SHOCK

Dear Diary,

This is difficult to write, as Im still in a state of shock over what transpired last night.

🙁

Something bad happened.

I was shopping after work with the kids, Gym guy called me earlier asking if I wanted to see him that night, I just told him to call me after the gym and see whats up. He called while I was shopping and I told him id call him back when I was done. Meanwhile my girlfriend D calls and asks if Kids and I want to come over for a little Pre New Years kid time, dinner, dessert, movie, hang out.

I said Yes, and asked if Gym guy could come, she said sure and wanted to meet him.

D lost the baby. 🙁 She just found out Monday going to the midwife I used, she tried for 15 min to find the heartbeat, she showed her the Ultra sound of the baby, but no heartbeat, so D and her boyfriend went to a local dr yesterday and got it confirmed. They are giving it a week to see if she delivers the baby naturally or if she will have to go in to have it removed.

So shes dealing with a whole other set of feelings, the boyfriend took it really hard she said.

It was a nice time, we sat and had dinner and talked. D is so open and talkative, asking Gym guy questions and I watched on a certain level, hes sorta clueless, I saw how closed off and skewed his view on things can be, very black and white and not much room for other thoughts, tight in his circle he has kept himself safe in. But overall he was cool there.

We headed to my house. I had printed up some info on Erectile Dysfunction for him and he was interested and we read it together. At one point he got testy and upset/frustrated with me for helping him read words. His insecurity creeping up then blaming me for it.

We laid there on my bed, I just laid on him, I wasnt sure what I was feeling, he made to jabs at me while reading the paper saying I had my Ex BF on the site and was dating other guys to have sex (basically saying he lacked sexually and I had alternate means to satisfy it) Which wasnt the truth. And he wont drop it.

I told him I was upset by this, he apologized, I had some tears in my eyes. We laid there side by side as he wiped my eyes.

We have not had Sexual Intercourse but a few times, and 2 of those times were in the middle of the night and him waking me up and doing his thing when Im not fully a part of it. And he just wants to constantly touch me and perform foreplay on ME often. I didnt want that last night. I just wanted to lay there with him and be held.

Next thing I know, Im in this sensitive emotional place and he turns me over on my back and says ” I want to make love you to you” Im all “Huh?” Seeing as hes never said MAKE LOVE, thats my term, and second he cant just have sex, his body doesnt work that way, so I was confused. I said “What do you mean?” Hes all “I want to have sex with you” Im all “How? Did you take one of the pills or something?” And hes all “No” Im all “Well then how?” Hes all “Just take your pants off”

I told him I did not want that, I was just wanting to be held, I didnt want to be sexual. He told me “Well then you dont want me, and you dont want me here” and he got up and got dressed, Im all “What is going on with you? I want to be with you”

Hes all “No you dont, your going out with HIM tommorrow your gonna sleep with him, thats why you dont want to be with me, you want to save it for him” Im all “What on earth? Thats so off, that is not true”

He left, I laid in bed in the dark, and I should have let it go, but I phoned him on his cell and felt for him in some ways, he answered and I said “What are you doing, get back in here” he replied “Do you want to be with me?” I said “Yes” Hes all “Open the door then”

He came back in, took off his shoes, jacket, laid back down in bed, and told me again ” I want to be sexual with you” I said “I dont want that right now is all” He said “Then I guess you didnt mean what you said, if you want to be with me you will show me and have sex with me” I said “What if I dont want to?” Hes all “I dont care, its what I WANT”

I just sat there stunned. I said “So you dont care that Im crying or how I feel right now?” He said “YOu beguiled me, Ive seen those tears before, ive been through this, your playing me for a fool….” I stopped him there and told him that was enough. He got up. I stood in my front room just wanting to throw his shoes out the front door. He just wanted to mess around with me but didnt care if I wanted it or not? And if I want him i will let him and prove to him??????

IM NOT AN OBJECT, IM A PERSON.

I was hurt, pissed off, in shock.

He walked out my door without either of us saying a word and I slammed it.

And that is where it is.

I broke into tears and sobbed.

I called up EX BF and just sobbed and he talked to me well into the night. He told me “Vicky, this guy has some SERIOUS issues, I cant urge you enough to just walk away from this, each time you tell this guy a boundary or to back off he gets worse, Id hate to see him do more, I was so afraid he laid a hand on you or raped you” He talked to me a lot how it is for a guy to deal with Erectile Dysfuntion as Ex BF struggled with it before he and I got together and he saw a dr over it and how it does such a number on a man. His masculunity, how he relates to women, about the inner rage a man feels.

I told him all, he now knows Ive slept with the guy and the inside stuff, I just was honest and told him.

He was their, compassionate, concerned, saddened, but said he understood why I did what I did and he doesnt fault me or he isnt angry at me.

And Im just in shock over Gym Guy, I put some of my heart, trust, feelings into him, and this happened.