Good Day

Dear Diary,

Im having a good day. 🙂

Its about 9:30pm. Just sitting here, smiling, I feel excited, and theres no real thing going on to label it with. Im just excited about things going on.

Today I felt motivated like I used to at work. I was really doing bad for awhile here, just so unmotivated, not into my work, going through the motions, dealing with stress, anxiety, even breaking into tears at work.

Im excited about my college class that starts tomorrow!

I went in to the gym today. A lady from old church E was there, I see her now and then but today we were side by side doing cardio. I said Hi, she asked if I came in every day after work, I told her yes, she said she normally comes in early in the AM, she homeschools her kids, so they have a kids exercise class at the gym so shes there later now to bring her oldest daughter.

We chatted briefly, superficially. Shes nice but I always wonder what people think? Like it matters? But I do wonder I guess since she still goes to the same church and Ex and his chickie were going there.

My gym buddy J was there, hes always there, smiling and waving at me from across the gym. He came over and set me up for some weight machines, said I looked good and was smiling. He then leans over and says “Are you losing more weight? Your looking really good” I said “Actually no Im not” Hes all “Well you are slimming down I can see it” He always says stuff like this, hes so sweet and encouraging, just reminds me of the difference in B at the gym, and how I dont do well with the whole serious domineering drill sergeant types. I do well with positive words, praise, but the guy pushes me, puts weight on and tells me to try it, teases me from across the gym doing chicken arms if I wont try something. But hes not offensive, hes a sweetie pie.

So as Im getting ready to go and said Bye to him he said to me “Ok so me and that other guy back there were talking, and we have decided your way too cute to be without a man around” haha!

He then said he told the guy that Ive said “Look at the men around here???” And he gave me this talk on people who rush to marry again and are unhappy. I said “Dont worry, Im not looking to marry.”

Hes so sweet. 🙂

I forgot to write that I ran into my old therapist from the outreach at Home Depot with B and the kids when we bought the paint. She asked me to call her about selling some stuff and if I could help her. 🙂 She said she has been thinking about me a lot.

Im looking forward to seeing my new counselor. I just feel like Ive had this break through realization with my panic/anxiety. I feel aware of it now, and I think it helps to alleviate it some knowing I do that, if that makes any sense?

I flashed back to a counselor I saw when ex and I were going, who addressed my panic but it didnt make any sense as to what she was getting at, so now it registers, YEARS later!

Its just amazing how things hit you, how they click, how you get the lightbulb moment.

Anyways, B signed paperwork today. He said in a few weeks he gets benefits, sick time, all the good stuff at work. 🙂 Im happy for him. Hes forgot how to count his blessings, so today I told him how blessed he is, I remember when he used to say stuff like that. Hes become Mr negative pessimist, ok , wait, hes always been that, but there were glimmers of good days thrown in and good words and hope. Those mixed in good days have been lacking. Not that hes doing terrible, hes just kinda been there.

Mom and I talked tonight. We gotta coordinate the trip to Iowa. So Its looking like I will go perhaps 4 days 3 nights. Not positive yet, and I want to do my own thing this trip which will be awkward. Im an adult now and dont wanna be stuck at moms mercy and all, and rent a car, or go see my cousin whos a year older then me if possible and us hangout, he and I email and hes the closest I am too. And hes the only unmarried with no kids cousin, so we can have some fun together me thinks!

Im bummed my oldest sister backed out of going, but oh well. Shes gonna try to go in May when my Dad goes back, me I have to take the trip while I have the opportunity, kids off track and ex having them for a week. And accumulated vacation hours.

Well thats it for now! Later!