Romance Poof?

Dear Diary,

Just posted that last entry, then hopped in the bathtub. I was thinking while I was in there about the comment from computer guy.

That was very nice. It made me feel good.

When I was driving from work to the counseling today, I was on the freeway. Thinking to myself how much I wish I had a man that sent me flowers, or did something special. To give me that boost in my rough times. Those sweet reminders, or a card in the mail.

I called boyfriend today, Im just in this place as of lately where the conversations dont run as smoothly. Its not that they are bad, but they just dont come together like they once did. When boyfriend and I got together, we shared our journaling with each other. I do miss that. I miss that intimate sharing and closeness. It was when I could see inside of him deeply. He also used to write me a letters, Several pages. I miss those.

I call him and at times wonder why I called. I just want to hear his voice and say Hello, but then to talk further seems difficult. He may talk about a movie he watched or something he did to his computer. Me Im dealing with the divorce from hell and I just feel like he doesnt really want to hear anymore, that hes tired of it all. THis is my assumption, doesnt mean its how it is. But its how I percieve it at the moment.

I have the work conference next weekend. Boyfriend still hasnt registered to go. And I havent honestly felt like mentioning it to him, because well frankly I shouldnt have to hand hold him thru it all. He knows where to go and how to do it because he has already looked. So?

I feel like not doing anything. I dont want to send him cards, get him gifts really. His birthday is a approaching next month. And I cant say Im all excited over it for him. Its not that I dont love and care for him. But in my marriage I always did things and remembered my ex on all the special days. I always had this philosphy that I didnt care if he didnt do those things for me, I will always feel good about myself having known I did them for him. That has changed. Now its like? I do it a few times. If I dont feel valued in that manner, then why am I going to shower my mate in that fashion when they dont see the importance of it, I am the one who is basically longing for it.

I have said I always wanted to stay in a beach house. I do, but the idea of just going with my kids is not what I want really.

Its more like “I want to one day stay in a beach house for a romantic weekend with a partner” is really what Im saying.