We then went to IHOP for lunch, had good conversation, I think we both got a long really well, and he and I had a lot in common and he would be a good person to introduce to my work, since he deals in areas they are wanting to expand in.

I then had to head out, drove back by the mall and picked up a skirt I saw at Lerners the day prior but ran out of time to get. Then dropped by and saw B for another 30 min before heading back to get my kids.

I really dont know where things are going with B. People tell me “Have you thought about broadening your horizons?” And yes I am starting to think about it, I cant stay with B just because Im afraid of hurting him, and its not that things with B are terrible. B means a lot to me, but it feels the direction we are going in isnt flowing. He always has referred to himself as “The stepping stone boyfriend” with all of his past girlfriends, how he helps them through a rough time, while they step up in their lives, then they leave him for another guy who does better, better job, does nice romantic things. Wow its weird that now I can understand it.

I have a work convention next week, so B and I are supposed to go together, Wow 3 days, 2 nights just US. Im not sure what to think about it all. Part of me feels like having the “I want to be able to date other people talk” part of me says wait a little, make sure Im really sure and ready to say it so I dont take it back.

And then the other part of me says dont do anything, I have to deal with nasty court things tommorow, I dont need so many things on my plate, dont try to figure out men in my life when Im in all the emotional turmoil and feelings.

I dont want to be with my Ex. And yes the sting has worn down and isnt so bad over the woman and him. It still is awkward. But I guess I tell myself. Ahh yes a woman with 2 kids, and my ex with 2, ideal heaven for a man who is self centered. And I could hear her yelling “Shut up!” in the background to her children while my kids left messages for me. Shut up is a bad word in our home, we dont use it.

I guess I dont believe the relationship with them will last. And in some ways, not to sound mean. But if he burns her, she wont take to it kindly, she has an explosive temper and has assaulted her ex and his new woman. People have told me thats probably why she is so sneaky with me and a liar because she doesnt care anymore and is out to hurt others since she was hurt. Who knows?

So here I sit, court is at 8:30 am. Please pray for me all of my friends.