Want You, No I dont

Dear Diary,

Had to go and call B and clean up some things. Talked to him till he was passing out.

He went in after work today and got a new guage for his piercing. So he had some wine tonight as he said there was some discomfort. He said they did it there in the shop, new place hed never been too, and a woman did it, so he just had to whip it out for her. haha. Not like hes afraid anyways.

Yes he has a pierced ho ho dilly. :)~

Among other various piercings.

So he goes on to tell me all these stories tonight, his old roomies vehicle he just sold was involved in a criminal investigation and they showed up cops and all at the guys place.

Then his old girlfriend and ex roomate(who he lived with when we first started dating) Well she messaged him tonight and said his gym buddy friend harrassed her last night, and she was like “Whats his prob?” and then she said “He said I owe you money” and he reminded her that she screwed him out of her portion of the last months rent. $500 that he borrowed from gym buddy and has since paid him back, but figured to write her off. Well she apologized tonight and paypaled him $100! He was shocked.

So thats cool ya know?

He kept saying “I have the cooooollleeessstttt girlfriend” and being silly.

I saw Cute Gym Guy today right as I walked in, we waived. He told me had some vitamins he forgot to give me last week and hed bring them for me. I said thanks, and he waived on his way out the door.

Sighhhh.

I have been thinking of him again. Actually I dont think a day goes by that I dont to be honest. Fleeting thoughts. Memories.

How he insisted on opening doors for me whenever we were out and didnt want me to open them myself. I was so used to just taking care of me and all I just did it without thinking, so it took some effort to make sure not to do it when I was with him, and I have to say, in some ways it was nice ya know? How he and I sat on the couch with the kids all around us pressed close.

How he made my bed every morning, how he cooked for me, of course the nice memories are what I hold onto in these moments.

I was telling my Gym buddy friend about what has happened. How I still like the guy, but the guilt trip crap I have a hard time with. That Cute Gym Guy so had me until that night with the sex and demanding I sleep with him and show him I want him and all that mishap. And there are other things of course.

But Im still drawn to him. Im still connected to him. As I have said before, Other then my Ex Husband and B, he is the only other guy I really got involved with in my lifetime and gave some of my heart over too.
I think of when Cute Gym Guy was over and I was decorating the Christmas tree, he was helping with the lights, and I crawled down on the floor where he was on top of him with the christmas music, string of lights around him and we just kissed. Damn that guy sure could kiss!

But :::Sigh:::: My Buddy told me today “Victoria, if I lost you I wouldnt give up easy either, your a hard one to let go” Which was very sweet, and I said I dont fault the guy for trying, its the tactics of guilt I dont care for.

Well Wed is the big day, my first day of Screenwriting Class. So will see how I like it and see who my classmates are. I like going to college. :)Just hope the teacher is cool like the others Ive had in the past.

ahhh boy, will I ever get over this attraction stuff to people I know arent the best for me, and here Im trying to settle into something normal and it feels so scary and uncomfortable. Im having to expose myself, Open up, and I even gave B my house key friday night. For the first time ever I gave the man a key. Ive opened up my home. Its time for me to quit sectioning off my life and keeping my walls of protection up so high. B even said “Victoria, if you want the key back all you have to do is ask”

Well I guess Im going to crawl into bed. I feel strangely alone tonight, perhaps its because Ive had B beside me the past 4 nights, its like I look forward to my time alone and then here it is and I miss him. See Im so messed up still. Wanting what is not here. But then when I have wanting it at times to go away.