Nervousness & Insecurity

Dear Diary,

Wow,

Deep breath………

:::::::Breath out:::::::::

Im doing something and its different. And Im nervous. Not in a bad way but its just different. Im not used to this.

B had asked me if I wanted to do anything for New Years Eve. He asked me about a Christian Night at Knotts Berry Farm and I said “I have the kids” Hes all “I know I met all of you” Im all “OH” but the thought of a super crowded amusement park and my kids up till midnight when they can hardly stay up that late didnt sound like my cup of tea.

He said hed come out also. I wasnt to sure about that idea cause all it meant is him and I hanging out alone in an intimate setting since my kids would pass out anyways.

So I was thinking today how I probably wont see him. And he sends me an email.

And I accepted the offer.

Im a bit impressed I must add.

We are going to spend New years at the Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach for a “Family Overnight Sleepover” that is geared for things with children, dinner and breakfast also. I have only been to this aquarium once when the kids were tiny with my Ex husband.

But I guess they will have tours and all sorts of things to do, and here B is asking to go hang out with children?????????

DO you know how foreign this is?

I called him up and said “Do you realize what your getting yourself into? SERIOUSLY?” And hes all “Yeah I think it would be a blast!” We will have to bring sleeping bags and all.

How weird! But sounds like a good safe fun idea. It also wont be he and I alone but around lots of people ( lol I wonder how Im gonna like the idea and where we will be sleeping and camping out for the night and a bunch of noisy kids. Ahhh yes.

Okay Okay so its done, he said “If you want to go you cant back out okay?This isnt cheap” and hes picking up the tab.

So it looks like we are going.

Ok so what else…..

Yesterday Gym guy and I spoke, He said he wasnt okay with me dating others, and I said that was fine and he said he could be my friend. I said Okay.

Well he called me about 3 times yesterday, first about the Dr Appt, I said I wasnt going, then he called to wish me well at the dentist, then he called me after the gym and said “I hate myself, I should just dump you”

???

LOL Dump?

Anyways, he said hes going against everything he knows. I said “Look you have to do what works for you, I just told you where I am and all of that and that B will be in my life” He keeps telling me thats not the problem and he understands that. He just didnt like that I wasnt telling him more about him, (anyways!)

So I will be telling him later on that kids and I are going with him, sure that will go over well. But hey its the truth and what he wants to hear.

So I was sorta like “So whats up? Why do you keep calling me?” Hes all “I dont know, its just been so long since Ive been out with a woman…”

He told me how he still wanted to show me some things. He got some stuff from his Mom, some pottery she made he brought back and wanted to show me. So he came over and showed me it all, hes proud ya know?

Its his Mom.

He sat on the couch, he had the puppy dog face. I just kinda played it cool. He said he didnt really want to talk about what had been said, that he just wanted to enjoy my presence.

He said “Your just being who you are”

He came into the kitchen later and put his arms around me, it felt so nice as I was getting some snacks for the kids, later he kissed the back of my ear, :::Sigh::::

Well to fast forward, he spent the night, It was so nice to see him, to hold him, to feel him, to look at him.

The topic of sex though and all came up. Last night and I was up with him at 5:30am he just cant perform, he can start to have sex, but then looses it, and he gets frustrated about it, and then I just feel bad for him adn wonder why hes torturing himself and why he keeps trying. Im sensitive about it and not upset at him.

I went and read some info on the net yesterday about erectile dysfunction and it basically stated that it maybe phsycological reasons and not physical if that man can have one during the night in his sleep or wakes up hard. And that is him.

He can get aroused but he looses it very quickly.

And a lot of the reasons it said were Depression, Insecurity, and fear of failure if its happened in the past a man can start to worry about it every time. And it also said it often starts when a man is around 40. Which is totally all him, all the reasons listed, and basically he can use viagra and various other things but he also could use therapy.

So we discussed that this AM, and hes all “Im not going to some shrink to hear I have a problem when I know I already do” and I was explaining to him counseling doesnt work that way.

Hes just adverse to it, which saddened me of course, so all I could say is “Well, its your choice, you either accept things are this way, or you can do something about it, but seriously how is your way of handling it going so far?” and hes all “Thats why i dont date” He talked about how hes scared when his Grandma dies that he will have nobody to help him. She basically helps him financially and with paperwork, hes so insecure about not having that, and hes insecure he doesnt have a l ot of money, decent job, and that hes on disability.

And what can I really say you know? This is his deal.

I laid there and was just holding him as he spoke, but hes very wounded. VERY.

And that part of me just wants to help him, but the other part knows the best way to help is NOT to do for another person, just give them some tools or information, and the rest is really up to the person.

And I just see how far he has to go.

And really how well can this go in the long run?

I care very deeply for him and I cant help but admit I feel like I want to help him to a degree, that hes never had a lot of things in life and want to share things with him. Even if we werent dating anymore Id still care for him and want to lend a hand in whatever way I could.

Is that bad?

He said to me last night “Your poison, you make me weak”

Because hes lived his life in this closed off regimen and now that Ive entered the picture its different. His schedule of life is off, hes feeling emotions hes locked away, etc.

And hes very insecure.