More Sex?

Dear Diary,

Morning.

Went to the gym after work yesterday. All the cardio machines I like were taken and all I could find was a treadmill in the corner. So off I went. There is this older man I say Hi to whenever I see him. Hes always doing the bicycles and reading books. We have chit chatted before and he said last year he was to read “The Classics” and Im not sure what his new reading goal is for this year yet since I dont see him as much as I come in later then I used too.

So he was there riding. He got off his bike and started to walk towards me. The scale is right behind me so I thought he was headed there. He walks up to me and says “How much time do you have left?” Oh, he wants the treadmill and I said I had about 20 more minutes unless something else is freed up. I said “You want to use this?” Hes all “Noo Nooo Nooo, I need to do situps, and I wanted to know if youd be here for at least another few minutes so I can look at your smiling face as inspiration”

WOA

Ok I swear I get guys who could be my Dad who seem to hit on me. Where are the young hot ones huh???? This guy is probably the oldest one so far.

I just smiled, and said yep I wasnt going anywhere. So there he is on the ab machine across from me and I just wanted to laugh. It was cute and funny. So when he was done he came over and thanked me and said his friend told him the best way to make sure you do 100 sit ups a day is have a pretty girl hold your ankles. So he said this was next best thing and he thought hed try it. LOL Then he told me he owes me a Gatorade, lol too funny! And he said goodbye.

Seriously though, why do I get older men hitting on me??? WHY? Why cant men closer to my age hit on me? Or at least men who are more my type? Theres this trainer guy at the gym, OMGOSH! He has gray hair, a full head of it too, yet he is in excellent shape, awesome body, young looking skin, youthful face. Ever since he started working in our gym Ive watched how busy he is. Hes gorgeous to look at so all the women are signing up to work with him. I see him every day, sometimes he says Hi, I usually dont even make eye contact cause cute guys make me nervous, haha maybe thats my prob? I overheard him one day talking to someone how he hasnt been on a date in awhile or had a girlfriend. Of course my ears perked up! LOL

So anyways, umm onto B! LOL

He came out, I made dinner, we ate, I had told him i wanted to go to Barnes and Noble one night for coffee and to read, so he said Oooo wanna go? So I said sure. Last time we did that though we got into some squabble, he said something I didnt like, I got quiet, he got quiet and we just left.

So we head out, we pull into the parking lot and he sees Jamba Juice and says “Want one of those instead? Ill buy” So I said “You mean get a juice then take them to the bookstore?” Hes all yeah. So I said sure and we headed over. I told him I wanted to get a dessert tho at the book store coffee place.

So we get our drinks and head over, I tell him “I want to go and look at the desserts” So Im looking and B says “I dont think you need that” all serious. I said “What?” He said “I dont think you need to get anything?” I said “And why not?” He said “Because that drink has enough for you, youll get fat” So yes in my head I was like “Buddy where the f do you get off??” But I hate it when Im in those scenarios and I cant speak up like that, it comes to me afterwards. At that point I just walked away from the desserts to the books and said “So since when are you the boss, do you get think you get to tell me what to do?” and he snottily said YEAH. I just walked on. I mean sure you can say “Hey babe that might not be the best it has a lot of calories” but his approached freaking sucked, and hes the one whos put on 30- 40 pds since weve met! Im actually about 6 pds less then when we met.

So I really did loose my appetite for a dessert, but I had part of me inside saying “Go buy it, dont let him feel he can tell you what to do” But I didnt do it.

So we wandered around. I was trying to find a place to sit but nowhere was free, I had some home deco idea books. B didnt really find anything. Then he pointed at a “Relationship for Dummies” book so I went and got it. I was reading this part on sex, It was comparing men and women and it said “Men find it easy to have sex with women they have no interest in” and under women it said “Women find it hard to have sex with someone they arent interested in or attracted too” So I laughed at the differences. Id never heard that about guys and asked him “Is that true?” Hes all “Hell yeah” Then he said “Hate sex is great, its almost like the depravity of it….” Oh I cant remember how he worded it, but then we sprung into this whole convo how hes telling me all most mens goals is to fuck women, and even when your dating and meeting guys its all they want about 99% of the time and they will say and do whatever it takes to get there.

So we are off walking around, he said to find some book and we could “Argue” about it. I said “Why do you have to argue everything? Do you think you are superior when it comes to everything?” and he kinda mumbled and said “I dont know” when I said that to him.

