Miss Him and Babies

Dear Diary,

Well Im sitting up, kids are asleep. Its about 10:30 on Sat night.

I got the front lawn mowed today and raked up a lot of leaves. I watered everything also. Things have been neglected lately and I hate my yard looking all unmanicured. Im also loosing my desire to DO yardwork. I always enjoyed it during the marriage. I think it was a good stress reliever. And plus I either didnt work, or wasnt working full time. Now im just so tired, and I hate all the dirt going up my nose thats kicked up or emptying the mower bag. If I ever had enough money, maybe one day Ill hire a lawn person eh? 🙂

I took a nap today! It felt SOOO incredibly good! My youngest fell asleep also. So my oldest one just watched cartoons and made something to eat. Maybe its the fresh air today? We were all outside and then me and the little one just passed out.

My backyard on the other hand looks EWWW. I just dont know if I have the energy this weekend to mow, clean up doggy doo doo, sweep down the patio and all the leaves. Clean up the tree branches, and cut them down smaller that fell during the winds a week or so ago.

And my poor doggie. I hate looking at the tumor on him. It really bothers me and concerns me. I cant afford to take him in. My sister said it will cost me a lot and it wont really do anything. And i even read a book on boxers and it talked about the cancer how theres really nothing that can be done to stop the cancer. I would just be shelling out cash to have it removed so it doesnt look so gross. But it does look bad. I cant take him for walks anymore because Id be afraid someone would report him. Hes not sick acting at all. He has a large yard so the no walks isnt a big deal. But Im just so afraid of people seeing him and thinking hes neglected. Im also afraid that when his time does come, if he doesnt die naturally and easily, if I have to get him put to sleep and he has this big tumor will they report me then also?

This really sucks, because even if I took him in right now, I can just bet a vet would want to put him to sleep just from seeing it. But he isnt sick, acting like hes in pain. Hes eating fine, hes still being his normal self. Great watchdoggie and all, but its just seeign this nasty thing bulging from his chest that he constantly licks and the fur is gone, it looks horrible. 🙁

I miss B. I held his teddy bear today in bed. I know theres nothing I can do about not seeing him right now. Hes simply working and thats how it is, but I do miss him so much. I swear I think if I could have things my way? Id prefer living or being married to a 9-5 type M-Fri guy, Whos home every night for dinner and to go to bed. And whos free on the weekends to be together, be with the family, or go and do things together.

I was even thinking this week about B with me. Then it clicked shortly after “Vicky, what if he pisses you off, what if you get into with him? What if you guys broke up? And then youd have to kick him out!” So then I came back to reality.

Its just frustrating to some degree. B wants to move out of the place, B could pay rent to me, help me financially. But then on the other end of it is all the problems he has to work through still and I dont think “Living together” would help that end. I need to make it clear what I want. I believe he is becoming aware since Ive never even ASKED him to move in with me. When he did live with 2 other girlfriends in the past. They were short lived relationships. Nothing past 6 mos.

But I often wonder if B thinks of moving to my area. Its not the most desirable place. But they DO have an office here that is brand new and huge and really close to my house for the company he works for and he even commented one day “I wonder if I could transfer to this one” Heck even if he still lived where he did now. It would be an hour commute, which is what he is doing to the valley. Only traffic would be Piece of cake driving here, and well Id be closeby! He could stay the night part of the time and not drive back.

Also the cost of living is cheaper here, he could afford his own apartment, or a share rental for about $200 less then hes paying to rent a room where he is now.

But I dont ask, I just want to see what B does with his life, I want to see what steps he takes for himself.

But Oh how I miss him right now. I want him next to me to snuggle up with. So wow Im going to have 8 days without my children after christmas! So I may end up staying the nights down with B during that time and driving to work from there some of it. I also might see about taking another little trip with B. See if he has any free time. But that is only if we get the “Christmas bonus” Hope so! Then B and I could get away for a few days again and have some more close one on one time together.

I have been going through pregnancy thoughts and fears a lot lately. Just what if I got pregnant thoughts. And I guess because when we were intimate in San Diego. I told him it was Condomn time. I know when Im fertile and its generally on average the week after my period. So during that phase I need to use condomns. A woman is fertile for 48 hrs, and sperm can live up to 3 days. So if you have sex 3 days prior to your fertile cycle you can get pregnant. Well B and I were fooling around, and we were having sex, he wasnt ready to cum yet and so I said we needed to get a condomn, well at that point he said hed pull out and warned me and right away he did. Which from all my classes that is NOT the wisest thing to do. Because there can be sperm in the precum. I was fertile 2 days after. And I know he did pull out in time. But still I cant help but be concerned.

And then Im still so torn of birth control methods such as the pill or things that tweak with your body(Im into natural everything) And Ive also been thinking about getting my tubes tied. I keep thinking of how hard it would be to have another child being a single working Mom. How my kids are halfway to their teenage years. How they are in school and more independent which makes my life in many areas easier. And childcare isnt a big concern at this stage like when they are tiny.

I do have health insurance so that part of it isnt a problem. But still. I know this may sound really lame. But my philophy has sorta been… “Okay Vicky if you get pregnant, then you do, but thats it. NO MORE KIDS, you will get your tubes tied after this one is born” Which I have always stated ONE more is my limit. But then I keep telling myself if I really DO want more children I could adopt? Or Foster parent? But adoption is expensive! I cant afford to adopt, and foster children wouldnt stay, Id get attached then theyd leave. ::Sigh::

And despite loving B, I have learned now to rely upon me. I have to think in terms if I had a child he may not be the greatest father or provider. And well its really on me if I have another one. NOT THAT IM TRYING!

I think I freak myself out too much, but I just want my period to come now! But thats a few more weeks. I just need that reassurance Im not pregnant when the little mishaps occur. Id say overall we are pretty safe, and B is not the kinda guy who has ever said he wants to get me pregnant. Hell hes been talking a vasectomy himself. He makes jokes and says if he ever wants a kid he will clone himself.

Well thats all for now.