Help or Hindrance?

Dear Diary,

Morning.

Went to the gym yesterday, saw him. We did not speak or smile at one another. It sucked.

I worked out with Gym buddy and his work partner and his girlfriend, so that part was good as I had people to be with and not work out alone.

Yes part of me still longs to talk to him, I cant help it, I feel for the guy in so many ways. Its just hard when you have crossed the intimacy line to carry it on in a friendship way. Maybe one day we will? Maybe some time has to pass? I dont know. I know myself and I know him, and I know we both still long to see one another. Its just what we both want differs. I more want to help him, he more wants to be with me.

So I left a little early and wanted to go to Trader Joes. We finally have one, i just hate driving to where its at. Its not near my house. So I got over there and picked up some things, and then went to this store next to it, it sold shoes, and well,,,, Ive been spending money I DONT have lately. Another bad side effect of stress. I just want to shop shop shop. Its like I do it without really even thinking. And yesterday it hit me as I left the shoe store. I didnt spend an outrageous amount, but I didnt really fall in love with the shoes either. I cant explain it,,, I just did it, then felt bad as I was leaving.

I got my cell phone bill yesterday, I knew it would be bad since this past month and calls during off peak time to Gym Guy and Ex BF and all I was dealing with, well I got my largest ever cell bill, $238! EEEEEEEEEKS!

Ive never had one that high ever! So thats gonna hurt. Sigh.. plus my new couch I ordered. Thankfully I have 3 mos to pay on that being on layaway. I know Ill get it done, its just Im making things worse lately with the frivolous spending.

I really gotta avoid the stores!

And Im going to tack more on today with the manicure, and tomm with the hair appt.

So I got home, kids and dinner, homework time as usual. I was sitting there, my mind was reeling, how easy it would be to call gym guy and say “Hey come over” how I just think of him and want him there. And its easy to have him there, hes close, he can be over in 15 min. Thats a wonderful thing I never really had all these years.

But I kept saying to myself “Is it because he can be here fast Vicky? Is it because you are needy NOW and want what you can have NOW, to make you feel better?” And so I didnt do it.

And I keep thinking how Ex BF now wants to be there in that capacity and so last night online I told him I could use some snuggling. And well, that was 8pm and he was out the door on his way, and hours drive to see me.

I was in a better mood last night, better then I had been in sometime.

We watched tv, and the minute hes there, I just want to go to sleep, Its so nice to be held, I feel bad as hes driven an hour and 30 min later Im ready for bed, but he tells me its okay, to go to sleep, I need it, that hes right behind me.

We woke up around 4am, just before the clock was to go off to wake him… and we laid there, talked a little, we kissed, and snuggled and touched eachother so slowly. It was nice. We then made love.

And I hate this,, I will be laying there thinking of gym guy????????

Ugh, the fact that you do take a piece of people with you is so frickin true! And its like I have to remind myself how Gym guy and I never made love. We never did. Not my idea of making love. We had sex a few times when he COULD do it, and they were mainly him doing his deal to me the way he wanted it, no involvement or concern for me during it. I was more a tool or an object.

Bleh, I guess its just the kissing between gym guy and I, the way he was more assertive and the ways he touched me, and the way he looked, those were the positive aspects of the sexual involvement with him.

I think its all his words, Gym guy would say compliments to me like crazy, how beautiful I was, how soft my skin was, how milky white and beautiful my skin was, and on and on, he was like this a lot to me. He made me feel in some regards very important, yeah he fed the ego. Hed say “Wow, where did you learn to do that?” often and be impressed with my displays of affection, or my massages, or the way Id just do normal things. Hes been so sheltered, he was so impressed and in many ways, there is some joy that is gained when you show a person something new you know? Its like I still dream of taking him places. He rarely leaves the area, Im the little touristy person, he doesnt ever go to restaraunts really, mainly because hed end up going alone.

So yeah part of me just wants to reach out and show him the world. I love see the wonderment in his eyes.

But see its more along the lines of wanting to HELP him and not BE WITH Him as a partner.

This is a hard part I deal with within myself. So I know there is Codependency.

And then there is nurturing, and Im that person who has read so many stories of people in life, who have been abused, felt alone and how those people who reach out, who help, how there arent many who do, but someone extends a hand.

Its like Ex BF and his high school teacher. I first found it odd they were so close, the bond he felt with her, I was almost jealous over it, until I met her, and now understand it all and have talked to her. Yet everyone else avoided him as a kid, wrote him off as hopeless or didnt bother to care.

I think many of us have people or have been through similar things in life.

Gym guy had mentioned going to a swap meet, one that is nearby, and I so wish I could just call him up night prior, say “Lets go early next AM” and go! Have fun, browse, then grab some breakfast on way back, and say good bye. But have some time to talk, enjoy company, but the talking is what he needs, he lacks socialization hes been isolated, and honestly , he needs help, he doesnt know a lot of things. And I know thats part of his draw to me, I let him in, I didnt make fun of him, I didnt cut him down or think less when he told me about himself. And that takes a lot of courage.

Anyways,,,,

Ex BF went on his way, Im going out to his place this weekend, he wants to take me to the Cheesecake Factory. Ive never been.

Just not sure if Im leaving Fri or Sat to go to his place. Part of me I guess in some way hopes to see Gym guy. I dreamed of taking him to this restaraunt out of town….