Its Strange

Dear Diary,

Morning

I would have written more in my last entry but with B over I just decided to stop there.

Well I had a wonderful weekend.

B was here. He left around 4:30 am this morning to head home for the commute to work and all.

If he leaves after 5am he will hit traffic and it can take him another hour or so to get to work, but if he misses traffic it takes about an hour.

We slept in Sunday morning, and then B made breakfast, I love to be cooked for, and he made sausage and eggs, we bought this sausage at Trader Joes that was apple chardonay flavored(interesting eh?)

We then got ready and headed out of town, we planned to try hiking! We have never done that together but have talked about it, so we drove to Devils Punchbowl. It was nice as the drive wasnt too far out of town to travel. B had never been there and I hadnt been there in over 10 yrs myself.

The weather Sat got windy and a little cloudy but Sunday for our hike it was perfect! No wind, sun was shining, no clouds, and there were still some snow on the background mountains so it made it a little cool but just perfect.

I also brought the camera he bought me for Christmas and we snapped a few shots. Seeing as we havent hiked in forever we had no idea how well either of us would do. They had 3 different trails, we did the easy short one, then we did the one that took us about an hour, so next time we will take the long one that will take us a few hours, but this was more just to test ourselves out, we did fine, we could have done the big trail but we opted to do something else the rest of our day and come back again.

We did go off on our trail to the Creek and we hiked up the creek, since its not too big or deep, you can trail along it, walk through it on the rocks, its more challanging and all. It was nice, I miss the sun and warm weather and being out so bad, so this was a first in a long while. I warmed up and took off my sweathshirt and so my arms were able to get some sun and color.

We worked up a little bit of a sweat on the way back up, which was nice as I just skipped the gym all weekend.

We then drove up to Wrightwood, B had never been. So we were around the snowy mountains and kids sleding down hills. We then stopped in the little shops area and went into a few antique stores. I found a wrought iron heavy metal cross to hang on the wall there.

We were getting hungry by this time after the hike then the drive and all, so we turned around to head back. We stopped at Charlie Brows and had Chili Bread Bowls. Omgosh they were huge! I was so full and it made me feel so sleepy!

I picked up some Black Licorice and Salt Water Taffy also to take home.

We had about an hour till the kids were to get back so we went to my house and laid down watching tv just relaxing for a bit.

It was a nice day.

At one point during the hike we were near this ledge and he made some joke about falling and I said something about “Naw I dont want to loose you, besides I wouldnt get any life insurance”

It was a total joke, you know like married people knocking off the other for life insurance.

Well he says “Yes you would”
and Im all “Huh?” And hes all “I never told you this, but when I started working at the company a year ago I got Life Insurance and you are the beneficiary on it, My mom is fine and wouldnt need it, my sister doesnt need it, if anyone in my life could use it it would be you and your kids”

I was kinda WOA, hes all “Veronica, I know I havent done things in the best ways in the past, but I was thinking of you in my life”

We stopped and just kissed and hugged on the path.

We talked about how we need to do more hikes, make more of a habit of this and try new places to go and hike.

After the rest at my house we headed to Walmart as I needed a few things, Ex is supposed to return the kids at 6pm. But no call, it was after 6:30 and my mom phones me the minute he drops them off.

So we just headed to my moms, B and I. It was about 6:45pm. We got there and ex was in the driveway. B has not seen him in YEARS, probably about 5 yrs in person. So I had him wait in the Jeep, Ex didnt even know someone was with me as it was dark.

Ex was all rambling on about the oldest and the thing on his chin, he steamed it and popped it friday night, which I knew hed probably do, I couldnt deal with it, he called me friday night to tell me about 10pm, how the kiddo screamed “Dad your killing me” and all. My ex could handle him freaking out better then I could and hold him still to do it.

It was either that or the drs having to drain it and miss work and go in and pay and all that. So we will see how it does this week, his chin isnt all swollen anymore at least like it was and all mishaped.

Ex had told the little one hed take them rock climbing for his birthday, so I asked the kids if they went. Little one said “No, Dad said next time, he wanted to watch the Superbowl”

Aweeeeee 🙁

Ex did buy them some socks finally. I stopped buying them and packing them, the kids went with the pair they were wearing, and I had enough, Id pack all they had and theyd come home with NONE, youd think after 2 visits to their Dads hed have fixed that, but this time he finally did.

Well we just hung out last night, B helped me a little online and showed me some Photoshop things to use. I worked on some toy stuff I had to clean up, he went and camped out in my bed eating ice cream watching tv, I told him to just go relax, we are so not used to being around eachother this much, our time was alway so limited that I wanted to always make the most and be doing stuff or be with him, and we never had the normal day to day time together where each person is doing different things. He wants to be all considerate and helpful and I told him to just go relax. I crawled into bed next to him about 9pm.

We went to bed early last night. A little after 10 or so.

I have been dealing with Cute Gym Guy thoughts off and on. I hate having them.

They will just creep up on me at moments. I will be kissing B and then think of the way Cute Gym Guy kissed, how good it was, how his lips felt, how passionate it was, how we both kissed much the same and I enjoyed it, I said to Gym Guy once “How did you get to kiss so good?” He said “Its Desire”

I will be laying there in bed with B and start to think about eating over at Gym Guys Grandmas house the 2 times I went over, sitting around the table, with the old church gals and Gym Guy looking so nice and serving me and the ladies, holding my hand under the table, or the way we would stand there in the kitchen with his arm around me, it was a family feel moment, it was just nice.

Or how the first time I went over there he took me through his Grandmas backyard and showed me all the plants and fruit trees and the greenhouse.

I think of how he would massage me, so deeply and often, how i just want to feel his arms again.

What makes this all the more difficult is that I didnt stop feeling for him, I do have feelings, the best way I can describe it is I would probably still be seeing him if B had no done this turn around, yet on the other foot I dont see Gym Guy and I having what it takes to make it work, well I think I might still be dating him, but dating him would be a struggle. Reading so much of my book, I see Gym Guy as “What he can potentially be” instead of looking more at where he is at the moment.

I was driving into work today thinking of him then it dawned on me, Superbowl Day, when I was hiking with B he said “OH yeah today is the Superbowl” I looked at him thinking hed be bummed he was missing it and he said “Ummm oh well, like it matters” Hed hang out with guys and watch it, but hes not one of those die hard sports guys. Then I thought about Gym Guy, hed probably be at my house invading the livign room screaming and cheering.

I started to think about how nice it is to make love to B, and remind myself how Gym Guy had issues in that area, and how compatible B and I are.

I just had to replay through a lot of things, its as if I have to remind myself of the reality of Gym Guy, yet its still hard to let him go.

I dread yet want to go to the gym.

He came up to my friday as I tried to go in after hed leave but caught him as he was leaving, he said “Hoping to avoid seeing me?” hes not stupid. He then asked me if I had plans friday night. I said “Yes” And he said “Okay, have a nice weekend” and left.

Man this sucks, it sucks because its such a strange feeling, typically you want to get away from a person because you no longer like them or what have you. I havent stopped liking him or feeling attracted to him. Damn he looked gorgeous friday night and just looking into his eyes, damn it messed me up, I left them gym just wanting to drive over to his house, but I thought “What for? To make the situation worse and confuse the guy?”

I swear to God, if he just showed up and kissed me, I wouldnt say No,

Its like Im trying to stay away from something that I know wont work out in the long run I guess? But I stopped the situation before things got bad, so its just so strange.