Ahhhh Crazyyyy

Dear Diary,

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I feel so pulled in so many directions today.

Its exhausting and feels good in a weird way, yet at the same time AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So,

Thank the Lord my mechanic just called me. I was panicing cause hes usually so available. So Im gonna skip my class today, drop the Jeep off and hitch a ride home from my Mom or Dad, mechanic thinks its the Ignition switch or cylinder or both. But all in all he has to look at it still but if its those things, say if they had to do both, he said it could be done for just under $200.

So Im just glad I can get it in TODAY, Ill have to have my parents get the kids from school today and rides tomm, but I can manage to get that worked out somehow.

Whew, one thing taken care of!

My ex called me this AM saying he wants to give me some money and can I meet him somewhere, I told him I cant cause of my Jeep, he said “Oh yours too, I think I blew a head gasket” or something, so I told him to drop the money off at my parents house(Hes said hed do this MANY times in the past and bring nothing,, so I called my parents house, my Dad is there, and Ex said hes going to Home Depot then will drop it off, I told him to call me as soon as he leaves it. He said “Victoria, its not much, its only $50 but its all I have right now, Hey are you gonna have me thrown in jail???????”

I play stupid, I said “I cant throw you in jail” He said “Well the district attorney can”

I dont say stuff like that to him so obviously hes aware this can happen.

So will see if he does it eh?

SO Im waiting on that…

B called me after 11pm last night. I was so angry and pissed off and hurt last night, talked to Cute GYm guy some on the phone and my Big sister.

So when B called I was so angry, I was practically shaking.

I told him I was upset, I was upset at him and why.

He told me that working overtime, he got off at 7pm, work had him stressed out, he was bitchy and angry and that I have said lately how he can be so negative when we talk, that we havent seen eachother in 2 weeks, and he didnt think it would be cool to show up and be in a fowl mood over work and do that to me, that he needed to just go get some gas in his car, some dinner, that he went to Starbucks and just sat for a little while to wind down and stopped by his friends who moved in down the street.

I told him that Ive not seen him in 2 weeks, that hes been writing me emails for days saying he misses me and when can he come over, that he said 2 nights in a row hed do phone “Book dates” with me and he never did it either night.

He said “Well I know you were so tired and I didnt want to impose on you, I didnt think…” I told him “Did you even bother to say “Hey babe, lets have that date now?” or “Im going to read, that cool?” I told him if I was too tired Id tell him so and that I dont want to do it, that I sat there on the phone quiet both nights because I was waiting for him to step up and do what he said, and he on the other hand is assuming I dont want too.

I told him I cant keep being the one to prompt him.. I want to see him step up and follow through with his word, and to stop assuming what I want to do or how I feel and just ASK ME.

He was nice, he said he was sorry and that how can he make it better, that he is coming out tonight, he even got the book out last night and read to me..

We talked till almost 1am, which is so freakin nuts but I didnt want to hang up and neither did he even though we are both suffering sleep wise.

We talked about our futures, kids, my kids, counseling, parenting classes, etc,, he said he wants to do all that, we discussed the sat counseling sessions now offered,

He said he is working on plans to Catalina Island this weekend for us…

I told him dont tell me stuff, I cant handle the “I was gonnas….” I need to see plans happen. Not hear words that get my hopes up, but actions…

I havent worked on my screenplay at all for the past 2 weeks and we had a week off. Im missing class today, so either I have to get to work on it this week or Im going to have to request, ummm what is it? An incomplete? If I keep it up at this rate, Ive never done that before,,, but I dont want a F on the class you know, I just am not in the place to write lately… I mean I journal but working on my screenplay has not been my priority.

If I can get on the ball this next week and work on it, then that will be good, but I really dont know.

My Work Out Gym Guy Pal emailed me today wondering where I have been and mentioned that the lady L is wondering about me too, I told them whats up and why I havent been there, that I miss going, and now Im getting a cold, and my Jeep is going in the shop.

I just want my life back to normal!

I need to…

Get over this cold
Get More sleep
Work on my Screenplay
Get back to the gym

Those are the top ones on my list..

My kids go with their Dad this weekend, B and I are supposed to getaway together, I just look so forward to having no routine or kids or schedule and just sleeping and hanging out and eating good food. I need a REST.

And then hopefully be able to start back to the norm Monday.

My big sister called me this AM to see how the talk with B went, she said it sounded good and she was proud of me. 🙂

At one point last night I just was sobbing and told B “Im so afraid of you hurting me again, I cant go through that” and I just sat there and he said “Babe, I know, Im sorry, and Im not trying to do that”

Okay, well I have 4 more hours of work, then the post office and dropping the Jeep off at the mechanic, need to get a ride home,, wait for a call from Mom, and I can always call Cute Gym Guy as the gym is just across the street from the mechanic… I could really go work out if I wanted to, but with this runny nose dont think its wise, I should just go home and sleep a few hours until the kids are home from school.

We shall see