The Men

Dear Diary,

Good Morning.

I crawled in bed and was watching TV last night. Phone rang at 10pm! I figured it would be B since nobody else really calls me past 9. So I was happy to hear from him. We ended up on the phone till midnight. We just kinda chit chatted about silly stuff. At one point he did mention that he wasnt happy that things werent all good between us. Then he said at one point something about how he wants us to be together and happy. And he said something about us living together. I asked him if he thought we would be happy living together? He said Yes, and I said “Why so?” anyways, he went on to say that he does need to make more money and be able to help take care of me( pitch in as a couple and provide ) and that was pretty much it. I just listened to him. I did say YEAH! THats it! I just didnt say anything.

And the other night I noticed he said “What do you want me to move in???” and I have never ever even asked or had a talk about him moving in. When I was group a few weeks back and B was really down and pouty about moving they said he was wanting me to ask him to move in, he was trying to get that response out of me. And he did say that a female friend of his when she heard he was moving said “Oh with the wife?”(thats her nickname for me) Im sure everyone is wondering. I mean I would. We are going on almost 2 yrs of dating, we live 45 min apart, and a natural progression is for people to get closer and want to be together more. Which I do want that, but my idea is different then B’s. Theres no way Im moving in a guy who cant even keep a steady job. I was married to that, I know how stressful it can be, to come home and see this person sitting around when they should be out working. So why in hell would I bring more of that in? No wayyyyyy.

B wants to be with me, B wants me to be the one, B has said he wants to be with me, be married to me. Counselor said he possibly keeps saying these things to feel me out, see my responses to see where I am with him. Dunno?

I just want a partner who can take care of his basic needs, have some money extra, Im not talking big money, but just enough to enjoy weekends out, eat somewhere nice, take a drive, see a museum.

But B is coming out tonight. I was kinda surprised when he said that. And then I will stay over his place Friday night. He said we can go in the jacuzzi. Oooooo. So Ill leave for Hollywood Sat from his place, he is going to leave at 2 and be driving to a job that is a 3 hr drive each way. So he will be gone until late, not sure what I will do Sat night yet!

Music dude and I havent been talking on the phone as much at night. We started getting into a habit, it was nice though, so I got up this AM and found a message at 10:25 on my cell. It was him just seeing what I was up too. 🙂

Have I ever mentioned how sexy his voice is on my cell. Omgosh!

I was browsing through the classmates site yesterday. I recall him saying something about it, so I found him! He had a picture posted and wrote a brief profile. The picture was HORRIBLE! haha It is probably about 2 yrs old, he looks heavier, and looks like he has a beard, he isnt wearing his hat he normally wear so he looks older, and well he just looked SCARY! His little girl was in the shot with him. He had filled out things and I noticed we both had the same approach to life in many ways, and he shares a same openness to people, to new things, to self learning, shared optimism for the future, etc

I cannot tell you how much at times I wonder if he is where Im supposed to go, the man Im supposed to move towards. Yet Im scared as hell about it all.

So Ill see B tonight, I have counseling today also. Later