Stress & PRESSURE!

Dear Diary,

Ive got a lot of up and down feelings right now. Im not sure what they all mean, but my body is reacting in ways, so Im listening to it, and just going with how it feels.

B has wanted to do something on our Anniv date of when we first started to see one another, I have no problem with that. I just told him to make the plans (since I was the planner in the past) Hes been all hardcore looking up cool stuff that Ive never dreamed hed think up.

So it will only be a 1 night deal, I just have a hard time with committing my time lately, I panic, I want an out, I dont want to commit, or I want it short.

So he finds this place, a gothic church thats been remodeled to a bed and breakfast I wanted to go to the first year we dated but he didnt seem interested in. He calls, finds the Cool room, with balcony, jacuzzi, asian themed, room is free. And Im all okay.

And then Im at work, and I get scared, and I feel like I could puke?

Then Im scared Im committed to this, what if I dont want to go next weekend, what if something happens, what if my mood is shot? All these panics and whats ifs?

When I know very well how B is, heck if I just wanted to go and snuggle and cry in the room with him hed say okay and hold me.

Hes not gonna pressure me otherwise.

I reacted really strongly to him yesterday asking something and I started to cry and told him I couldnt talk anymore. I havent done that in a long time and he was all “Okay, I love you”

I wrote him an email and we talked a little later…..

I think that whole night with Cute Gym Guy, where he told me wanted to have sex with me, didnt care if I didnt want to, told me to show him I want him by having sex, telling me to take my pants off, all that crap…. well it flashed me right back to the feelings I had years back when i was with a guy during my marriage, a guy I dated briefly before I married my ex.

I was at his house we met up at a grocery store years later, and I was naive and trusting, we were both married and he invited me over to talk and hang out.

Well Idiot guy took it as an opportunity to come on to me when I was crying sharing some of my heartache in married life….. (Gym Dude told me this when I was crying also and sharing some things on my heart)

Idiot guy didnt care that I didnt want to, every excuse I gave to not have sex he shot down. I feared I was gonna be raped.

And this is the same feelings that surfaced with Cute Gym Guy.

I was crying so hard the minute he left my house, gym guy that is,,, and I called B almost hysterical. He said “Vicky, I thought he had raped you, I was about to grab my gun and come out there”

He was still worried about me though, he said it took me awhile to calm down.

And so I think since then Im so sensitive, I feel like I have to be in control of things, when, how, where, I see someone, ON MY TERMS. I cant handle planning, being asked, etc. Its like “Hey, I know you want to see me, Ill let you know when Im cool with it okay?”

And I go into the gym yesterday angry and upset at gym dude, yet I end the eve, holding his hand walking through a thrift store/????

He just called me, asking if I wanted to do something for his bday, I said I had the kids, he said “Chucki E Cheese and a Movie?” Im all “That would be madhouse, and besides its your bday, not theres” And hes all “Well my ideal would be to spend it just with you” I said “Im not up for chuckie cheese, that would be a mad house, I need something low key, Im not feeling well” he said “Ok Ill talk to you at the gym”

I just want to sit home and veg out to be honest.

And well its his bday and I just gather he wants to do something fun or special or feel special. I know Im that way on my bday, and right now I just dont have much to give, Im in need right now.

I cant deal with others wants and requests right now….

B is coming out Sat, Im looking forward to that, thats was planned out, I picked the day. And I told him what I want to do, and I want it light, have fun, not all serious. I want to go to furniture stores, and hes offered to help me get chores around the house done.

And I have these nagging fears of Cute Gym Guy driving by and seeing his car and freaking out?

Aahhhh,

And it was just so nice to have B there last night, I made love to him this AM and it was like I wanted him to leave at 5am. He said he could go in late, hed rather stay longer with me, and I wanted him to,,, namely because of my kids, and men in and out,,, and instead I let him stay….

and,,,,

:::Deep breath:::