Not Ready

Dear Diary,

I went to get Jamba Juice yesterday. On the way I caught a little of Dr. Laura, this woman called in about she and her boyfriend.

She was brought up in a very goal, college oriented family, she went to college right away, and is a teacher, her boyfriend grew up differently, he started to go to school later, he is going right now, but her family is bothered the two of them are talking marriage right now.

Dr. Laura had said “Whats the hurry?” as she was saying she wanted to marry him now, even though he doesnt work but goes to school. Dr Laura said “Thats like a parent, sending the child off to school, why would you want to support him? Why not let him go finish school so he can get a job and help support you and a family, if hes such a good catch, why not wait? He still has growing up to do.”

I was talking to my Big sister about this stuff this past week also.

About B.

About how when we first got together, he hardly worked, he had been off work for periods, or going through various temp jobs, making just enough $$ to barely pay the rent. Back when it was a struggle for him to afford gas to see me.

How he ended up having to move, his roomate bailed, and he had 2 mos under the lease and no idea where he was going to live. And I didnt offer for him to stay with me. And he never asked.

In some ways, I see so many things, they are just coming to me, Big sister and I have talked about all that is going on with B, him getting a steady job for over a year now, health benefits, stock options, I helped him get going with the dr, but I did it once and hes kept it up on his own and is using his health provider now, hes gotten a complete physical done, and hes getting physical therapy and hes used counseling there, he did all of it himself.

As of Christmas his Mom and him had a break through, of coming to terms in a way with their relationship and past, she told him “I love you, your My Son” and info about his father and he was able to tell her about the abuse as a child by his relative.

B is growing up. No hes not there, but he is putting forth effort.

And the thing between us has been this,,, we are there for one another, but we dont DO for one another, we allow one another to learn our own lessons.

After being with my Ex Husband, theres certain things I just cant deal with…

And I guess I have to say I do have some great respect for B, how he hasnt asked to move in with me either.

We love one another, I dont doubt that..

But we also have limitations….

And if we tried to get all together, like under the same roof, marriage, etc, at this point in our lives, I see it being a trainwreck.

We arent ready to live together.

I guess Im finally realizing this for myself and letting that go,,, and understanding that isnt bad, granted I do want to see him more, but my kids need me right now more, and if B was in the home, things would be different.

And its not to say this is the end all for everyone, but with the type of people and the situation B and I are in. Its not the time for any of that.

I have 2 kids to raise, and trying to figure out future career plans.