Life Changes

Dear Diary,
I am sitting at a Starbucks near my big sisters house. She has no internet and I can only use my cell phone which I hate typing on or writing a lot. I needed to write. So I finally got over here. Spent $9 on silly stuff to drink and eat, but oh well. Now I will type away. I feel like crying! No crying at Starbucks!

Ah I must be Pmsing, it just dawned on me since Im feeling emotional and been battling a headache.

But anyways, here is what is going on. Its not bad, its just different and I feel a little ungrounded? if that makes sense.

So hubbys mom has been in a convalescent care/rehab place since her hospital stay and surgeries. She was not eating, doing any physical therapy or turning in bed, so needless to say she wasnt improving.

So his sis called him to come out and that she wants him. So we went out for thanksgiving with my family and dropped him off sunday after, hes using his moms car.

Ill wrap this up in shorter version

Mom has improved a bunch since hubby has shown up. My mom lectured he and his sis a lot about not babying mom and letting her do things and not taking on all her burden to get better.

Yeah my mom went to see his mom too.

Hubby and his sis have issues, the family does, they arent close so this is all strange and weird to listen to and watch as they act very obligated like their own lives stop.

She has care, she can do better and improve. Have no issue with them encouraging or supporting her, but its like everything else stops and they sit by her bed for 6 hours or even when shes sleeping. my mom told them its not good for them and that they need to take care of themselves.

Anyways, I am not staying with hubby there, its too stressful. Because hes an aspie he doesnt multi task well, he fixates on one thing, and it takes everything out of him and hes mean and snappy to me. So its better I dont, plus it would be awkward and uncomfy hanging out there all the time at her house or hospital or with his sis, due to all their family dysfunction and hubby has never asked me to stay there with him. So I have been at moms, then we made a quick trip back this wed night, hubby got 2 job interviews, then we turned around friday am and drove back, he dropped me off at my sisters, he had his moms car and I left my van at sisters and our dog is at moms still.

So Im at my big sisters house. I loaded up a dinette set this trip thats been in her garage for mos to take back to sell. I cleaned her house, I grocery shopped for her.

I got kinda upset the day I arrived. Not that she knew, I was praying to God about it and how to handle it, just praying as I love her but I felt dis respected. She complains about how she has no time, took on a combo job, and she just has let everything go to pot. She literally comes home from work, takes off her clothes where she is standing and they are in the way in the bathroom, she eats in bed and puts her dishes in her drawer and leaves them all over her coffee table, she started smoking in her house(she doesnt do that, she doesnt want her house to smell) plus we cleaned it, she scrubbed walls, I even repainted some of them, I did a big clean up for her months back. She has done nothing since, and just made a mess and says nothing really matters. We went to her house for thanksgiving but I cleaned her house and my mom and I cooked cause she worked and was sleeping. That way she could particapate. Ive been
trying to help her, but now Im feeling a little frustrated? Taken for granted? I dont mind helping, but when you do so much hard work and someone doesnt care for it and goes on about how they havent when they live alone and I did all the hard stuff for her? I told her this time she better clear off the bed I was to sleep on as she uses it as a dresser(even though we got her room all clean and a dresser and set up and mom bought her a bed, and a guest bed, and a van, and a washer, etc

I feel in a way its enabling her not to care for herself.

She eats awful, She doesnt eat all day, just coffee and ciggs, then goes to work in the late afternoon, works till after midnight many nights, then eats when she gets home till shes full and says she cant sleep without being super full, then wakes up, eats more then sleeps, then repeats the process. Well I get there and its cheetos, marshmellows all out and on the counters mixed with maybe a sandwich, Im amazed she can function eating this way. And she had lupus and so many other issues in the past. So its frustrating for me to watch but she complains she has no time. I grocery shopped for her. She reimbursed me. I cleared the clothes off the bed I was to sleep in and put them in a basket, she dumped it on the living room floor in a huff getting ready for work and left it there, I said Id make her dinner that night, but by that point I was fed up. She tells me she is going to do things when I come, that she never does or wakes up for. She keeps saying shes going to church and will start going with me and says that day she is, but then an hour or so before goes and takes a nap and doesnt get up. This is before the new job combo hours, so I just feel she says stuff, she lied about smoking in the house when I called her out on it, told her its starting to stink, she said it was the damp weather(Umm no its the ash tray in living room silly, Im not a fool) Im leaving a lot out, but yeah, so when she took the basket and threw it all over the floor I drew the line, it was mean and I cleaned her house, did all her dishes, laundry, cleaned her kitchen counters, made her bed, swept her floors, and 2 days later on the phone she said “Oh thanks for cleaning my house, not that you can tell now” so I said “thats it ” to myself and prayed yesterday. I didnt pick up the clothes she dumped all over the floor in the living room. And didnt make dinner for her. I wasnt doing anymore to make it easier for her when she isnt taking care of herself, thats what I mean by enabling, if I clean and feed her and she isnt appreciative of it or doing things for herself, Im just making it easier for her to continue, I was kinda upset last night, I got up this am and went to watch the christmas parade alone. She ate what I BOUGHT and she said she didnt want me to buy for her spefically at the store, I bought a pack to take to moms of some meat and put it with my stuff in the fridge in the back to take to moms on monday, she opened it and ate that(when she said not to get it for her at the store) So thats the stuff she does.

So she got up today and for the first time didnt go back to sleep, cleaned up, did her laundry, I mean her underwear are out everywhere for everyone to see. She fixed something to eat.

She said she wanted to go to a store with me tonight, but I waited, she was still sleeping, so here I am at Starbucks, I cant wait on her. Im going to a thrift store afterwards. Its open till 8:45pm.

Hubby just got another job interview for this next friday in Az, so he has to go back again so Ill head home the same time, he said he will probably drive his moms car and go back again, Ill go home with the dog and stay.

I want to be home.

I feel displaced, when we went home it felt like it had been so long since Id been there!

ive been working my butt off at home to get stuff done, sold and out and am making progress and $$ and its dec my big sale time.

Plus got two neighborhood invites for christmas events, breakfast potluck and a dinner munchies and wine, in two historic beautiful homes with great neighbors. Thats where I want to be for the holiday, I want to be home.

I have no idea where hubby will be.

I just have to go with it.

I will probably feel better seeing gf’s this week when I go back to moms for a few days. Got my hair done already and saw my closest friend E already. Ran into D who we used to be close on accident, saw her for 20 min.

Life just feels weird. I like California, I like it down here where my sister lives, wouldnt mind living in the area, its pretty, old history and homes and much nicer then where I used to live, but more expensive. But I like being in my own home, my own space.

I feel like Im watching my relatives not take care of themselves and seeing physically they are going to be sick and mom and big sis are alone, and so will I be having to help them? I mean you know? You love your family but you see them do poor things. I try to encourage better eating habits. But they are so set in their ways, And I have radically tweaked a lot of my eating compared to how I used to be and understand food differently.

Our food and exercise and taking care of our bodies is the core of everything.

So yeah, Im here. My big sis does so many weird things, and I love her, but she does weird stuff and lies to herself about it or justifies it with weird reasoning. Im like “Just be honest and stop saying otherwise!” I would do better if she was honest with herself, dont lie to me or yourself.

So yeah,

Im doing okay overall. Pray hubby gets a job so we have our income back and dont have to use all our savings. And pray I continue to sell and get things out.