The LETTER

Dear Diary,

Just sitting here. I had terrible stomach cramps today. Doubling over cramps. I had to leave work and go home. I have been thru a lot of emotions today, first waking up to that email in my last entry, then having some negative feelings towards the man I have dated. I wrote my male cousin about a month ago. So he had no heard I had ended the marriage. He was writing from my last mail where I was still trying to “do the right” thing and stay, And also the feelings for the man I had dated were lingering.

Anyways I got his email and it was very touching. I have great people around me. Including family. After I read his mail I thought some and I then apologized to the man I dated for my pressure on him to be involved with the children and I at this time. Not that it isnt a valid thought, but at this time I was rushing it NOW. ANd NOW is not the time, and I guess the letter from cousin reminded me of the WHY. So the dating man and I had a good talk, I showed him the letter and he said it was full of wisdom. We both shared that we really dont know how to be with exactly with one another right now. Its new for both of us. But the tension feels lifted in some ways. So we discussed going out for the day Sunday. We shall see. I told him Id like to go to the beach or something and just hang out there, we did that way back when he took me to a spot where he used to go and sit and be alone and think. It was a very romantic day when we went. He had me sit on a rock and close my eyes and he placed a letter in my hands to read. It was a beautiful day sitting there together.

So here is the letter from Cousin.

This letter is long. It’ll take a while to read. It may make you laugh or

cry. Maybe both. Just a warning before you dig in… *smile*

Anyway, I suppose the first thing I’d like to say is that I understand. L and I did jump into a full-fledged

relationship, in too many ways practically the day after she and J came to

the mutual decision to divorce.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t simple. If Mom would have known (and I concealed

the “minor” fact that L was married waiting for the divorce to finalize

while L lived back home and worked with Dad that summer, fooling myself that

I wanted them to get to know her without that baggage) then she would have told

me that L needed time to herself without a man, to once again figure out who

she was as an individual. Heck, she told me enough times afterword…

With almost a year living it and with years of reflection, she’s right. Lisa

took me into the “husband” role immediately, and that ultimately caused lots of

problems. She had come from a mostly loveless and definitely lack-of-respect-

for-Jeff marriage of convienence. Even though she grew up fiercely

independent, and is that way again, she at that time desperately wanted all

those things that were missing so long. I provided them, but it was too much,

too soon, and too fast. Wayyyy too fast…nothing worse than a current husband

having second thoughts and wanting his trophy wife back pounding on your door

in the evening.

L gave him a second chance due to family pressure, J’s pressure, and

guilt. We backed off from each other. For their first “new” date, J was

late (which she HATES), was mildly insulting, and obviously didn’t even

remember what his wife liked to do and to eat. In some other small ways that

evening he finished off his second chance. Sounds a little familiar, no?

I had been there for L that year previous. The attraction between us grew

from friendship to more; we did manage to practice some self-delusion about it,

though. 🙂 I know I helped her a lot during that tough time. I gave her

advice I still view sound, even though then my bias was STRONG. We should have

kept things simple for a long time AFTER the divorce if a long-term

relationship between us was to grow; of course, we were in that goofy stage

that feels a lot like love and couldn’t wait. And, I think, that helped to

ultimately kill it.

We’re still friends, and see each other now and again when folks gather in Ames

or MN to game for a weekend. But we don’t talk about what had passed between

us, nor our current relationships. It’s a loss.

So I want you to know I understand, quite a bit I think, what you’re feeling

and why. And it’s NORMAL, and it makes SENSE, and it’s OK. I also want you to

know that I was proud of you as you regained your life, discovered

independence, realized that you could take care of your finances and your

kids. It wasn’t easy, I realize, and won’t/couldn’t be. Family support was

necessary, but that’s OK too. But you were doing it. You CAN do it, and no

matter what happens, you need to remember the strength you have.

As a friend, I would say that a marriage without love ISN’T a marriage. In

those cases it is a contract, and not a good one at that. Marriage was going

on long before Christ, and it wasn’t until the 10/11th century that the church

decided that they should get involved in the whole marriage thing and pretend

it was something divine. Since you are a believer, you have to know that God

is going to understand and want the best for you and your family. Do you think

it is good to stay in a mockery of a marriage? Is it good for the kids? The

couple? Does the divine family benefit from unnecessary unhappiness, pain, and

grief?

Of course the kids are vital. They limit your perceptions and your options–

and rightfully so. This is one of the reasons that I’m unsure of what advice

to give, of what I’d do in your shoes. However, if Ex’s in the midwest and

you’re in CA and if you retain custody, he will be a mostly non-presence in

their lives. Maybe that’s a good thing, a bad thing, a sad thing–I don’t

know. What I do know from our e-mail and IMs is that he doesn’t sound like

he’s ever been much of a “dad”; maybe a “father” who brough home money, but was

he, is he, more? Has he ever grown up?

Speaking PRACTICALLY and coldly, I think that you need to hold off on pursuing

any relationships beyond friendship for a while. Mom, with her knowledge of

her friends (including Mary, divorced long ago and who has gone through

nasty abusive follow-ups), would be right on that advice she gave me six years

ago. I think you need to revisit that strength you were developing.

But there’s also the added reason of the kids. You don’t want to confuse them

more right now, and you don’t want to give EX ammunition to use in a

custody battle, if one materializes.

Speaking as a cousin who cares for you, you MUST FOLLOW YOUR HEART. I am not a

believer, but I think that if God is going to speak to you, it’s going to be

through there. You can listen to pastors and husbands and family and friends,

but only you know what’s going on inside; you’re the one who has the best grasp

of what is going to be good for your kids and you. People like me may have a

pretty good idea of what’s bouncing around in your heart and mind through

applying our own personal experience, but I’m still just me trapped in my own

mind and noggin.

Too many people get divorced nowadays. Too many went into a marriage not

realizing that sometimes it’s going to be terrible, and maybe even rarely they

may hate their spouse for an hour, or a day. They don’t know the partner well

enough to know if this is a person they can RESPECT (and I think that has to be

the biggest glue in a long-term relationship, whether it is a friend, a lover,

or a spouse). But it’s not just their fault; it’s also partly our society’s

fault. They forget that it is work. We fail to teach it is work.

In your case, though, I don’t believe you’ve forgotten that. You HAVE worked

at it; you’ve seen counselors, you’ve talked, you’ve struggled. The simple

fact FROM MY PERSPECTIVE is that it was a bad mistake for you and EX to get

married so young, before you knew each other better. But what has happened,

happened, and has produced other results (like the kids). You have to answer

whether at this point is it going to do the most good to the most people to

stick it out or to break it off? I think New Years may have answered that

question for you, judging by what you wrote me.

Something you need to remember is that sometimes it is good to take care of

yourself. 🙂 If you always put others before you, you may be doing THEM a

disservice–for if you’re not well, you can’t help them as capably or well. In

an airplane decompression, they teach you to put the mask on yourself first

BEFORE your kids–because if you do them first, you may pass out and if they

are young and can’t help you, you could be the one to die. You do them no

favors by being selfless.

Anyway, I’ve been writing for a heckuva long time, rambling on about this and

that. Read it, think about it, throw it away, digest it, respond…whatever.

I’m here if you want a wall to bounce ideas off of or a friend to write or talk

to.

Take care, and with love,

Your Cousin