So I picked up the “Why does he do that” book, About Angry and Controlling men and we spoke a little about that, and I found us a table. He went into talking about one of his tattoos and I asked him to explain the significance of it, and he said “I dont feel I know how, or maybe I dont want to explain it?” so I said Ok and dropped it. No big deal. He said “Its self evident” I said maybe for him but not for me. And I asked him if he felt superior to me? Smarter then me ( as a topic in the book) He said “In some regards he feels he is more intelligent than I am, but that is in his reality, his world, and he has experienced many things I have not” but then he went to say I probably feel the exact same way back, and we each both have different realities. I told him that is fine and yes there is truth in that, it only becomes a problem when you force the other person or tell them they are stupid if they dont see things your way.

So we left and he started on explaining the tattoo again. I still didnt get it, and he said “Nevermind, if you dont get it, its evident” and just shrugged his shoulders and was all serious. I wasnt gonna prod at him. I told him i didnt get it. He brought it up again I didnt ask. So then we are quiet. I just grabbed his hand while driving to hold it, he shrugged and said “Now your all weird, your acting all stupid” I said “Excuse me???” Hes all “Well now your pouting, you got quiet” I said “B, look, that makes me STUPID? All because I have no response? You brought it up, I didnt, I dont get it, I ask for an explanation which you wont give me or feel you cant, so fine drop it?” He said “Yeah but you left it all open, no response or resolve, why didnt you just say that?” Im all “?????? I said “B you made it a closed case discussion, I had to leave the last comment when you said “Nevermind?” I told him that I normally just shut down often times with convos with him because of his critical remarks, that I have nothing to say, and when I ask him whats up or whats wrong he gets all pissy and I have to take care of me and protect my own emotions, so I shut down, theres nothing more to say really.

We werent arguing. He then went on to describe the tattoo and what he said finally made sense this time the way he described it. He basically feels like hes death, that he has good intentions, but his good intentions have negative effects, so he may be well meaning but hes always screwing things up.

I said “Dont you find it interesting how different we are and that we are together?” He said “Yeah, I wonder a lot of the time why you dont break up with me” I said “Do you really?” He said “Yeah cmon now, dont you think about what it would be like to be with someone who treats you better who makes you happy?” I said “Sure” but he said “I know that doesnt mean your gonna drop my ass, but I do wonder”

Yeah I do wonder too.

We got home, crawled in bed and watched tv ( he slept in my bed!) and I of course havent made love to him in over a week, its been less lately. And last time i had my period, so now it was all good. And he just didnt respond to my touches. Well I was just caressing him and stuff and he does this routine often of covering his eyes, getting all cute like, and saying “Your touching my no no spots your making me feel icky, Im telling My mom, what are you doing?”

Which he does it in fun, but Ive noticed he does it OFTEN. And well he didnt respond back at all, said he was tired, and well, No sex again. 🙁

You know when we first started dating we had a discussion about the sex life with ex and I , how I wasnt into sex with him, how we averaged sex maybe once a week or every 2 weeks, and B said “Fuck that!” and now its like hes becoming that??? This is pretty recent with the sex thing. Im starting to feel sexual frustration. But I just went to sleep last night and figured we had the morning, he was tired. Well this morning came. I watched him get ready for work, he kissed me alot, and I told him straightforward “I want to see you again before the kids return fri, I want to make love to you” He said he wanted that too. But then I dont really see it in our plans, tonight I told him I have class, by the time Im out and I were to come over hed be asleep. And he said he was going to a friends thurs night. So who knows.

I laid in bed this AM and just missed being touched sexually. Wondered what is happening here?

All the flirty talking yesterday, when I touch him, I just dont know where his mind is. ANd B isnt typical in the male realm with this stuff, that was why I went and read up on men abused as kids. I guess I dont know what to do? Im trying to be respectful and not pressure and make sex an issues because I know how it feels to be on the other end. Yet at the same time B seems to prefer not being the aggressor, and often times hes ok with things if I iniate them, but then at the same time its hard to do something without reciprocation or noticing interest in your partner. So I guess I find him hard to read.

Anyways, I just write this stuff out for myself. I have too, I dont constantly need people telling me to dump him or any of that. I know all that stuff, its more of me and what I want to do for me and what I choose to do.

So there ya have it. Im a 30 yr old who wants more sex from her 28 yr old BF.