Am I Boy Crazy?

Dear Diary,

I started an entry then got knocked offline and lost it. GRRRR

Its pouring rain as a type. Ahhh I liked the sunshine ya know????

Well I spent the eve online with Music Dude.

B came on later and I told him I needed to go out and have some fun and I need lots of sex. haha, yeah I did say that but not in those exact same words. But he was all WOA. And then went on to tell me how he doesnt see me as the type to go and party out with, and no offense he said.

I said “Youve never tried” And he said that was true, so he said we will go out next weekend. Im a little nervous, darn it! He said he doesnt think I can “Keep up with his idea of a wild time” and all this stuff. I told him hes the one who poops out when we have had opportunities. Vegas he was gonna take me to a club thats all we talked about, then when it came time he said his feet hurt and he was too tired, in San Diego hed say same stuff after dinner. I was talking to music dude about this stuff. I said “Yeah I like a guy to take me out show me a good time, take me somewhere, buy me a drink” But with B he is all asking me to make decisions, gets pissy if I dont make them on the spot, asks me all these questions, gets serious and critical. So I told B “None of that” Just ENJOY ME.

I guess Im a little pissed, How did I get in this freakin goody 2 shoes box again in my relationship with B??? I kid you not, sure B had probably seen more things in a worldy sense then I have, had more encounters with partners, alcohol and drugs and all that. But at the same time, I feel my adventerous spirit is larger then his, and my room to experiment. Heck since we have been together he hadnt witnessed certain things of a sexual nature or experiences and I made sure to do them with him.

I wanna go out and hang out with my man at a club, have drinks, make out in a corner, just kick back and relax and let go you know? Its just hard perhaps for the both of us? With all that Ive been conditioned to as far as his behavior goes. And when B said last night “Nothing against you, I just dont see you as the going out to party with type” I said “So what then? I go do it with others, because I want to do it” And that was when he said “Ok next weekend lets go out” Music dude said “Hold him to that Victoria”

I have a wild fun side. Sure Im not gonna do everything under the sun, but Im fun dammit! 🙂

How is it we get into a mold of expected behavior with people in our lives? Im starting to feel so rebellious, almost as if to prove Im not what he thinks I am???

Music dude and I talked a lot. He said how lame he feels being on the computer all the time. I said I understood, we each have partners but have a lot of time still. But the honeymoon phase is gone with his woman. I told him he rushes into things to fast, wants it to be the one, says hes in love so fast, yet is turned off so fast when things go sour. And he and I can talk like that. And hes all “Man thats true, so if its not love then what is it?” Plus the chick moved in right away which I think isnt good either.

I think that is what makes me afraid to even attempt things with him. If anything I want to DATE, not be hurried up and commited and figuring if Im gonna marry some guy. I dont need that pressure, let it happen naturally you know? Not to say I dont want those things. But I guess I feel that what if he and I dated? And I realized it wasnt gonna be long term? I see how he is with other women, he gets all grumpy and pissy and basically pushes them away because he feels rejected. And I love him too much and respect and enjoy his friendship, I dont want to ruin that? And getting involved can screw that stuff up. Sigh,, I dont know.

Then theres damn military dude. I kid you not. I have this feeling inside that tells me if he returns safely, I want to see him. I want to be able to see if we could have something, and its as if I have him in the back of my mind always lingering, but then I feel lame for waiting, yet at the same time feel hes worth the wait. That I cannot marry or anything till I see him.

So then Im afraid to get close to other guys. Because I dont wanna break their hearts? Do I make any sense here?

Ugh I sound totally boy crazy right now dont I?