Anger at Exes

Dear Diary,

In response to Adored’s comment

” how many times do you have to say it to make it go away? haha i know it will go away and at least i am getting it out right?”

HAHA….

I wonder if it ever really does go away?

To be honest, mine has changed though. Im more upset now by what he is doing to the kids, and Im less upset at how he is with me if that makes sense?

But then again I give him very little room to mess with me, or I dont get so emotionally upset by it like I used to.

Im still amazed at what an idiot he can be. I still shake my head, I still wonder what I had in common or how I managed to spend so much of my life with that THING of a person.

I would have to say though, there was a turning point for me. It was when the counselor addressed that I was panicing over my ex. And she had me talk through it, that was a big step for me. Shortly there after I got so sick and tired of trying to settle out of court with my ex, hed postpone, not show up, request a meeting, show up, be a dick, then request another and say he was wanting to settle amicably, then not follow through, over and over and over again.

That last meeting at the attorney office. I was sitting there, my attny at the desk, the paralegal at the side, and me in a chair. Ex walked in, and my attny nailed him so bad verbally, and my ex proceeded to try and verbally assault me in the office. And all that my attny addressed to my ex was “So, your not paying child support? So you quit your job eh? Trying to get out of it?” and my ex mumbled and fumbled and stuttered. So in turn he deflected from the questions at hand, lied like his usual self then went to personally attack me. Thus, my attny said “Ummm Mr, Vicky is my client, I like her, you arent paying child support, You need to leave my office”

MAN THAT DAY WAS PRICELESS! For once someone told him a thing or two. For once my ex didnt win with intimidation lying and words, I have to say in court, my ex was a total fool, idiot.

But he still scared me, he still had control over me for so long even after we werent together.

I thought he would fool the outside world too, only thing was, HE DIDNT.

But I still broke into sobbing tears after he left the attny office, the paralegal looks at me and says “NICE GUY?” and I said “THAT IS WHY IM NOT WITH HIM” to the both of them.

My Ex delayed all the way up until the friday before trial. I was tired of negotiating and said “Lets go to trial Im not doing this back and forth anymore with him” and we were scheduled to go, and ex came in the day before and settled out of court.

Thats when things between us seemed to mellow. The legal fight was over, it was done, WHEW!

Its funny, I recall his one girlfriend calling me and saying she was on him about not paying me child support as she was in a similar situation but got her support. And its funny how she wanted this guy and was sympathizing with me?

Luckily that relationship ended, man what a weird ride this has been, My ex going out with I knew and who befriended me in the bank about our divorce and kids. She even said “How often does he see them? Is he paying you support?” That day in the bank, when I had no idea they were an item and I hugged her and we talked about church. Only to find out later she was involved with him, man that was a total stab in the back. I knew the woman, I knew the whole time ex and I dated and were married, I went to her home and all. We went to church together, She went through her divorce and her husband she said had an affair with her best friend.

She had 2 little ones also.

And then to hear that she and my ex together? My Ex did tell me after they broke up when we were talking once that she was extremely jealous. He basically had to look at the ground as she was paranoid constantly he was looking at other women. He said what a jealous nut case she was. HA, its so weird how he got to have a taste of what it was like being with himself.

She even told me that day on the phone she has a hard time trusting men period.

Anyways, Im just rambling now…

My point was the anger isnt gone, its perhaps changed, the reasons for being angry are different.

I have to get angry, because what he does is ugly and disgusting. I have to get angry and protect my kids with truth and educate them and provide a stable home.

I have to get angry and file papers and go after him for failing to abide by the court order for support.

Anger isnt such a bad thing as I have learned, its an awesome feeling that can propel you to take action, as long as your actions are productive and not destructive.

So my ways to deal with it? It makes me have honest talks with my kids, and it makes me go forward legally and to complete papers, etc.

I do want to add, My little one threw a major tantrum sat AM. So I sent him to his room where he threw one of his screaming fits again. I had to go to the kitchen end of the house, his door was shut as was the hallway door, I cannot handle hearing him, thats the part that gets to me. I wanted to just leave him alone. Let him scream and do what he needed to do, but my God, he went on for a good 30 minutes.

I went in when he was kicking on his dresser and told him to stop that. I asked him if this was helping. He said “NO” all angrily. And then told me how he wanted to go play with the neighbor kid, I said “And you think I will let you do that while you act this way?” And once again shut his door and left him.

I finally had him come out and eat something, he went to play with his brother for awhile and I walked in and told him “OUT” and he had to go back to his room, he proceeded to go to the couch, throw the pillows in the air and kick on the couch, I got up right in front of him and told him to stoppit and right back to his room where he went and cried some more. I went in there, sat on the floor and said “What is going on? WHat is wrong with you today?” He said “I dont know” angrily. And I just told him he was going to end up in his room all day if he keeps this up and is that what he wants?

I walked away, shut the door and left him again. I was dreading the day, but he finally came out calm and said “Mom, can I come out now?” Which if hes calm, SURE.

Hes got so much anger, hes very rebellious, and wow its draining but I have been having to get away and let him scream and throw his fits. Its all I can do, spanking, yelling and all that doesnt help. I took a few toys away also.

So wish me luck this week with him, last week wasnt as bad, but then turns out he argued last friday with his teacher and then Tues with the after school worker.

He just has this strong need to be right, and fight and argue his point, even if its a total obscene lie.