Anger, B, Working thru stuff

Dear Diary,

Good Morning. Im feeling a little ancy at the moment. Still with stirred up feelings over Ex things. Some anger that keeps surfacing off and on within me.

I think I need to rephrase it, its frustration and digust. And then learning to move beyond that, accept this is how my ex has been. It doesnt means its RIGHT what he is doing or has done, but that I stop expecting him to be different. I am realizing more and more each day what a LIAR he is. But also that I truly have to start living my life and providing EVERYTHING for me and my children. Because well, their Dad cant be counted on, and to take each thing I do get from him as an extra in my eyes. Its the only way I can cope living this way. A support order means crap when a person just doesnt pay, quits a job, etc etc. Granted I will always seek to make him accountable for what is due. But I cannot live expecting and waiting on such things. He is unreliable, coniving, manipulative, and a LIAR.

I wrote to his work yesterday about some insurance claims sent to me for dental bills from last year when we were covered until his work dental plan, My dentist told me to fight these and not pay the bills since my ex paid the premiums during that time. So I emailed the company yesterday. I use to call them often early last year and I met the staff when I went back for New Years. I have no idea what he has told them about me. But I hope they are helpful and respond. I also asked them if my children have any dental coverage as my ex has stated but never given me a policy or group #.

So as I sat there I felt vengeful. I felt like writing the boss, yeah there would have been no benefit to me doing such a thing, but I felt like writing and telling the boss what my ex did prior to getting this job.

He stole tools from his last employer.( and the employer is aware)

The secretary rigged the books before she left also so my ex looked clear on what he owed the last employer. (employer is not aware of that)

Then when he applied for this job he gave the secretarys home number for references under his past employer instead of the company.

anyways….

Onto other parts of my life. I emailed B yesterday and asked for some clarity in the communication between us. Expressing my confusion, wanting some answers, trying to understand things.

I called him on my way to counseling and we got into a bit of a heated discussion. He was saying he wanted to go, I was hearing him stress NOT going, and he said I wasnt listening and I hated the way he was talking at me, so I said “B you can be such a dick sometimes you know! Just forget it, forget the whole trip. I dont want to go with you. Just nevermind drop it all”

I was frustrated. And I called him a “Dick” eeeks

He informs me he got the rooms free and could put them in my name.

Well as I was almost to counseling he says “Fuck it we are going to Vegas, it doesnt matter anymore, Im tired of this bitching back and forth, we are going”

I was a bit on the defensive, asking him if hes going just because I said something and does he really want to, and does he really mean this. His tone changed. He said he thinks it would be fun and he does want to go. I told him “Listen B, if money is an issue its ok, I just need to know because I will plan the trip with someone else to split costs, if you can afford it when the time comes and want to tag along, GREAT!” he said “And that would be ok with you?” I was all Yes?

He actually sat quiet for a minute, and right after that was when he said fuck it Im going with you.

He talked to me very sweetly at the end of the call, he asked if I was ok, he said he would like me to call him back after counseling. So I wiped my eyes and said I loved him and would call him later.

I addressed all of this in counseling. She gathered that B has some feeling that he cant win either way. He is afraid to say No to things for fear I will get upset, and afraid to say Yes for fear he wont be able to follow thru, so he remains in this middle ground and she said it wasnt about me but its probably something going back to his life, how he grew up, and we touched on that briefly.

We also talked about how I can better cope and manage this area between us. For one I need to say things like “Im going to be doing this at such and such date, would you like to accompany me?” and then plan according to the answer he gives, if he says he doesnt know or isnt sure, that I go ahead and make other arrangements and stop driving myself crazy accomodating him. She said if he can go later on to things and it will work then that is fine, and there maybe times where you ahve to tell him. Im sorry but I made other arrangements and I cant take you along. She said after awhile of me doing that it could make him realize this, but I have to stop planning and waiting on him.

On the other foot B is trying to please me and not being totally up front with things, trying to give answers afraid that he cant please me either way so sending unclear messages.

I have also noticed my whole wanting to flee emotions when conflicts arise. I develop this strong sense of wanting to break it off with every conflict. Words ringing through my head of “This is not ok, I will not tolerate this, no man will treat me this way” and feeling its over. I know from being in group people tend to go extremes, you come from being abused and a doormat, to being hyper vigilant about things, then you reach a place of things leveling out.

So I apologized to B for calling him a Dick, he said that was no big deal hes been called names all his life and that he agrees he can be one, and that being called a Dick is nothing. His own mother called him every name in the book, he said she would say Son of a Bitch and Bastard to him. And his responses to her “Why yes, I am the son of a BITCH” And “Yes its true I am a Bastard child so?” Very nice mother there.

B said yesterday on the phone when I apolgized and we talk for hours. He said “We are such an interesting couple arent we? Like the odd couple” I disagreed. Said yes we have differences but we both bring different traits to the relationship and I feel often times that offsets both partners and helps to even things out and contribute to one another. Im learning, I have faults, just as he does.

I told him I loved him. I told him he can be so warm and tender. Which he is and I asked “So where did that part come from?” He said “To be honest I have no idea” I cant imagine growing up as a child with rarely any geniune affection. He said the only time his Mom said I love you was when she was drunk. He thinks of his mom warmly during her drunk moments and him helping her in. Sad 🙁

I can never understand how a person does that to a child. Just starves them so much. No nurturing.

Anyways, B and I talked into the night till he went to bed. Things are better now. I have mom lined up for Vegas. YAY! So B and I will leave after I take the kids to school on a thursday morning and return Sat eve. I cant wait! And so Ill mangage the gas, he got us free hotel rooms. So we just have to figure our food money in and any play money. Gas will run me about $50 there and back.

Also I asked B if he wanted to join me at work saturday for the movie. He said Yes he would. I guess I still feel skeptical something will come up and he will cancel, but wait and see right?