Freedom

Dear Diary,

I pray to God My Ex is gone from here now. Hes supposed to leave today. He is officially living far away from here. Which is a relief. Im glad he is not living nearby.

I have been having such a hard time just fully letting go. It was as if a Switched was tripped a week ago with him demanding who I may or may not speak to, ordering me. Ordering me when he doesnt even live with or nearby. And using this as a threat to not speak to me. I reached my limit. I am not a dog that you tell to come here or go lay down. Im a human!

Yes I fell for the sweetness afterwards, the “Im sorry we didnt work out, I love you” from him. Almost feeling as if I was making a mistake. But as is true with his personality. Nothing remains constant. He will then abuse me with words and mind games a few days later.

Reflecting back. How this man was half of my life hear on this earth. What I lived thru, wow. I cant believe it all. I was so naive and trusting, I didnt have much experience with others or relationships. This was my first for many things, and it was a poor start, a very unhealthy one, but I wasnt able to see it at the time. Thru the years I have learned more and more. Ive had it made clear what I was living in. Sometimes when you are in, and you have lived something for so long. It becomes “Normal” to you. And sometimes we are too afraid of stepping out into the great unknown, because even though our abusive spouse may treat us poorly, its predictable to us, we know what we will have to deal with. And our minds get so messed up that we think anything else out there will be too hard for us, how we didnt have it so bad with our abuser.

I put up the good fight, I tried to keep the marriage together. I just couldnt do it with the abuse, with a man with a mind in a place that just hasnt been tapped into yet. A man who hasnt ever hit bottom to see how ugly he can be.

And Ive become so detached from him. When we split, I still had many areas that were connected to him within me. Physically and sexually we were still quite drawn to one another, and now I can honestly say, 1 yr later, that has left me. The last time I had sex with him, I was repulsed. I looked down at him in the bed afterwards and all I wanted to do was shower, I felt as if I prostituted myself. I was trying to be a good wife and please my spouse. But that connection also has left me. Which I am glad about, not glad about the experience, but its nice to have that closure. To know that part of your life has finally let go and no longer wants that.

You think you know a person, youd thing that after half your lifetime with a person you know them. When in fact you dont. I married a man who is lost within himself. And he doesnt see the need to get out. But I did, and that is where I am heading, my life will be a brighter one, no man will control me like this, I want to experience love with personal freedom.