Nostalgic Tears

Dear Diary,

After I wrote my last entry I went back to cleaning my office desk off. I wanted to put a picture of my cousins in one of my new frames I got for Christmas, the value and love of family becomes more and more important as I get older, and especially since my split with the Ex family even became more important to me. Im so fortunate to have a loving family network, its by no means perfect since their is so perfect family, but I still think Im blessed.

So I officially for the first time ever have a picture of my 3 cousins they sent out this Christmas, all males. 2 are since married, and then the cousin who is 1 yr apart in age from myself. I love these guys. I dont get to seem them very often, but whenever I do see them, Im still that sister they never had that they love to tease. They always said when I was little they nicknamed me “Giggles” And now with the internet, my youngest cousin and I have become closer as a result in ways we never probably would have become close.

So I go to the living room to get the frames out of the drawer. With the up and down emotions of this past year, I have often switched some frames. I took down the wedding photo and framed wedding invite of my Ex and I. Those went down a year ago and I havent pulled them out since. But the family photo has remained up. I guess in many ways for the children, a reminder of their father. I dont know, but I took that one down, then put it up, then down, then moved it to a less visible spot, then put it back, and then a week ago I had to put it to rest and just take it down. It is a gorgeous picture of us, its one of those oil painting looking ones that cost $$$ and is in a gorgeous wood frame. That was our last studio family picture we all took together. Its about 5 yrs old now. So I opened the drawer for the frames, and there it was, a adorable picture of my Ex and I staring at me. ::::crying now as I type::::: Its a really warm loving picture of us. And my Ex had told me it was his favorite, because I walked up behind him while he was on the computer, put my arm around him and held the camera out in front of us. I must have taken it about 4 yrs ago. And placed it in all of our Christmas cards that year. We look like such a beautiful couple and my Ex looked so very handsome in the shot. It was like looking at some other man. Not that man I see now. The man in the picture wasnt him in a weird way. Even though our marriage wasnt A OK at that time either, but it wasnt as bad as it got tho either.

I stood up after looking at it and saw the family portrait beside the furniture out of sight against the wall, and I said softly “Its ok hun, I still love you” ::::Crying::::: Oh man this is hard, this is probably the first real cry Ive had since I stopped speaking to him and just ended it totally. I know I had to do it. Im not doubting my decision. It was more of a closure moment again, a release. It was as if I was looking at my Ex and saying “its ok” because despite all of the ugliness and hurtful things, there is a love their for him that I will always have. I loved him enough to let him go, he needs to face himself, and he cant do it with me, he hasnt been able to, and I cant be torn down in the process. I pray he sees a need to change and improve himself, he may or he may never. But I do love him and always will.