Church Past

Dear Diary,

Im sooo sleepy! I just got home from my parents house. Sister and her family also headed back home.

Kids and I went to church this AM, both the kids got to wear their new shirts and ties and looked so handsome. I wasnt sure where we were going to go this AM for the Sunday morning service since its been awhile since Ive gone to a Sun morning service. I go on Sun eves now. So I decided to go to the same place I attend the Sun eve college age service. I have been here before a few mos last year, even tried taking my ex but he didnt like it ( he didnt like anywhere but the church that controlled our lives)

So I went by myself, it was PACKED! They seated me in the second row! haha I had to walk down the long aisle and get wedged between some people. The music was great, they also did some skits there were good also. Then the pastor gave the sermon on Christs Resurrection, shared this footage of asking random people on the street about Christ. Many people had said they believed in Christ, but not that he was God or rose from the dead, just that he was a good moral leader or so. The pastor had said “If I stood up here today, claimed to all of you I was God, you would think Im an idiot, lunactic, an imposter” But Christ proved this by raising from the dead. You dont believe someone is a good moral leader by saying you dont believe in all they claimed they did or were. That wouldnt make them a good leader if you are saying half of what they said was a lie. And he went over how much historical evidence there is documented for Christs death and resurrection by different accounts back in his Day.

It was a very good sermon. I was glad I went. I think Im in a different place then I was back last year. So it felt different being there today.

On the way out a musician who played the Saxaphone was standing there, I knew who he was. He was the father of a young man who had a crush on me back in my high school Baptist Youth Group. I watched him play and remembered his son J. I havent seen him in many years. A flood of memories washed over me. I was about 16 at the time. J was younger. He started to sit by me in church. He brought me a cute little gift, some pretty stone he picked up at a musuem. It was very innocent cute church crush stuff. But shortly thereafter he started to avoid me. I found out because at the time Im not even sure I was a christian. And I think his parents discouraged it. But I often saw him throughtout the years. We would talk now and then when he worked at a fast food drive thru and Id see him in the window. His sister is my age and a real sweetie and she married another youth group fella. Who is now a local cop in town.

So I said hello to Js father and inquired about him. He said that he is in fact living here in town, working for the Juvenille Detention facility and working here with his father. I asked him to tell him hello and gave him my maiden name. Maybe I will run into him soon? I wonder if he ever married?

I then headed down the hall to get the kids, and in front of me another man I recognized! I said his name and he turned around and greeted me in shock. We hugged and walked to get our kids together. He was from my old church also where all the abuse occurred. My Ex and I attended a couples bible study in their home when the marriage probs first came out in the church between us. T and his wife were wonderful people. He then took me to find his wife who just came an held me soooo tight. She is from Afghanistan, and such a beautiful woman. She held me tight and she almost has an italian type look and attitude about her. She asked where my husband was. I shared we are getting divorced. She made the sad face, but she asked how i was doing and was shocked to hear he was out of state. She just said “He needs to be near his children” and then we swapped phone numbers. They have been going to this new church for a year now. So they left the old place also.

Its so strange seeing old faces from my former life. Where I was known as “His Wife” and didnt have my own identity. One thing that totally stands out about being around this couple back in the day was one eve we were having a bible study at their kitchen table. Just 3 couples, and T and his wife L, L was divorced and remarried, the other couple was young and had been thru extra marital affairs, just as my Ex and I had. So we all had open hearts trying to make our marriages in order. The phone rang during the bible study, T went to get it and said it was another man from church, he was upset and to pray for him. Everyone there seemed to know why, I was puzzled and said “Why, whats going on?” My ex said “OH his wife pulled a Victoria”

It shut me up so fast and humiliated me. The mans wife went off with another man who called. Yes this happened in my marriage, but for him to say it like that in a group. It hurt me. Back then I didnt realize the hell I lived in and took all the blame, when all I wanted was to escape and I tried many means to do so. Back then I didnt have the strength to leave on my own, and I tried finding another man to get me out. I confessed, went before pastors, the whole nine yards. I was the bad wife with all the problems, but nobody took into account that my husband was a lie in church, and a different man at home with his wife. And I felt I was the one going crazy.

Im glad Im out, but yes there are times Im sad. My Ex can play the Christian man so well in the setting, but I know whats in his heart, and it isnt Godly. 🙁