Just venting on Loneliness

Dear Diary,

Well Im having one of my moments tonight. Im not insanely going nuts, as Im aware of myself and what is going on. Yet at the same time trying to overcome it and understand myself and wonder why I dont have things in my life I seem to say I want.

This entry is just me pouring things out since my head is all spinning tonight. Its not the reality of what is going on, but it is what my mind does with a situation. It totally sucks. I feel like Im behaving like my Ex, how on earth did I get to that place?????

I guess because He did want so much of my time and attention, to the point where I was begging to breath, asking to get away, to be left alone, spend time without him.

Im very proud of B. With his job, he also talked about taking Ju Jitsu, and checked out the school the other night, bought a new outfit for it, and he even went to a class this AM! Which is totally awesome. He used to do it YEARS ago, and its a good thing for him, for stress, his anger, and exercise. So Im so happy he went.

I guess what it boils down too, is I feel so dependent upon him as my friend. I feel sad or heartbroken when he makes other plans. And I really know this is silly, I can tell myself it is. I can tell myself its good he made plans tonight with his old workout buddy, B hasnt spent time with him in MONTHS.

I just like being missed, like being told “I want to see you, I cant wait to see you” The types of things i tell him. Yet I remind myself when I was with my ex he wanted that from me, and I felt so suffocated I couldnt utter such words because I wanted him AWAY from me.

Ugh. 🙁

Granted this situation is not a marriage, and B and I are not together day in day out so I feel it is different in that sense.

I just feel so outside at times, he tells me Im closer to him then anyone, and once again I know its silly. Im being totally insecure right now. I know this I know this!

He just said Hi to me briefly, said he went to his class, then he had to leave to work. I asked when he was getting in, was it late? To Give me a call later. He said “I have tenative plans with S. So he wont be calling, well he didnt know and that he loved me”

I guess its comments he says that replay in my mind. When we last discussed our amount of time together and he said “Well whats gonna happen when I move closer to my job and then start going back to school Victoria?” He said “Somethings going to have to take the boot” and yes of course I feel he was implying the relationship with me. Which yes it hurts to hear such words implied.

Ok so, here I am, once again, A weekend with my kids. I just wish I had a friend to come over, male or female to hang with, talk, watch movies, go places with the kids. I dont have that. Why do I have such a hard time finding that??? WHY???? I know that I do make attempts to meet others and talk to others, but in some way I feel people dont want to hang out with me.

I made plans Monday, took the day off, bought tickets for the kids and I to go and see the Titanic exhibit and IMAX film in Los Angeles at the musuem. And I just wished I had someone to invite. I called my Mom. Mom is generally always there and likes to do that stuff, but I just want a friend ya know?? 🙁 But Mom is going to go. So we have plans for monday. The Iowa trip is postponed so I can afford to use some vacation time while the kids are off track.

I was home today, I laid in bed awhile, watched TV. And felt that weird feeling I feel on the weekends. I kinda term it “Weekend depression” Finally about 2 I got up and mowed the back lawn, it hadnt been done in months since the weather has been cooler and the yard looked like crap and stuff was all over the yard, kids things, fallen tree branches, the patio needed to be cleaned off. So I fixed that all up today and that got me some exercise.

I then showered, if I shower I feel less depressed. I really need to do that right away on the weekends, it does something for me.

So kids and I headed out, I looked up movies but nothing I really wanted to see at the $1 theatre with the kids, So we went to Home Depot and got the refill of paint for the floor board in the office. We went to Target where I bought a rod for my curtains and some toiletries/cleaning supplies for home, then we headed to Barnes and Noble. I bought a Soy White Chocolate Mocha that B started me on when he was a coffee dude. And some dessert stuff for kids and I. We sat down in the little coffee area. Next to a guy doing some complicated math homework, and older man with a lap top, another guy doing homework on my other side. Across from us a mother and her teenage kids, who were both a little overweight and eating large pieces of cheesecake and ice cream. And couple was next to them, she was touching him as they spoke, being affectionate, then 2 young college age girls both doing homework together.

I just looked around. Wished I had a person, ok wait ADULT to talk too. Kids were more concerned with their desserts and finishing mine for me, the little one and I talked some, then they were off to the kids sections.

I got up and went looking in the books. I picked up one Ive been hearing about “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bankroft? I believe is her name. Then I picked up a book on Loving a person who has been sexually abused. Thats been on mind lately and not really an area Ive explored.

