Breaking Free From Him
Dear Diary,
I sit here tonight. I came to some conclusions for myself on attending church. I had a normal day at work. The boss came in and I told her I was indeed getting divorced. She pulled up a chair and we discussed it. She asked “What did it for you?”
It was a good talk, she is very supportive of me. I shared with her some of my dreams for myself. Some things I will make come true. About going to the beach house for my own personal vacation, something Ive always dreamed of doing. And Im going to bring my Love to the theatre on Friday. He will not be hidden any longer. My bosses will be there with our seats reserved.
I went to my Womens Abuse Support Group today. I hadnt been in a few weeks. I was avoiding it. I couldnt face them because I was still attempting to work things out with my Ex. Yet I was always sad and on the verge of tears in group, just wanting to explode with words and beg for help to get me out. So I go to group tonight. A bunch of new people came. I didnt see any of the ladies I knew, my support sisters. Then about 4 of them arrived. It was a weird feeling tonight for me there. I felt at one with them, we all grabbed seats together, we have shared our stories and tears and anger in front of one another. And slowly and surely 3 of us now have made the break from our abusive partners. Just one woman is left in her turmoil but she is a great part of our group.
We went over a flyer, Love Addiction, what is love and what is obsession. All the unhealthy ways we viewed relationships, reworking our minds as not repeat the past, to see potential mates for what they are and not for what we want to see, want them to be, want to change in them, our own fantasy masking the reality.
After group I told one of the women ” I ended it” She was like WHAT??? and the other said WOW how! And one gave me a high five as I left the building. I just felt this enormous sense of release and strength, that I am actually doing this. Im ready for my support people. I finally am letting go of my Ex. No more, no more drama, no more games, no more trying to please him, etc etc. He will still try to mess with my head, He wont stop. But I do know now. I am personally free within my heart as a wife from him.
And Im seeing so much the past few days is that its not a man whole stole me away. Im seeing less and less my Love plays in this, how I deal with so many things he isnt around for. My own personal victories and things I have learned. My Love has helped me a lot. But I have a lot of holes and things to patch up within myself. I have to deprogram myself from my old way of living. Its a new life ahead of me now!
And the church? Well the recovery bible study was wonderful and I got a lot out of it. Although the church is very legalistic and I will say “Controlling” of its members. This is not the faith I have nor do I want a part of nor do I want my children to learn. God doesnt care if you have spikey hair, forget your bible, or if you are wearing a tie. At least the God I believe in says “Come just as you are”
I had asked to meet with a woman from the church for some one on one. She called last week but I never called back. So today I get a message from her saying what time I am to meet her tonight! Woa Woah Woah. I never even spoke to you lady and you are planning my meeting with you? I do not want to meet with her. I am greatful for the role the recovery ministry pastor played in my OWN personal issues. He did a wonderful job. But it is time for me to leave that place. I do not want their counsel. I will not put myself into a place that will further enslave me to that which Im trying to break free from.
I think back to the other pastor who said to me “I cannot tell you what to do, but I will say YOU NEED PEACE” every time I shared the marital trials hed say “This has got to stop. You need Peace”
I have been set free finally within my heart from my Ex. I didnt think it could happen. But slowly each remaining bond to him has been destroyed. Removed from me. I love my Ex. I always will, he shared in half of my life and I have children by him. But he is a troubled man who hasnt hit bottom yet to see how troubled he really is, what he has done to me, how terribly he has treated me, how he has been to his children.
As I sat in group tonight we discussed the role that history, culture and religion can play in our abusive situations. ANd so many women started to blurt out things like “The woman is the weaker vessel!” Dont not lean on your own understanding!”
Wow those are verses I have quoted to further enslave myself into the abusive marriage I was in. So many people have no idea how many christian women are abused using scriptures. ANd how the church isnt aware of what is going on, what people take the meaning of those words to say.
Our group leader said ” Many of you married these men thinking you could help change them, and you did this by love, nurturing, offering advice, being supportive and unfortunately these men married you with the same viewpoint of wanting to change you, only they go about it by abuse, control, breaking you down as a person”
We all need to not set out to hope to change a person, but to see who they are, not thru romantic ideals of what we hope they can become. Im guilty of this myself.
Anyways, dont let any partner hurt you