Love Starved Nite

Dear Diary,


Just been thinking at times, what do I want in a man? A partner? If I were to marry again?

1. He be financially mature and responsible. Employed, strong work ethic, good money manager.

2. Love children. Be good with kids and loving.

3. Be non judgemental, open minded

4. Romantic, edgy, loving, encouraging, nurturing

5. Be respectful of others, kind hearted


I keep thinking about what my girlfriend said. About Lisa Beemer and how she had certain things she wanted in a husband and she waited and got what she was looking for.


I think what tripped me off tonight was talking to B on the phone. I said “I miss you so you will be here tomorrow nite?” He said “Well yeah but your friend is coming, and I dont think I want to deal with kids” There will be 6 kids here counting mine when she arrives. Which Im appreciative of him being honest. But whenever I hear stuff like that I think to myself “Ah so we havent seen eachother in 2 weeks, so if I have a friend over with kids, what if we were married down the road? Living together? Would you be griping I have friends over? More kids? Would you be moody and wanting to isolate and Id be on edge?”


It makes me sad. I told him they arent staying the night just visiting for a bit, he can come later, I know she wont stay late with the kids cause when you have little ones you gotta get them to sleep and all.


Im still obsessive in thought about the ex stuff. Im embarrased to admit how much so. Its not a good thing I know. I will see my counselor tomorrow, may be my last session with her. 🙁


Im lonely, terribly so. I want a partner. I want an available one.


I guess I feel like if I dont have B, then Im TOTALLY alone. I mean Im alone as it is in this thing with B. But I know hes there?


Im not ready to let him go, I just say a lot of things outloud.


I get more emotional in the eves. The house is quiet.


Im so starved for a warm body to sleep next to and cuddle with, Im starved for someone to smile at at the end of my day who loves, Im starved for kindness, encouragement,


I know I know, be happy within yourself.


Myself wants to be loved like I deserve and have it from a partner.

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