Give me Strength

Dear Diary,

I need to write little updates here and there, little moments to keep myself a little more calm. I so didnt want to go into work today. I so want to check out and crawl in bed, yet at the same time Im afraid to go home, be alone and dwell in bed crying. My eyes are swollen today from all the crying last night.

I have been welling up with tears at work. I was in the bathroom and cried a little quietly.

I had to take some Tylenol as I was getting a nagging stress headache, that part is gone now, but now I feel a little shakey and warm.

I seriously feel like Im losing it, like Im emotionally falling apart and need to go run on auto pilot, be out of my misery for a bit just so my body can recooperate.

Thankfully my kids go to be with their Dad tonight, so I have a totally free day after work and all evening not having to worry about them, mainly they wont have to see me like this.

And then they will only be home with me thurs, Dad gets them on fri for the weekend.

He did tell my oldest last night hes trying to move closer to our house. 🙁 Oh yay.

Next week he has to appear in court for the motion to compel evidence, next day I have my therapy, and thurs I meet with the attny to discuss the recent episodes and see his opinion.

If I were to do any of that right now, seriously Id fall apart in his office and start bawling and say I cant take it. Im that bad right now. Im shaking while Im typing this, my fingers feel like they are floating or something, its weird.

I talked to God last night in bed crying, told him how bad I was hurting.

I did tuck B’s bear under my arm once I went to sleep.

I seriously hate ending relationships/breakups. Its not what I want, I want to stay, but one cant stay when only one party is willing to do the work, and that is what has happened with my ex, and has been happening with B.

Its hard when you care for and want somebody so much, yet at the same time want them to get help or work with you for change, and they choose not too.

I honestly know that I give it my all, I try and work on things and talk, etc.

Well Im halfway thru the work day, Lord give me strength for 4 1/2 more hrs.