Letting It Out

Dear Diary,

Been a sorta weird Saturday for me.

I felt good first part of the day. Then started to miss B later part and be sad. I struggle with that part a lot.

This is just one of those entries where Im just letting out a bunch of crap. Just cause I want to.

I wonder what it would be like to have a guy around more? About a new man in my life? And where would I even find someone? I seem to be stuck in this little core circle of people.

And well my first real attraction in the area where I live is to my instructor. I seem to meet guys online who live an hour or more away from me. Local men just dont catch my attention, and well my instructor looks like he belongs in Hollywood and not here, haha.

Music dude was being really friendly with me today. Telling me how sensual a person I am, telling me I have a firey side, telling me how his parents would love me. Joking with me, asking if he can move in. I said “Yep but no pot in my house” and well he grumbled at me. Hes going out with some chick tonight getting a hotel room, nice “IN” crowd place.

He told me today “Im a romance addict” referring to himself.

Sigh

And Im so fucking tired of driving to see men. Im tired of doing the work, its about damn time I get it back, Im worth it. What the hell has happened?

Im a good damn girlfriend. I do a lot. I do too much. I make it easy for the other side not to do much cause I do it all. Now Im trying to stop that, and its hard. Its hard to stop being who I have been. Then I feel Im playing a game. But at the same time we teach others how to treat us right?

Im trying so hard to stay away from B. I mean Ill talk if he calls, email him back at work during the week, the usual communication stuff. But I dont want to make the call. I dont want to drive out to see him. I want to see really what the relationship looks like when I stop doing the work. And its so hard for me to do it. I miss him so much. But at the same time Im sad as hell, what will happen if Im not doing the work?

But then again its not fair to me. I deserve that.

Sighhhh

Theres some parts of B I totally love and adore and cannot dream of giving up, and I cannot even imagine finding. Yeah I admit, I feel Ive found some rare things in him that are hard to replace.

But then on the other hand, I really need to have a man in my life more. Im constantly feeling loneliness, wishing Id meet a man who could be that.

And at the same time am deathly afraid of losing B. That despite not seeing him all the time hes there for me. In a phone/email/internet talk capacity.

And Im alone enuff as it is, then with him gone. I feel I would loose my best friend.

Ugh I truly feel so fucking alone in the world. I know people, but I really want that special person to be with.

B tells me I think being alone is such a bad thing, I so strongly resist it. Is that so bad? I think some of us are meant to be with someone. I believe God gives us that desire and wants that for us.

And B says the very thing I fight and resist. Being alone. He thrives in, he works well in, its all hes known. He likes it.

Bleh.

Im sad that on the first mothers Day when B and I were first dating he borrowed a friends car, to come see me, said it was that important and brought me a Moms Day gift and card. And I havent heard a word of him coming out or anything.

Hes the type that keeps ya wondering ya know? Like the flowers right before Easter. I had finally resigned myself to B does nothing for holidays, etc. Then he did that. And now Im all wondering about Moms Day.

I just dont know how to feel or respond. Nothing is consistant ya know? Im up and down because things are up and down.

My counselor said that he seems to do these great things at times, and I get reeled in. And it reminds me of my abuse counseling. The pattern. Doing nice things unexpected to get your emotions turned towards the person, but then going back to not treating a person so nice, and this yo yo thing.

Im lonely tonight. Ive laid and watched tv, then gone back and forth to computer. Theres nobody to really call and talk to. Music dude has his date. Mr Comedy and I kinda had a confrontation/rift after he flaked on me and I confronted him over it and hes been gone from online since.

So Ill just make it thru the nite, B was just talking to me online a bit but logged off, he ordered a pizza and was gonna work out some before hand.

Rick Dees on the radio says “Absence makes the heart grow absent”

I really relate to that statement. It works that way for me anyways.

I hold a teddy bear that I love, but at times Im pissed off about and cant hold it, because its a subsitute for the real thing. And I dont like that. I want him next to me, or I want a person who can be there more.

I just want more in my life with a relationship. yet Im scared as hell to loose what I do have, yet Im scared to keep it, yet I am afraid I cant find anything better, yet yet yet yet yet.

Im just here, just being me. So wishing it was better is all.