Adult Kids of Alcoholics

Dear Diary,

I wanted to post this here. I was having a discussion with a friend online and I think she put it well. On describing much of some of what Im experiencing in my relationship with B. I think it does make a lot of sense. I just wanted to share it with others here as I know many of us deal with this same type of stuff.

Hey there,

Im trying to figure a lot of this stuff out also. I am dating a guy, have been the past 2 yrs. Granted Im not saying Hes Mr. Wonderful, and Im ok with everything he does, but at the same time. I see how I feel. I was just at therapy yesterday and talking to the counselor about my thought process(Im a child of an alcoholic) And she pulled some characteristics out of a book for me to read to see if they matched the child of an alcoholic, which of course half applied to me.

I think the part that said “Overly Responsible” really hit home.I do seem to be attracted to men with issues, my heart wants to reach out and love them. And nice guys, yeah they seem kinda boring? Is the best way I can describe it?

My ex was so jealous, controlling, wanting my attention, etc. Now the guy Im dating is the total opposite. I can be with him for a weekend, then come monday when Im back home and he isnt gushing all over me Im thinking “Whats wrong? He is sick of me,,,,,” and my mind goes all nuts. I have to keep talking myself down internally (Part of what Ive learned in therapy)

Its like Ive gotten used to being in a constant state of being on guard, somethings wrong, etc etc.

Im not sure if Im making much sense here! haha, but just trying to say I do struggle with things like that also. I feel like if the BF doesnt want to be around me a lot, say I miss you on the phone, etc etc that something is wrong. And I freak myself out. Yet with my abusive ex he “Fed” that part of me also, as much as he was controlling, he was constantly wanting my attention. Ohhh its all unhealthy!

Vicky

Vicky (and all)

It sounds to me like what you are saying that is missing is intensity.

Without the intensity happening, you feel something is not right. Is that correct?

I recall once talking to a therapist about how nice it would feel to be in a relatioinship and each doing their own thing, reading… whatever, just doing seperate things while in the same house. That calm “everything is fine” feeling. And what that meant to me.. was…

no huge intensity going on, just calm.

Not just for an hour or two… but for a life style.

Well that would be just the opposite of intensity, right? No big dramas going on… no obsessing about some fight or issue while we were each doing other things.

Now imagine the kind of person you’d have to be with in order to have that kind of low intensity with? They would need to be someone who was not “use to” high levels of intensity to feel normal… thus, create tension as a way to make things feel normal.

Lets face it.. obsessing is intensity (a tactic I know too well) so is… “stirring the pot” (a tactic I’ve been on the recieving end of).

We each have to watch our own tactic we use to get that rush of intensity…. because intensity is a drug of choice we DO become conditioned to need. Especially those whom have “children of alcoholic wounds”. IMHO

Friend

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Friend,

Thank for describing that part well “Intensity”. I picked the boyfriend up one day on a trip home and asked if he wanted to go with kids and I to pick up fast food. He seemed happy to see me and said sure. He was silent all the way there and back, and in my mind I think something is wrong? Why is he silent? Is he angry or upset with me? I didnt make a big deal. I just turned the radio on. Later on we had a talk about it and Im like “You didnt say a word. Why did you go with us? And he said “Cant I just enjoy being in your company?”

So this is the type of thing you are talking about. And I think my upbringing and marriage. Heck Im trying to undo the past 28 yrs of my life!!! eeks! I grew up in a family where you just had to “Know” what to do and not cross that line, you had to read looks and silence and expressions. Then in my marriage I was with a time bomb, I never knew what would set him off, walking on eggshells. Silence meant I was in trouble with my ex.

Thanks for saying it so well, I have to remind myself that its ok to be still, to be quiet, and just BE. 🙂

Vicky

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Vicky,

I know… it is scary to “trust the calm” huh? Because our history taught us that calm = “ut oh… we’re in trouble” and we start in with the … “OH yikes! what did I DO wrong this time? What did I say or didn’t say JUST right, what did I NOT read someone’s mind about… etc etc etc”.

And of course *my favorite*…. I would be enjoying the calm only to instantly be taken off gaurd with some drama. Thus, calm = what horrible “thing” will happen next. (calm was the space prior to the other shoe dropping)

It’s about reconditioning ourselves. Trusting the calm, tiny bits at a time.. till calm really does = calm.