He Slipping?

Dear Diary,

Morning.

Well, I want to see the movie Passion of Jesus. I talked to B about it awhile ago when the buzz about it was first coming out, he said hed see it but it didnt really appeal to him.

It does appeal to me, namely because of being a Christian, and also many years ago my girlfriend was at Christian College and gave me a copy of a Medical Examiners perspective on the death of christ and describing in detail what was done to christ, how it affected his body, in graphic blow by blow detail, which is what I am gathering to some extent is what makes the film out so gruesome as some have put it. But its reality.

I know Mel Gibson wanted it to be accurate, and not all hollywoodized and politically correct and all.

So I want to see it, but I just have a feeling, from reading others comments, about it making them cry, upsetting, people even wanting to throw up after seeing it, well I know myself, Im sure it will affect me also. A reminder of what Christ did for us. OUCH, how can that not hit me.

But I can just see myself emotional, and well I know Im assuming here, and I cant help it, but when I have been emotional with B about a movie, he got annoyed, and I dont really want to hear it, especially a film like this.

Ive been thinking about Cute Gym Guy, he is a Christian also, we spoke about CHrist and church when we were seeing one another. And I keep thinking of him, so last night I called him, asked him if he had any interest in the film, he said “Yes, But ive heard it has subtitles” oh shoot? Does it? He has a problem with reading, but he said he would still go, I said I could help him out, he said he is sure he could follow some of it.

He said “You thought of me?” I said “Yeah”

Not that I wont see it with B, I dont know, if I do, Ill have to talk to him up front before hand about it and not to give me any grief if Im emotional after it.

I just know myself, I havent been in church in sometime, so Its more about conviction and guilt hitting me also.

You know, its funny, but I think it would actually be cool to see it with my Ex Husband, heck knowing him hes already seen it. He loves this type of stuff ( even though hes a wacko)

B had not driven out in the middle of the week in 2 weeks now. He also is working overtime, and he came out sat afternoon last week. Before it was 2-3 times a week and the entire weekend he was here. But then also I had the freak out panic stuff go on and told him i was getting overwhelmed.

He had therapy the other day. I asked him how it went. He said good. He said “I fear Im slipping back into my old pattern, work, come home, sleep, repeat, its comfortable, Im back alone, isolating” He said the therapist asked him about social hobbies,,, B said “I dont care to” He said “I like my computer, video games, watching tv, working on my vehicle, all of my hobbies I enjoy are by myself”

And Ive noticed Ive been doing the same, that urge to do things with people and friends just isnt happening. WHY?

Its like Im MAKING myself go out sat with a girlfriend but part of me wants to back out, but I told myself I need to do this for ME. Not revolve my whole exsistance around the person Im in a relationship with.

I have just been home, work, kids, gym, working on ebay sales.

And Cute Gym Guy told me his work out buddy is a drummer, the band is playing at the local club Friday night, and that sounded interesting, I kinda wanna go and check it out, and Cute Gym GUy is going.

And here I have an email from B this AM saying… “Well it looks like mandatory overtime this weekend, so I dont know your plans, do you want to come out?” I havent gone and stayed at B’s in WEEKS??? Probably over a month? Wow, awhile! Hes been doing all the driving.

And its not that I dont want to see him, but I kinda wanna stay home, go to the club thing perhaps friday? Hang out at home sat, the kids are gone, go out that night with my girlfriend, and then just see B on Sunday?

It was nice to talk to Cute Gym Guy. He was sharing something, and its kinda hard to explain it here but something about the way his mind works, someone will say or do something and he said its almost like a film trailer flashes through his mind of what he thinks the other is thinking and he responds to that. I totally got what he was saying and said it right back. Hes all “You mean Im not the only person who thinks that way? You know nobody has ever understood that before, you understand? I thought I was just weird”

And he told me “Your Dangerous” and he said “Take that as a compliment”

He asked about the kids, my school, he asks me if Im taking my vitamins, he asked me if I got new front tires on my Jeep cause he worries about me driving, and on and on, its cute, a little annoying at times, Ive never known a person who is looking out for me and on me to take care of things, Im typically the person who does that. So it is awkward.

So I told him that next week perhaps we could see that movie since my kids are gone on a week night, and grab some dinner. He said “Oh are you asking me out?” I said “No, its not a date okay?”

He asked me “So hows your boyfriend?” I said he was good.

I hung up with him, I so badly didnt want to, but did and practically fell asleep upright on the couch with the lights on, I then got up and crawled into bed just before midnight and passed out.

So I keep thinking what B said to me, what is going on when Im feeling needy or panicy or longing elsewhere….

And I am thinking of Gym Guy past 2 weeks, well for one, because B is here less. I miss someone here a few nights during the week, that hasnt happened the past 2 weeks, and I know Cute Gym GUy could be there in a flash if I gave the go ahead.

So thats why Im drawn to him and miss him then, its the lonely times.

And perhaps Im in this thought of perhaps B will slip up? We got back together and now hes lax on what he said he would do?

Yet part of it is, its our time together, its kinda boring. But I guess if I take a good hard look at it, he doesnt throw much onto the table of stimulation.

No ideas of outings or stuff to do, he just shows up. I plan out food, meals, what we will do.

And since he doesnt have much else hes doing, when we communicate he doesnt bring much to the convo, me? HA! Well Im absorbing stuff daily, and I have stories to tell, and things to share Ive read, etc etc. Not that he doesnt mind when I do so, he says he loves it, but I want some in return also….

He and I do need to talk.

So one more day,,, and then my kids leave for a week.