Censoring Self

Dear Diary,

Its 12:13am, I so need to get to bed. I just got out of the bathtub so I will get sleepy faster since im relaxed now. I needed a bath though, felt all gross from the gym after work.

My Boss gave me a book to read today, a Memoir called Hollywood Animal. Estheraz? I believe is the guys name, pardon me if Im butchering it right now, but Im too tired to wander in the other room to look at the proper spelling.

The book is fascinating, I love it so far, its a big book, thick. And just taking my class and reading this book, I get more and more reminders of writing, about not censoring myself. Just letting things flow, not writing from an angle of “what will others think of me”? and just letting it flow.

Or I write something and then try to reason it. Instead of just putting it down for what it is…

Like?

I think almost daily about Kissing the Gym guys lips. About the passion, about how our lips fit so well together, how we had the similar erotic slow, kissing style, the teasing kissing. Ive never kissed a man like it, until him. I asked him once “How did you get to be such a good kisser?” and he said “Desire”

I got a voice mail from ex this eve, I didnt want to answer his call, what did he want? And he leaves some message saying he wants to talk to ME about Jeeps? I literally felt like puking with the thought of calling him to just TALK. Its nauseating, hes so fucking clueless, why is he on this Jeep kick now all the sudden? He has asked me if I want to sell mine, he has said he is getting one, he has told the kids hes getting one. And what do me and my Boyfriend drive? JEEPS. Jeeps have always been my thing, way before ex, I always wanted one. My ex would say “No you cant drive one of those, not a Wrangler, youll get men looking at you”

Well HA! It was the other way around, I found B, he had the Wrangler, and its what created our first interaction and memories of one another.

I used to call B, JEEP GUY. That was my nickname for him.

Even though B didnt interest me romanitically, his Jeep did, and that sealed us together from that point forward, who knew what the future would hold?

I was leaving the gym today, I drove along side Cute Gym Guy as I left, we waived. And I was just swimming in my head with thoughts and just has this appreciation for B. I called him to just tell him I loved him.

He ordered a new computer game that arrived today, so he was at home zoning out, me I worked on some online toy sales, scouring auction sites as usual, cleaned up some. Did laundry, helped little one with homework tonight.

I love B, I love that man dearly, I respect him a lot.

And yes I still having longing thoughts for gym guy.

Ahhh cant I just have them both? :)~

So my day ends with me emmersed in toys, cleaning them, strewn all over my house, my little one grinding his teeth in bed across the hall, ugh I hate that and I go in and tap him on the cheek to make him stop. The black rat is now alone as the other rat died, they were so cute all balled up at night with one another, snuggled up, grooming eachother.

My dog is alone out back too, I feel bad when I feed him and Im in a hurry and dont want to pet him because I have to then wash my hands due to my allergies. So I just talk to him all cute and say bye bye.

Yep, the rat, the dog, and me. We are all sleeping alone tonight, only I have someone, the pets dont, there parters died. They are no longer.

Me, I have a man, a man who says “I love you darlin” and makes a kiss noise on the phone when he says goodbye at night, the man who looks all tough on the outside, yeah he gets all cutesy talkish on me and makes kissy noises.

Appreciate it, dont beat myself over the head, just because I feel for gym guy in memories and some thoughts, they were just such beautiful things, they were special to me.

Just as B can fill up a book volumes larger of things I cherish with him….

Its just that tasty kiss thats been on my mind is all, cant help but write about it……

When we spoke last week, he sat in my vehicle in the parking lot,,, and I gave him a hug, and we were close to one another, I could feel his breath and for an instant wanted to just loose all, but instantly I thought of B. And how I could not do that to him.

I wrote B today from work and told him I wanted him back and to do some more…. YOU KNOW as I put it, I do love making love to that man. He is a great lover, we are so meant for one another body wise in that realm.

Okay Im sleepy, niteee