Insecurities and Family

Dear Diary,

Night before Easter. Im waiting for the little ones to pass out to put their Easter goodies out for them.

I had a nice Saturday. The weather was sooo BEAUTIFUL! Its the warmest day so far! I had all the windows and doors open all day, worked outside, cleaned house, lounged around, kids rode their bikes and played out in the backyard. Oh I love warm sunny weather! I pulled weeds, mainly foxtails from the backyard and raked up some areas, sprayed down the back patio.

Then we headed over to my parents house. My sister, her hubby and 2 children were there, so the kids immediatly took off to play with their cousins. Grandma has accumulated a collection of tricycles, bigwheels and now a scooter from thrift stores for all the Grandkids to ride. And they have a HUGE driveway with a lot of space to ride, so the kids just played outside for hours. This is what I miss about the neighborhood we live in. Its not a bad neighborhood, but there arent many children, and its not in the nicer part of town. When I was a kid there were so many families where I grew up and I always had friends to play with all the time and run around the block with. I want that for my children. I know it will probably be around 3 years in the LEAST till I can maybe consider moving. But that depends on how my job is going come that time and how much Im making.

So my sister sat down and went thru my taxes with me, we also discussed the following year. Since Im in the lower income bracket, I qualify for the earned income credit, well you can also recieve part of your earned income credit throughout the year! So she explained to me how it works and printed out a form from the IRS for me to take to my employer. She advised me to stay in my current income status until the divorce is final and things have settled down in my life, that trying to pursue self employment ventures will not really benefit me tax wise right now, plus all the work and effort I put into it then will have to pay out in the end, just broke it all down and showed me how it wont benefit me. So it was nice to have her walk me through it all and have some idea of what to do for this year. Its nice having an accountant CPA in your family, especially going thru a divorce. Ive learned all of these things I wasnt aware of.

We all were stuffed after dinner and dessert, the kids ran outside to play, mom, sis and I layed around as my sister picked out curtains for her new house add on. My Mom has oodles of curtains, so I even picked out some for my house. She is ready to part with them all since she is selling the furnished apartment they own.

We all laid around and talked. My Mom is a member of the Daughters of the American Revolution and next week they are having a Fashion Show, with clothing from different time periods, I find that interesting and asked her if I could go. She said yes, she also showed me some dresses she found at the thrift stores, since she is the MC, she found one and I thought it was so cool, almost reminded me of something from little house on the prairie Nellie would have worn!

Mom said I can join the group also, you basically have to trace your genealogy back and all this stuff to join and submit it, but my Mom has already done all the work, so all they need is my name and birth certificate. So Im thinking maybe I will join! It will be a neat thing for mom and I to do. So the fashion show is next weekend, I just have to track down a babysitter since Mom always does this for me.

We stayed till almost 8:30, I drove down the street to visit my girlfriend out from Co and her son. So I stayed for about an hour, we sat on the floor, my kids were really into the books their Auntie bought for them, and so all the kids just sat on the floor so well behaved and read together. Me and my girlfriend just giggled watching the kids, talked about hair dressers, and all sorts of random female silly things. She asked me to come over tommorow afternoon. Since she said her parents and son will pass out for a nap after lunch and she will be bored, and Ill be down the street. So I told her Id come over or something.

As I drove home tonight from her house, noticing the cars on my street, families out for the holidays visiting. How my house is so empty, how their arent many visitors. I started to reflect on boyfriend and his isolation from his family, how the relationship is with his mother. Wondering will he embrace the family thing? Is he so scared he will end up staying home while I go to family events? I value my family more and more as I get older, and not really until the past 2 years have I really started to appreciate our time together and want to be around them more.

Granted boyfriends family situation is far from mine. So I understand, yet at same time will it be a hangup he cant work thru? Im worrying a bit much, but I guess I can tell quite a bit about him already. He still hasnt expressed much desire in meeting my family or children, he also said he was very uncomfortable at my work party. Which ok, I can relate, I guess I hope its not the kind of fear that he starts to just stay away from things.

I used to be that way in the past. I didnt like being in places that were out of my comfort zone, I didnt enjoy family events with my ex, Mainly because he went and did his own thing and I was left alone with the kids, I never felt like a husband/wife team. I felt like his childrens babysitter and mother, not a wife. And so I started to dread going, and wanted to stay home often rather than go. Then once I started counseling and changing, I didnt mind the family events. I was starting to be comfortable on my own, and started to just go and mingle with family members and just forget ever having my ex around. I had to get used to this, and enjoy myself. Yes I do feel its sad that my ex ignored me at family functions, but one cant let that cause them to feel down. I had to make the most of where I was at in life.

Im getting over a lot of personal insecurities and fears I once held too, Life is too short to let so many silly fears hold you back from living life!