Sucky Feeling

Dear Diary,

Morning.

Ahhh feeling kinda weird today, but cant really pinpoint exactly what it is Im feeling.

B and I had our first squabble this weekend, well the first since the changes in him.

Its wasnt that major or anything, but wow it hurt. Im so sensitive to conflict. I just want to run away and hide.

So basically B came out Friday night.

He had called me earlier in the week and said “Hey I dont have any money right now and I want to do something nice for Valentines Day with you, but Im broke”

I didnt really care if hes broke or not, us fixing dinner and eating alone together would be enough and a card or something ya know?

So I didnt say anything else seeing if hed step up and still do anything, or if hed just blow it all off. Kinda leaving it in his court.

Im feeling really freakin sensitive right now and I think some of it is jealousy? I dont know how to describe it! IF it makes sense to someone reading me let me know…

So its Sunday, we are going to make breakfast, and we are in the kitchen talking, his friend D’s bday is that day, and he said a few of his friends were going to Sushi, a common ritual they have done for years on Sundays, Ive been before. With B’s old work out buddy, and former lady roomate and daughter, and the guy he lived with whos bday it was and some others. I know all these people too.

It was last minute, I had the kids, it was out of town, so I wasnt going, to late to get a sitter, B expressed desire to go, but it was a 45 min drive and then hed need $25 to eat and all and he didnt have much money to get him thru the week (food and gas) So he was just expressing his torn feelings, go or not?

And hes telling me how he has $50 all week and I guess inside I was sorta ticked, hes talking about this dudes bday and $25 dinner yet he called me this last week to preface how he cant do anything with me for Vday, so yeah, I was a little annoyed. I spoke up, and said “I dont know if this is appropriate”

And I expressed my thought, I was calm and all. I just said “I dont understand why you tell me you have no money for Valentines Day and yet you want to do this? Does that make sense?”

Well………

Out of his mouth came “Fuck You”

I was all ???????

I immediatly turned around to the sink, my eyes filled up with tears. I was done talking. He went on to say “Hey, Hey ” in the gentle way that he did when we first started to date and Id cry. I couldnt talk to him I told him to stop, my oldest was in the living room and that upset me too cause he was in earshot and Im not sure if he heard B say that to me. I dont cuss around my kids let alone does a man cuss at me.

I told him to leave me alone so I could make my childs breakfast and Id talk to him in a bit. I got it all done and went to my room with B to talk.

He said “Im sorry, I shouldnt have spoke to you and said that, I felt attacked” I said “Yes and then when you spoke to me like that I felt attacked” He said “I could see that” I said I was not trying to attack, I didnt understand. He said “Yes this is where you and I have had problems before, I see it now”

So we sat there and we were both able to express where we were coming from. He felt he had to put on a big presentation, Nice dinner, flowers, jewelry. for Valentines Day. He made an assumption that is what I wanted. He said “Victoria, Im not good at this holiday thing, you know me, but I know this is important to you” I said “B, I know you are broke right now, id be happy with you making me dinner, and a candle on the table” And hes all “Oh……..I can do that” and smiled. So I said “Look you know me, have you paid any attn to what I have said about my Ex Husband?

I reminded him that its not about nice gifts, and all, granted they are nice and I dont object, but Im realistic also. But my ex would do nothing, and then say “I didnt have any money” or “I was gonna do this….” and thats what I was handed. I said Id take a hand written card, I dont care if we are broke, Im not materialistic.

I told B “You cant do what you did at Christmas for me every holiday” (As he spent several Hundred dollars on me this past christmas)

He said “Victoria, when I called to tell you I had no money you didnt say anything, so I figured that was what you wanted, you didnt say “Hey thats okay, why dont we stay indoors, Id love for you to cook me dinner”? I said “B, I guess I wanted to see what youd come up with, if youd do something, or just do nothing if I didnt prompt you” So we pretty much got it all squared away, And then I addressed the speech and my son nearby and that was not okay by me.

B felt good, he was happy we were able to talk, that it didnt go like things in the past.

Me? I wanted to cry, I just asked him to hug me, I told him I was okay, it just was difficult for me. I panic with conflict. I realize this. Everytime B and I in the past had an issue it was always like the final straw feel and Id be upset, be left alone(Mainly cause hed shut down and close himself off in the past) and Id always feel it was my moment I should end US.

This was different.

We didnt do a whole lot this weekend, hung out at home, grocery shopped, he helped me clean up and move some stuff around in my garage. We laid in bed and watched tv, made things to eat, then Sunday we took the kids to Walmart to use some Gift Certificates they got from the Holidays.

We made Orange Chicken from Trader Joes, OMGOSH it was sooo good! My son loved it also!

