Vulnerable?

Dear Diary,

Evening.

Omgosh I felt like crap half of today, came down with a headache at work and wanted to just put my head down or go home but suffered through it, the drive home was so freakin hot and with a headache sucked.

Skipped the gym due to the headache.

I went to the bank then got the kids, got some milk, and just crashed on the couch. B came rolling in about 30 min later. HOW WILD. It was like the man coming home, funny to think in our years of dating we have not had that due to distance and other factors.

He was making us dinner already, Fresh homemade pesto sauce and pasta. Well he picked up shrimp, cilantro and lime juice too and came in and made dinner for all of us! I could barely stand in the kitchen I just had to sit as I felt like crap.

Hes so into cooking and those cooking shows, I so am not, so I appreciate and LOVE being cooked for.

We literally were stuffed and finished dinner and laid down in bed. I fell asleep around 8pm for about 30 min, damn that felt good! So Ive been up since. B fell asleep about 9pm. I should be sleeping but was just watching tv and was ancy as my mind is going but the body is tired, so here I am!

He made mention during making dinner about how this would be the time he came home each day, and the only problem is it messes with his work out gym routine and gym partner, so the days he wanted to work out hed be here about 8pm. I told him that was okay. And that I understand if hes here hed have to get to bed earlier. He said “Well I know that was something you said you wanted, someone to come home to, have dinner with…..”

Wow, yeah I did make mention of how Cute Gym guy would come over and wed all have dinner together and it felt so family like and I miss having that. Wow, Good ears and memory B. I told him Im not so rigid that it has to be that way every night. That during school time most of my eves are homework time with the kids and something easy for dinner the minute we all get in the door because we are all starved.

I did read Adored, about the marriage thing.

You know, Im so far from the marriage thought these days.

Yes ME. The church girl who didnt believe in sex before marriage and all that. Who thought shacking up was wrong. Now my whole views are different.

I hear more stories of things taking a turn once people do get married, ad I for one have a lot at risk legally remarrying. I own the house, have the good credit, have 2 children, I have the assests in this gig.

I went through so much pain and hell with my ex husband and the divorce process, I want as far from that as possible. Marriage? Will I ever again? Who knows? But at this time Im not ready for it.

I dont think a relationship is any more permanent living together or married, theres just assests to divide, legal garbage, attny fees, paperwork, should it not last. If its living together, its a clean cut, we go our separate ways.

I guess in my own head I dont relate to people who want to remarry after a divorce, that totally just scares the crapola out of me and does not sound appealing. But that is me.

I listen to Dr. Laura a lot, and she talks about it also, but she thinks divorced women shouldnt date till there kids are grown and people should not shack up. So you can see how much I agree there.

Perhaps I have been hardened, Jaded?

But I do not feel used for sex, I do not feel controlled, I dont feel financially used.

And if B and I were to shack up, Id have guidelines and things to discuss prior to doing so, Expectations, etc. B and I both have much to learn also, we are both immature in different ways. I think I see us more as roomates with respect to some degree in living together?

Like I said, I dont know, I dont know what will happen, just thinking out loud.

I want a person in my life, but at the same time I want my space and to feel somewhat I have control over my life.

I admire that B is not controlling and jealous, that he isnt the type to yell and start up stupid drama, sure we argue, but he does not scream and go nuts.

He wants to help take care of me and hte kids, I can see it, yet at the same time I wont totally give myself over to that, I have to feel a certain level of control. Well I choose to that is.

So its juggling both ends and finding a medium.

As adored said Being Vunerable.