Love My Children

Dear Diary,

Well my big date night didnt happen. I had this planned for weeks. I was upset a little over the last minute notifying that my date had given me. We didnt speak much. I felt a little hurt when I asked him what was wrong or going on with him and would he like to talk about it? And he answered “Ill tell you somethings wrong if I feel like telling you” I pretty much had it with him there and signed off.

Spoke later on with a christian man I met on the net. He seems really cool so far. He even prayed with me at the close of our phone call. I have decided Im probably gonna attempt to go away the last weekend of Feb. Im too anxious to get away. So just for 2 days. I still plan to take a vacation again, but I need something ASAP for my own sanity. So Im still trying to find a beach house rental Im happy with. I have some in mind but havent decided and have to call to find out about cleaning deposits and all that.

I sat down all week and prepared dinners for my children and myself and we all ate at the table. I fix my kids dinner every night but I dont always sit with them. I have felt guilty about this and want that to change. So it was nice they helped me set the table and seem to fight over who does what and were helpful each night, then they both volunteer to pray now. I so want to change our lives to be those filled with love happiness and joy. Not that Im a bad mother, but I need to change some things also. Ive been too caught up in the drama of my life when they are the ones who need the attention.

Today I picked them up from school and told them we were going home to get cleaned up then going to my fave restaraunt in town for dinner. So we all got dressed up nice for the eve and went out to dinner. I spent so much of last year home all weekend on the computer, depressed, upset, or broke. Things are a little smoother now and I have this new urge to get out and do things, which is a good thing for me and the children.

I still havent responded to my Mother in Law. I dont want to but need to. She just seems to like to keep people down, she thrives off people being troubled and once you are away from unhealthy things she throws more at you. I dont understand this at all???? She last heard from me and new things were rocky with her son and I and she was all kind, and she hasnt spoken to me since, then writes me an email about how she is sure Im not doing so well but then decides to tell me how Ive hurt her, and blah blah blah blah. Its like “Thanks for caring about me and the kids, but instead you want attention now?” Sorry Im just disgusted by her at the moment. I spent all my marriage trying to keep her in the life of my Ex and I. And one point he just wanted to write her off and I would say “You only have one mother, if she died tommorow would you regret that? And the kids need their gma in their lives, we just have to accept her the way she is” And now Im seeing where I have to set boundaries with a woman who is twice my age who tries to manipulate me emotionally.

I sat here tonight, thinking about my Ex. How I want to avoid him at all costs, and having the kids I have to have some involvement. I really wish I didnt. I wish I could just walk totally away from him and not have to deal with him anymore. Its just that emotionally stressful for me. And he tries to control and always tries things on me. I just want him to stop and be civil and leave me alone. He keeps telling our oldest he wants him to go out of state with him. He has no idea I told the attorney I dont want this, so Im not sure what kind of fight that will ensue or if he will try and stop that and fight me over that. But I have good reason to not want them going out of state with him. Not that he will kidnap them, but his behavior, lack of involvement, lack of knowing how to handle the children is where I am concerned. When they are teenagers it will be a little different, but they are both very young still. And when my Ex comes out here he always stays with family who I know are around to look out for the children so I feel some sense of them being ok there.

When we were at dinner they were clapping for someones Birthday and singing, and my oldest said “Why are they clapping????” and my youngest replied “Clapping is for JOY” He always says the coolest things that i have no idea that they lurk under his little hyper troublemaker smile.

On the way to dinner my oldest up front just says ” I love you Mom” and my other held my hand at the restaraunt as we waited to be seated and he gave me a kiss on the cheek. Im proud of my children. I watched my oldest walk up to find out how long it would take and approach the person up front to see how many more minutes. I watched him order his own meal. I watched him ask for a refill. Its amazing to watch these little ones grow up.

I love my children, I so want a better life for all of us. I know we are moving in that direction.