My Emotional Ride

Dear Diary,

Thank you for your comments. Alicorn I really appreciate your supportive and encouraging lately, you are a new reader I am really enjoying. Thank you, 🙂

So onto Paulette’s comment. Yes I have wondered the same thing, as far as the not being over my divorce yet. Over my Ex even. As far as the rebound thing goes, boyfriend and I discussed this often right at the start when we first got together. But both of us have put aside the Rebound word, it hasnt even been uttered since the middle of last year. But yes Im sure he senses a strangeness about me right now. I have been thinking to myself that I need to have a talk with him and let him know that I love him, but this month I may not be my usual self, that I may need moments to draw inward. I will be dealing with some new things and emotions with my divorce. He and I have always been very honest and open when it comes to things like this.

I really cannot pinpoint what is going on within me at the moment. Maybe its the fact that things are really happening? Such as…

1. My Ex has a relationship with someone in town that I know

2. Im having my very first court date this month

3. Boyfriend and I have been getting along pretty good, working thru a lot of things together and making progress at each step. Our time together is increasing. Hes been around my children.

I want more with boyfriend, but I also know that fear creeps in, I can feel it right now. Its like Im scared of how close he is to me? As much as I want him around, I welcome him returning home also. I personally cannot even fathom a man living with me at this point at all. I need my personal space, my safe haven, some control over how much people are around me. Thats a result of my marriage. The control and abuse, I cherish the peace I can have, not having to fight or answer to someone, not being told what I can and cant do.

But also the thing is despite my ex and I being apart, and going thru the divorce process, its been taking soooo long! And I guess the reality now that its GOING FORWARD is hitting me. And in some odd way when my ex is making a stink, acting crazy, upsetting me. Its so normal, and in a way I guess sickly makes me feel that he still loves me and wants me? When he is quiet and doesnt do much, then I am caught off guard since this isnt usually his nature. My mother keeps reminding me, hes on best behavior because he has to go to court. That is why hes leaving me alone right now.

Its amazing when you are in a abusive relationship with a person that the moment they stop or go quiet its as if you forget a lot of it, I have covered this in group. I guess you would call this a “honeymoon” period, not exactly the same as he and I being together and getting along, but the cycle works this way, there is a calm period, then a build up, then a blow, then the process repeats itself. The ex and I had a honeymoon period but that was back last year, and its exactly how I ended up trying again. We werent getting back together, we spoke as friends very civily, which in turn I agreed to meet with a pastor, who in turn told me to stop what I was doing with my lawyer. Well and then fast forward to Christmas and New Years, things didnt feel right inside. I was fearful, I was noticing his old patterns strike up and feeling the fear. And then the trip to visit him just did not go well, him cursing at me in the hotel and yelling at me in the shower. I had stopped seeing boyfriend, and we didnt see eachother for 3 mos. He was not happy I went to try again, but he let me go.

Boyfriend has never been one to demand things or put pressure on me. He is very indifferent in such situations. He said it hurt and he was not happy I went back, but he accepted it, it was my choice.

I will have to see how I fair from here on out. Yes if these feelings keep up within me, I may have to coolit with boyfriend and take a breather. Not that I dont love him, but I may need some time, time I dont want spent hurting or confusing him as I work thru the ending of the marriage, the hurt and the pain.

Boyfriend brought me leftovers from my fave dish at our fave restaraunt last night. 🙂 I have them to eat today for work, it was very sweet. We just laid together watching tv, as we laid there, the cieling fan was turning, we laid side by side on the feather mattress, and I rested my head right up against his neck. We didnt say much, we just got comfortable together and it felt nice. I like having him with me at night. I looked down at his feet, I thought how wonderful it is to have him beside me. I was so tired due to my up till 3:30 am the night before. We just held eachother, he watched a program on Susan Smith, he doesnt watch much tv or news, so he had never even heard the story of her drowning her children in the car. So of course he expressed his thoughts on it. He was annoyed at the end when Susans parents pleaded against her getting the death penalty. He often says “When is a parent actually gonna stand up and say “Yeah my son/daughter was fucked up and I always knew there was something wrong with them!” instead of “Oh not my baby, they were not in their right mind,,,,,” He said “I would hope that my mother would say “Kill him” if I did such a act. Then boyfriend looks at me and says “Im such a callous bastard arent I?”

I dont think its that, hes just very bluntly honest. He will say things that people are afraid to say and it doesnt bother him. He was telling me the other day on the phone something. We were discussing my homework for group. Its on Personas. What personas were we through our life, what are we now? Who do we wish to be? stuff like that. Boyfriend has pretty much stayed constant, his personas dont change a whole lot, unlike myself. I played the good daughter, the good girl, the good church girl, I wore many masks. But there was more to be underneath, I fit roles well and played them out like a “good” girl should.

I said “well do you have a persona with your mom?” he said “Ummm no I pretty tell her fuck you just like everyone else” I said “Ok well what about your Grandmother. He said “Well slightly yes, I think I just am more toned down around her. Shes my grandma, and I know she loves me.” Its the only family member he has that he can say anything good about. But he told me this, which I found cool, well I did anyways.

He said his grandmother loves him, but she gets on tangents of nagging him. And a few years ago he had enough of this, he said “Im an adult, Im glad she cares and all but I dont need to be yelled at and told what to do by her” So one day on the phone Grandma got on her nagging about what he should be doing with his life and getting all loud with him. He said “Listen Grandma, when you are ready to speak to me like an adult and not yell at me and just talk to me, then we can talk” He said the infuriated her more and she said “How dare you talk to me like that…” and he said she got very angry, and he said “Grandma, what did I tell you, call me when you can talk to me like an adult” and he hung up! lol

He said she called back again and said “What the fuck is this? What is wrong with you??” and continued her yelling. He repeated “Grandma? What did I tell you?” and he hung up again. He said he had to stop answering the phone, but he said from that point out, he hasnt had to deal with all this and their relationship has improved.

I told him how cool that was, he set up a boundary, and sometimes we have to do that with family.

I did feel strange this AM. I felt like crying again, boyfriend headed out, I was kinda glad to not be with him long. Not because I dont love him, but that I dont want him drawn into my emotional turmoil right now. I also spent more time with him this past week then I ever really have in the year and half we have been close to eachother. I think part of it is Im overwhelmed.

Ill be ok, just some weeks are tougher then others. This month will just be combo of many things.