No Guilt Sex

Dear Diary,

Morning. Back to another week of work.

My boss forwarded an email today where a customer said I was a “Joy” to work with. Always nice to hear feedback to put a smile on your face you know?

Well B left for work early this AM. Up and out the door around 5am.

Yesterday my girlfriend D called and asked if B was around and if he could help her. So I ended up driving him over to her boyfriends house(which is where shes staying right now) And I visited a little bit, then left him there for several hours. I went to the store then back home to be with the kids, the neighbors watched them while I ran him over. The kids were having so much fun yesterday, water gun fights and playing basketball. Even the neighbor girl came over! My boys used to play with her all the time, until the boy moved in next door. So its been kinda strange as the past year she hasnt played with them or even come out really. We invited her to a bday party but she never came. Shes a few years older, but she came out yesterday and their friends down the street, so there was a nice crowd of kids, and its so cool because both are my next door neighbors so the kids dont have to go far.

Was informed yesterday my kids have been using the word “asshole” Namely my oldest. So yesterday I had a talk with them. That its not okay to use that word, that I dont care what movies they watch with their Dad, that you dont go off repeating that language. Thats pretty much all they do at their Dads is watch movies, so they sat through SWAT and Dicky Roberts and some Eddie Murphy film. Usually PG-13 and R flicks. I just am watchful on my end. Im more of the mom who takes them to Disney flicks or kids movies, now and then Ive shown them other movies, or I prefer tv versions that have the nudity and language edited out.

Kids sat for dinner with B and I sat night and were telling me again how their Dad drinks beer. Telling me Dad has 2 every night. I asked them if he goes driving after, they said No.

So I mowed half the back lawn sunday and ran out of gas. I still have to finish that.

Im a busy body. I have a hard time just SITTING. Yes I can sit on a computer, but typically Im working, Im making money, when Im on it, at work or home. On the weekends my mind just spins over “What do I need to do next?” And I notice how B is more the type to just sit and watch tv all day in bed and be content.

I have a hard time doing that, I go for brief periods and join him but then get up again. I bought him some Pretzel Flips, he loves those and we had been looking in stores and not finding them in Walmart or Target, so when I was at the Craft store they had them! So when he got home from helping D with her computer I told him I had a surprise, we got In N Out burgers, then I took his hand and took him out back to sit and eat our chocolate covered pretzels.

He then went and fed my dog the leftover meat from night before. And we then swept the side walk way that was all gross along the house.

I had the house all open yesterday, went out and visited with the neighbor couple before the kids came in, she asked about B, how my trip was, asked if B was moving out to the area. I said “He told me he would, so we shall see?”

When I came in B had asked me what I was doing after Smallville was over. I was just folding laundry and he asked if we could read the book some more. So the kids had their baths and were ready for bed and B and I camped out and read another chapter of “Hollywood Animal” We are almost finished with it! I think we have 2 more chapters left, but they are LONG chapters. Took us an hour to read the one last night.

I then called my big sister to see how she was. She was better, and B talked to her some also. I just layed on his abdomen as he laid on his back and he had his fingers through my hair, which I love, I was practically falling asleep, then he handed me back the phone, when I was done he was practically gone also. So I snuggled up and he said good night.

I laid there a little, I was kinda sad. I dont know, I think overall hes been QUIET lately. And maybe thats not a bad thing, I dont know. Its just hes THERE, but we dont sit and TALK about us. And sex is good, but Im not all frisky like I used to be. I can get in the mood granted, but the start isnt the same.

I think what I want from him is more Assertiveness, and more attention. As in compliments.

I also got a little testy with him about the kids, his attitude again like they are a bother, granted Im their Mom and at times they can be annoying but I can tell them to knock it off, but its like he just repeats what I do, but then practically lectures.

OH! It was funny on the trip to TN we were discussing this, and it seems lately this trait of him is very clear to me. He will lecture. You will ask a simple question and he will give you some long ole answer second guessing the reason why the question is asked so answering it from several angles, or sometimes its just some lecture. And it gets annoying. I said to him “Its a yes or no question” and on the trip he was babbling like this and at one point he made fun of his friend J for doing it. I said “Oh you never do it?” And next thing you know we are driving somewhere and hes going on and on about his job and the wife made a comment saying “Oh and you are never long winded…” and everyone started to laugh, and he kept trying to say No, and explain how he wasnt and we laughed even more cause he just kept going. Im not sure if hes aware of this trait about himself yet.

Its just theres a point where a person wants an answer, not a speech.

Like girlfriend D asking about her computer, she just said “Is this computer a good one?” and he will go all tech talk on her and she has no clue what hes saying and he just keeps going, he does this with me, he does this with the kids, He speaks how he sees things but doesnt get he has to bring them down a level for those who dont get it.

Anyways, my sister was better last night. I guess he came home with the girls at 10am Sunday morning from the girlfriends. She said he was irritable, he cleaned and mopped the kitchen(which the cleaning stuff is what is rare with him, he never did this stuff) And she said he went and played Counterstrike for hours.

My sister said hes like a little boy right now. Also found out the girlfriend has 6! Yes 6 kids! 3 different fathers! Then he stayed there and brought his 2??? Thats 8 frickin kids!

B was saying to my sister that he is just nuts, if he thinks this woman isnt looking for help or a provider, or that with all the kids she has and divorces that she is a manipulator.

But hes just being stupid. He left the girls and went to the girlfriends last night my sister said, and she was glad. She told him she isnt leaving, that she wants to stay in the house, that he was content where he was when they dated, that she got his finances in order, that she house hunted, that she wanted the house, that she wanted to raise the girls, all those were her wants in life. He said she was correct. When they met he had a studio apartment and no kids with him.

So we shall see what the next installment is. My sister said she did have a bad night, that she feels like shes had enough slaps in the face, how much worse can it get she said? I dunno, I mean I hope she can get the house if she wants it, she said she can afford it with Alimony. But I knows its expensive on just her income.

When I was at D’s house yesterday, she is moving out the first of April. She said her boyfriend wants her to move in with him, she said it would be cheaper, they are engaged, and she did get the divorce final last week, just none of the issues are settled financially or with the kids.

She said she wont live together if they arent married. But then she has the garbage with her ex getting a restraining order for the bf being around the kids to deal with.

Anyways, she was talking about God, and sex, and about sin, and sleeping with her boyfriend and how it makes her feel so bad.

Yet she said how different it is now, sex is good, she desires it, she didnt in her marriage, shes like in her prime or something she says.

I think back to how I was when ex and I first split up. I felt guilt and bad over sex with B, I called off our sexual relationship several times. But I kept resuming it. I finally told myself to shut up and quit saying it. I let it go. And I feel better, I dont feel bad about sex, I havent for a long time.

Wild eh?

I have counseling today, its been awhile…

Well thats it for now.