Messy Monday

Dear Diary,

Morning.

Well yesterday was crap. I felt horrible, I hate things I said, It was just not a good day for me emotionally. The whole thing with B, then I got home and my kids are outside with the neighbor boy and my oldest comes to my Jeep door tattling on his brother. Ugh, here we go, I go inside to let mom leave to go home, and within 30 min oldest had punched his brother in the stomach and I had to go to damage control and I got angry at both of them and punished them both and just sat at my desk in my office with tears pouring down my face. Both kids were just in their rooms quiet pretty much. I think they saw I had no patience that day? I dont know but they both retreated quietly into a book and were quiet for some time which is totally rare.

I spoke to B online, I was all crying and he said I could call him, I did and Im just a mess, and at this point hes testy and frustrated with me feeling I attacked him and that he doesnt understand me and where I am, and how we arent even bf/gf as per me asking for space so he has no idea what he is to do, and how we have been getting closer, things going so well, then a conflict occurs and I just go all nuts over it instead of allowing us to resolve a problem and how its right before a Lovers holiday, he reminded me of the commitmentphobic book Im reading, how I fall under the passive avoider and hes the active one in how our tactics work, that he thinks Im just in defensive mode.

I had to go as I was crying, didnt think the convo was going well, at least on my end, and I had a headache, so I got out of my bed, went and hugged my oldest, got my little one out and had him come help me make dinner, he likes to feel involved and I didnt want the evening to be them afraid of me and worrying about me. So I took some Tylenol, we made dinner, then I called my sister, to just girl talk and say I felt like garbage, I didnt know why to be exact, sister said “Veronica, its okay, just go with it, feel yuck, dont try to figure it out, just roll with it, its okay to feel that way” yes B said this to some degree but more harsh and guy like and my sister said it in a way I could recieve. Shes a woman, she was soft but caring and she and I have similar thought processes, so Im glad I called her, kinda just giving myself permission to not feel good but not beat myself over the head for it.

I talked to B later, and Im too exhausted to even write it all out, we spun in circles, I thought I was ready to say “Okay we are back together” and I literally got to start saying the sentence and I froze, I literally just sat there, I felt scared and panicy, and I shut down.

So then my mind wants to pick it apart… Thinking because I feel that its a bad sign I shouldnt be committed to B. Then the other side of me sees the other end, how im panicing, how Ive wanted him closer in my life and Im getting it and it terrifies me. I cant run from every conflict that occurs, but I also cant go all nuts and punishing him either for an error, I wouldnt want him to do that to me.

And yes a small part of me holds on to Cute Gym Guy. We spoke last night, I didnt say much other then that my day was stressful and I wasnt doing so hot. He said “Ahhhh do you need a hug? Someone to hold you and tell you its gonna be okay? A massage,,, someone to just hold and rock you?”

CRAP

He nailed all of it. I just wanted to collapse yesterday and called B in tears, and in my head all I wanted was what Gym dude just said.

I wanted so badly to tell him to come over, hold me, make me feel better, I so badly wanted to do that, I cannot even describe how I just wanted it, but I wouldnt come out and say it, because I knew if I had him over I may have to deal with more and I dont want to sleep with him or face that.

We said goodbye

When things get like this I just want to get away.

So B and I spoke till midnite, and I dont think much was accomplished, hes frustrated now I can tell, he doesnt feel he can say anything right to me.
I feel bad for that. Im just tired,

And I told myself dont go committing to him at a moment like this! And I just backed off, went to bed, didnt go there……..