Strong Intense Attraction

Dear Diary,

Well I have learned something new, using the proper term for how Im feeling.

Envy not Jealousy.

I always used the term Jealousy, not realizing its rarely jealousy I feel. But more envy with people or situations.

I notice I feel it with boyfriend. Yesterday he said when he got in that he was gonna try and hook up with his buddy who was moving after work. We spoke briefly on the phone, then he said a girl from work invited him to a party. He said he kinda wanted and not wanted to go. Its like when I hear him say stuff like this I immediatly I go quiet. I notice that I do it. Im envious that hes been invited to go out, Im envious that I cant go with, I wonder if people will hit on him. Ugh, I didnt really feel this way about my ex. I think its normal to feel feelings like this, but also to watch that one keeps their emotions in check.

We talked maybe 15 min and he said he was tired and went to bed early. So then I start thinking “What if hes lying and not going to sleep? What if hes just saying that?” bleh, where is this coming from Victoria. I guess its the fact that I always believed my ex would never lie to me, I guess I have felt the same way about boyfriend. He says he is very loyal to people, and that if he didnt want to be with me hed tell me, and he has asked me to be honest just the same.

So I call this AM and he says hes leaving in a bit to go down and visit the teacher he was close too. I felt all weird awhile back last time he saw her. I have no idea what she looks like or what she is like around him. For all I know shes just some school teacher he just hangs with and has a special bond.

I guess its just that it was so sudden, that he didnt tell me he had this planned to go and spend the day with her. He just threw it on me before he is to leave. She is newly divorced and boyfriend spent a day last time with her helping her move out her things. He thinks of her fondly and said she was very direct and honest with him when he working as an aide in her class before graduating. He admired that she told him he was acting like an ass to his face, that he was a smart guy but his attitude wont get him anywhere. And he has been close to her ever since. She had told him when he was 18 she would take him to a bar for his birthday. So when he turned 18 he called her and they went. He did try to take me by to see her early last year, but she wasnt at the school that day. I guess I just wonder what she looks like! HA, Im terrible!

Im just trying to sort out my feelings, maybe its because I have this uncertainty about he and I also? But I notice I feel weird now about spending time with guy friends minus boyfriend. I have my friend G who keeps wanting to meet for lunch. And I find Im interested in going out with him when things are going crappy with boyfriend. Yet I dont want to do anything with G, I just dont feel the need to hang out with him really, he is respectful to me and wont push any boundaries, Ive known him long enough, yet at the same time, I know hes interested in me deep inside but wont push it.

Im just doing a lot of questioning myself, questioning our relationship. Its not that I dont love him, I do. I just question our potential to work out as a couple, what we each want out of life, how we approach life, how we view the world. I dont know, its confusing for me at times dealing with my own internal thoughts.

I found a letter next to boyfriends computer, its written to me, its been sitting there since last year. And it referred to me, I had just attempted things with my ex again and he was dealing with those emotions and spent some time with this teacher. She had told boyfriend that she met a man and fell in love, that he was her TRUE LOVE, but she didnt stay with him, then she met and married her husband ( who she just know divorced) He had said he never understood this whole true love thing she referred to, if he was then why didnt she stay with him, and then marry someone she didnt feel the same way about? She had told him She couldnt marry him it wouldnt work out, and boyfriend said he was thinking he understood know what she was saying. Mind you this was written when I broke things off with him and we didnt see eachother for 3 mos in person.

Its such a overwhelming feeling, we have such a strong emotional bond, boyfriend and I, yet I still am full of uncertainty, yet I dearly love him. Im not used to this, Im not sure what this is. Or if I can even define it.

I have never been so physically attracted to a man they way I am to him. I love the way he smells, I love the way his lips taste when I kiss him, I dont wake up in the morning and have to roll away, his breath doesnt scare me. Its so intense for me, I wasnt like this with my ex at all, I never was. He was a good looking man, but I didnt respond this way to him. I know its not just a physical attraction to him, theres more, but Im just identifying these things I have never felt before.