Am I Nuts?

Dear Diary,

Ever feel like you have no clue what you are doing?

Yep! Thats me.

Since Friday I started to feel better physically/emotionally. More normal and not so tired and all that.

Had a nice weekend. Saw Gym Guy, Saw B.

I went furniture shopping Sunday and found a couch, its a 2 piece sectional with a Chaise Lounge. The huge sectionals were like $2000. Couldnt justify spending that much.

So I found this, Ill just keep my sofa I have now in the room along with this one, I brought in a cushion to match up a color and all.

Granted! I wont have this couch for about 2-3 mos still! Its being ordered and all which takes 6-8 weeks. And I have it on layaway so that gives me 90 days to pay it off. But no credit card interest and all that! YAY, just cant believe I picked up a piece of furniture for the price it was, eeeks.

I saw Gym Guy friday night, hung out, ate dinner and all and sent him home. B came out Sat, stayed the night. And I just wasnt wanting to be all kissy affectionate and all. I didnt mind him around, but I just didnt want the intimate types of affection, I knew he wanted to sleep with me, so I finally just told him I wasnt in that place, and he cooled it.

He had to leave Sunday to go work part time so he was gone around 11:30am. So I just worked on some online stuff, and the furniture shopping. Gym guy called while I was shopping, asked what I was up too, said hed like to spend the afternoon with me. I said Id give him a call when I was done shopping. I didnt, and my shopping trip went longer since I found a couch to order and went home to get a cushion and all.

When I got home I thought of calling him, but didnt, I didnt know what to do. I mean what would he and I do if we hung out that is? My little one got in trouble again so I had him in his room so didnt want to go out cause he was in trouble.

Oldest was playing next door, and I made dinner. Gym Guy called again, and I said I was just gonna be eating dinner and watching tv. I wanted to watch Surreal Life and Moulin Rouge, so said if he was up for it he could join me.

So he came over.

I didnt have enough food to feed him dinner so didnt invite him for that part.

So the plan was to have him out before 11pm. My phone rang twice during the time, it was B. I didnt answer.

And it was about time for gym guy to go, and he said he wanted to kiss me. And well….

Dammit,

I did, and it was good. He is a good kisser.

Sighhh

He was at my house till 1am, I was debating letting him stay but thankfully Im glad I had him go home. Just cant deal with all that. And I didnt want him there in the AM when the kids awoke and all either.

I talked to him, we talked about what happened. He said he wont show up unexpected, the jealous crap hes sorry about and wont pull that, I told him Im not ready for a commited relationship, and he said he just wants to be intimate with me, he wants to go out and spend time with me, swap meets, yard sales, the stuff we both like doing.

Yes the intimate is nice, he kissed me and touched me in his wonderful ways. You know its not that hes not a good person as far as sexual nature goes. He just has problems with getting erect. And he tends to go overboard, too much oral, manual stimulation, hes good, he just has to be told when enough is enough.

And we laughed, and talked, he told me how badly he missed me and dreamed of me.

He said to me “Im a mess” and we just broke out laughing, ughhh, arent I a weirdo or what????

He said that I woke him up. He stayed in his room at home all these years, and now he doesnt want that anymore. Hes been out with his work out buddy lately also. Hung out sat, the guys brought him gifts to the gym on his bday, hes been over to the one dudes house for dinner a few times. And yes, its cool, he reminds me of the old me in many ways. How I was longing to make friends and felt alone, except Gym Guy has felt this way his whole life. Thats why he said Jail was the first time he felt cared about, like he had friends, a type of family. Sad huh?

So he was telling me how he loves being around me, how Im beautiful, Smart, and Zaney. LOL Yeah we do laugh, yeah I say silly things and am playful with him.

He goes overboard on the compliments though, I mean its nice, but eesh enough already! And me I give him SOME, but he knows hes good looking and I just tease him about his vanity all the time.

He feels so good, he smells so nice, his physical features just suck me in. His eyes, his facial hair, his smile, the way he looks at me.

It felt nice, like what happened a few weeks ago was mended, we came to this better. But no, no sex, just couldnt as, well you know, he wasnt there.

I was up late, I got online and talked to Music dude, hes dating 2 women also, sorta in a similar situation.

And hes all “Vicky, B is doing well, hes getting his act together, he is a good guy. I think you have to let go of your resentment that you held towards him the past 2-3 yrs when you dated, and he didnt come through, the constant anger, hurt upset. You havent let it go yet, thats probably whats stopping you from being able to allow him back into your heart”

I feel like I sound so screwed up. Im not saying I want B back in all his old ways. Its just thats he too frickin nice and accomodating and we get no space, we talk more now then we did when we were together, we share more, and if I dont answer his call I feel weird and bad, and then he asks me why I didnt, how Ive just become so THERE, in many ways I feel its his way of keeping me from having time to date and meet others, and he and I talked about this, he said yes that is partially true.

Yet hes my best friend and I want to call him often too.

Sigh,,, I just see at all the changes hes made, and the logical thing is to hang in there and try to make a go with him.

He even helped me sat night when my youngest through a angry tantrum. He went in and spoke to the little one and he was calmed down rest of eve. I appreciated it, I was on meltdown and my kiddo wont listen to me, but another person, he was embarrased about his behavior in front of them. And well it was just nice you know?

B is being wonderful. I cant even describe. ANd I feel like Im some slut or whatever at times juggling 2 men.

Its like Hey Im single its okay! Yet it isnt? Does that make sense?

I have a free weekend coming up. Its the anniv date of when B and I first hooked up 3 yrs ago and fell for eachother. And Im getting my hair done friday and told gym guy we could do something friday night.

Am I nuts?