Druggie Girl

Dear Diary,

Eeeeks. Think I got somewhat of a glimpse into what drug use is like!

I had a hell of a night.

I was up till 6am! And not wanting to be! And not doing anything. Plus I was highly emotional.

It was a usual night, nothing big, playing online, watching tv. B called me at 1am to say nite nite, I was on the computer and didnt call him back since I figured he was just going to pass out anyways.I watched Sat Nite Live, joked on the computer. I dont mind staying up late since I can sleep in.

But it was around 2am. Im still up. I watched some programs, still up, still clicking the channels, I go back online, its dead.

Nobody to really chat with, Im lonely and kinda sad.

I go back to my bed, I cried a little off and on, just cause I was lonely but I know when Im up super late my emotions get all weird anyways. Well I thought perhaps if I did some SELF pleasure it would make me tired and want to just pass out. So I tried. And well? I STARTED CRYING!!!!!! In the middle of it!!!!! Ive never ever done that. It reminded me of what J went thru after ex #2 I recall her saying she tried once and cried.

Which further depressed me. I began to get angry and sad. Wondering why the hell am I subsituting with a teddy bear to cuddle and a vibrator for pleasure. And I felt even more lonesome.

OK THEN!!!! Tony Robbins Infomercial comes on. About Power in your life and I kid you not Im crying hearing testimonies and things on it.

I was freaking, I went back online, just weirdos and a few regs who are up all nite talking sex and crap. I was being such a smartass and telling people off. Some guy went off and was all telling me How rude I am, and no wonder I dont have a companion and I have issues. I was actually getting a kick out of pissing him off more and more. I was all “Yes thats right, I have issues, Therapy is goood mmmmm kayyyyy!” LOL

But I logged off, went back to bed, nothing on tv at 5am. Sun was starting to come out which freaked me out since my kids would be up in 2 more hrs. And How was I ever gonna get to sleep. I laid in my bed and began to just cry and hold my bear some more.

It clicked with me, part of me was extremely emotional and dwelling on the relationship with B. The other part of me was dead tired, but then I realized it was my first day taking double the pills of Xenadrine.

And I remember reading a site of testimonials. How you are to take your second dosage mid afternoon, not in the eve. And I took it at 2pm. Hell I cleaned, did yard work, got some sun, I worked hard all day. I was in need of sleep, yet my body wouldnt let me.

And the crying! Ive been very emotional lately and its not PMS. So I was all angry at the stuff Im taking and told myself NO MORE!

I ended up calling B around 6am bawling. He was so out of it, and I told him just to call me when he woke up.

I hung up and literally cried myself to sleep.

Thank God i fell asleep tho! I woke up about 10am, B called. He asked me if I was ok and what was wrong. And we had a talk about the stuff Im taking. He has taken thermogenic stuff many a times and said “Victoria have you ever noticed my mood swings when I was on the stuff? And yes your emotions are amplified, you feel things deeper, and also he said I should cut back, take 2 pills in the AM, and one in the afternoon. Instead of just doing away with it all together. So Im gonna try that instead of just giving up. I only took one today.

I told him at the end when I called him I just wanted to crawl out of my skin and he said that totally sounding like Ephedra results, but this stuff doesnt have it, but he said its gotta have something very close.

He said also with my size and that Im not much of a caffiene user I feel everything a lot more. So Im scaling back, and see if thats better or if I just stop taking the stuff.

I feel better today, I mean theres still B stuff Im sad over, thats a given.

I went out to lunch with my Mom today and the kids, then my girlfriend from San Diego called, shes in town seeing her mom so we met at the park for 45 min before she had to go to hang out, let kids play and talk. She was telling me to find myself a good christian guy, and find a guy who likes to ballroom dance! heehee

She was telling me how her and her hubby have started doing that. She also said there marriage is still improving. She was ready to walk from him also and they are christians, but he finally realized she was serious and has started making many changes and things are better between them and she said keep improving. He got them to start the ballroom dancing.

Anyways, I just spoke to B some on the phone, now some dude is messaging me thats local. I changed my profile. I always left my city name out, but put it in and have been meeting random local fellas finding my name in the directory. Well just chit chatting, eeech, I swear the men around here. BLEH!

Laters!