My ex was sexually abused, and B has been also.

I guess I have just noticed how non aggressive B is sexually, not that its a bad thing, but I wonder if that is part of why? And the book was really fascinating to read. It has to affect B, sexual abuse in many forms has occured in his life. Its so strange, its like in so many ways, My Ex and B are both the opposite extremes of things.

My youngest found a big book on bugs, and my oldest found books on drawing animated robot characters, which right now hes busy drawing in the front room, as we left he told me “Mom, I was forgetting to draw the neck of the robot” as he took that knowledge in from observing the book.

Kids got their report cards friday. They are both doing well. My oldest had a C in Reading and English, which isnt BAD, but he needed some work, so this report card he had B’s in both, I told him how great that was and how proud I was of him. My little one is just picking everything up, Hes doing math and reading now and really into it. His teacher told the class “While you are off track I want you to watch less cartoons with shooting and fighting, and I want you guys to watch Discovery Channel and Animal Planet” So its the cutest thing and Im really glad his teacher said that. The tv for 2 days has been on Discovery CHannel and hes so into it!

He was watching a program yesterday on the Stealth.

Tommorow he really wants to see “Building the Pyraminds” And he keeps telling his older brother “Isnt this better then cartoons???” Awwee good job teacher!

I think I now have my college class to look forward to, for meeting new people and making new friendships and I thought about how cool that will be, in film class! I will definately have people interested in going to my free movie trips from work!

I just feel I reach out to people, but they dont reach back? I feel like Im a burden or they dont want to hang out with me or are uninterested of find me boring?

Theres my local friend K, shes single, we havent hung out in awhile. But she never calls me on the phone, she rarely messages me online. We go out to eat now and then and went dancing awhile back, but she ended up right away smooching in a corner with some dude she just met and I was surrounded by that older guy with the accent who I was NOT interested in.

Then theres my friend D. I call her, I invite her over, I even told her when I last called to call me and come over sometime. But I cant do all the work you know? I mean how many times do you ask people? I leave it up to them after asking once or twice.

I wrote C, who I got in touch with last year, and she said she wanted the kids and I to come out for a weekend, we talked about how fun it would be. Well Ive tried calling, emailed, and sent a christmas card and keeping asking about it. And no response. So how am I supposed to feel???

My friend K in San Diego. I asked to come down their and she said how weird her husband is with company. So I see her when she comes out here.

Im just sad.

Mr Comedy wants to be there but hes so overbearing and needy I get turned off.

Music Dude and I have talked a lot this past week. Hes going through work and girlfriend stuff. We talked yesterday about us. And he said he could have gotten all into me, but I had a boyfriend so he knew he had to back off. He said “Who knows what will happen with us in the future” and then starts telling me about his girlfriend. How shes a firecracker, people are drawn to her, how shes tattooed fully on her arms and back. How shes vegeterain and cooks him awesome meals, helps with his daughter, pushes him to take care of his health, is kind and affectionate, and then I just cringe. Its like hes venting at me half the week about how hes unhappy with things. And then said how he likes me, tells me he thinks of me, tells me how cool I am. And I just see him as a really cool guy, but someone who doesnt want to be alone and seems to so easily “Fall in Love” and I get all scared of him and think that even if we were both single again, how I feel so out of his league. I hate to cook, Im not all cool hollywood looking, and Im not in a rush to sleep around and what do I have to offer him, I felt even self conscious of my clothing around him, hes all into to designers and names and things.

See how I super analyze crap and cant just enjoy people?

How am I gonna get over this??

I was thinking back, about 4 yrs ago. How there were the chat room regs. the weekly parties. How i went to some, we had outings, at the creek, at a park with our kids, at clubs and bars. Thats how I met B and so many of my friends. How we had this little core group of us, My old guy pal best friend S who I havent spoken to via email in some time. How I felt I had all these friends. And that group has since fallen apart. I go to the same chat room where theirs a new group of people who go hang out, and they seem so immature and shallow. And now and then I talk with old splinters off that group. I still talk to several and they are people here I write about, but we dont all get together and hang out anymore. I miss those days. Will I find that kinda thing again? Am I just getting too old for that?

God I just feel so lonely and I hate feeling insecure and wanting B. I need other things for myself.