Grandma took the little one so it was quiet, but in an ironic twist, my oldest got all whiney and saying “Im bored” even though hes griping most of the time his brother is home to leave him alone, but its been awhile since they have been apart. And then my Mom informs me little one was quiet and good as can be staying at her place over night, that he even went and played alone, which he usually bugs Grandma to be there for everything hes playing.

I got a lot of stuff on Ebay this weekend, Working on more for next weekend or so..I need money really bad, I had some bills that are higher then normal (Cell phone, Gas bill) to pay, and some things are a little backed up, plus I am trying to get together some more money to put down on the couch I ordered. So I dont have to charge most of it on a credit card.

Cute Gym Guy called Sunday AM. He left a voice mail that said “Hey Girlfriend,,, give me a call, I have something for you and the boys”

Well come Sunday Eve, B talked to the group going to dinner online, the old lady roomate said shed lend him some cash for dinner and that he needed to be there. So B ended up going. So I was alone Sunday eve, he asked me if I wanted him to drive back, I said Naw, he was having dinner at 8:00 or so,,, and it would be silly to drive all the way back that late then get up for work in the AM.

I called Cute Gym Guy back, he found a color tv at the apartments left behind and I forgot awhile back I said if he came across one Id take it. And he said he picked me up some Rainbow Tulips and some chocolate calcium chew supplements(haha he makes me laugh as he thinks of me and buys me vitamins and things, hes done this before)

It was sweet, I said thank you, but I feel bad when he does this.

I told him I wont be at the gym monday so he was all telling me how the tulips are all opening now and he wanted to give them to me when they were closed. He said “Well let me know if you can come by or Ill bring the stuff Tuesday to the gym”

We talked but it was kinda awkward, he said “I miss you, I want you back in my life” and I just sat there, I said “I dont know what to say to you”

Its not that I dont miss him, I just cant be all romantic with him, and he wants that with me. So I have to be careful now. Id have him come by, but I know how he is with me, hed want to be affectionate and all that.

So I keep our time limited.

And he started on the speech of “You treat a woman like shit and they stay, you treat them with respect and they leave you” Im all “Whos treating me like shit?

Hes all”Well you went on about how bad the relationship was with him” I said “Yes and I broke up with him for it” So hes all “Well you went back” I said “Yes but what happens when a person changes?” Hes all “Whatever”

Hes all “Remember me Victoria down the line when things go bad, but remember, then it might be too late”

I just listened, its my choice here, but Im not going to be guilted otherwise.

He was telling me about his paint job on his apartment, and how it was going, I just want to go over there and help! Hes using the wrong paint and all, old rollers, I guess what the landlord gives him, its not that expensive to get a new roller and a can of paint. But oh well. Hes gonna do what hes gonna do.

So a few things I have learned about Cute Gym Guy. Hes very health conscious yet paranoid,,, like always going on about how I need enough this or that vitamins… sometimes its annoying cause its like hes lecturing me. And Im like OKAY enough!

He worries about diseases and things and clean food and all this stuff, granted I think about those things too, but Im not as extreme about it all.

And he doesnt use an ATM or credit card or Check Card or any of that and is all paranoid about the internet, your information, people stealing your identity,, you name it he goes on speeches about it.

So its all foreign to him and he acts like these are Bad things and will go on these speeches to me. Im like “Ok Ok” Dude has never owned a computer so dont talk to me like Im clueless about computer viruses and info on the net. Im aware.

Hes just behind the times in some things, and I think hes afraid of the new stuff, its intimadating to him.

Well, I was up late, B called me at almost 1am. I was still awake. He went over to his buddies house and was hanging out for awhile. Then headed home at 12:30 am.

The part of me that gets jealous or feels weird or what have you? I have a hard time feeling happy when he goes and does things with others, not like he does it alot either! But I get all weird feeling. Im not mad at him nor do I think what he is doing is inappropriate, I just feel weird. Im irritable and annoyed.

I guess its the fact that I cant just up and go out like the others, and that it was last minute and I project down the line and think he will be doing stuff and Ill be sitting home with the kids.

I just hate that I cant go, and that he doesnt help or try to make a way or say “Bring the kids” even though I really wouldnt want too, but I guess, oh I dont know, its like when I went out with Gym Guy or Mr Comedy, they knew my kids were p art of things and they were included in plans.

Ugh I feel all weird with what Im typing, I just dont know how to deal with this,, or how to express it. I just feel hurt, and its not a personal thing I know, its my own frustration, and its probably a better reason why hanging with other couples is good when you have a partner, everyone that went was single, no kids except the lady with the teenager. So they can all plan stuff like this and do at times, and thats the stuff I cant usually make it too, and it sucks.

🙁